Who saved them?

This has the potential to be controversial. It's one I hesitate to post, but it's something that I've been pondering for a long time now. Is it ME causing something good to happen or is it G*d causing something good to happen.

What if you were following a car, and were the witness to that car being in an accident. A TERRIBLE accident, so terrible the driver was near death. But, you had recently been through CPR, or were a doctor, or a nurse. You were "in the right place" to offer aid. Through YOUR actions, that person was saved. Did YOU save them? Or did G*d? If you believe it was you, and you had not been there...then that person would have died. If you believe it was G*d saving them, then you would have to believe that they would have survived without you there...possibly because G*d would have had someone else there.

What if, through your direct actions you were in the right spot at the right time to adopt YOUR child who needed medical care. Who needed medical intervention that you were able to provide (thinking of the twins who were hospitalized while in China), a little girl who was in desperate need of heart surgery, a little boy whose heart needed immediate intervention...what IF that were to happen to you? Did you SAVE your child? Or did G*d save the child through you? Do you think that had you made a different choice your child would have died in China? If so, then it was not G*d's plan that your child live, but if you believe it was G*d's plan that your child live...then HE would have had another family (or perhaps medical doctor or orphanage worker in China) step in and make the appropriate choices or provide a miracle healing.

After thinking about this, pondering this, I have come to believe that if/when I am in the place of being "in the right spot at the right time" that it is because I am being allowed to WITNESS firsthand the MIRACLE of a life being saved. If it is because I knew the Heimlich maneuver, or CPR, or some other reason then G*d just used me for HIS purpose.

If the miracle occurred because I adopted a child, I would not want that child to grow up hearing how LUCKY they were to be adopted by my family because we were able to provide their medical interventions. I would tell them that we wanted to adopt them to be a member of our family because G*d led me to that decision and we are GLAD they are my child. Their medical interventions are just a part of their story, not the main focus of it.

I think it all comes down to WHO you believe is truly in charge? G*d or yourself.

Personalities of our kids

Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them. - W. Clement Stone

In thinking about this quote I started thinking about my own life, and particularly how this will affect my children. Which led me to think about their personalities, and who they are.

While in China I remember telling Cheri that I felt like we were all given children with personalities and quirks that we were best able to handle. That something about the makeup of the parents' personalities fit in perfectly with what the child needed. With the boys it's something we just assume, they will have personality traits that match either myself or my husband.

But, really, is personality genetic? Or is it learned? Or is it a little bit of both. I mean, Katie could NOT have learned to be a grouchy grump first thing in the morning from ME on her first morning with us (she woke up JUST like I do and has continued to wake up like that). It was not learned from me, but is exactly like me. Is it a genetic thing, or is it learned from perhaps her foster parent?

When I was dreaming of my "perfect" daughter, I told my husband that I wanted a girl who would want to dress up like Cinderella but play sports against the boys and beat them....wearing her tiara in the mud. Can you see it? (another photographer I know) That link was the embodiment of what I wanted MY daughter to be like.

At our last post placement meeting with our social worker, I was asked about Katie's personality. When I mentioned that she was fit in perfectly with our family, with personality that meshed with the boys just as if she'd born to us. Our social worker commented that everyone feels that way.

Why is that? Why does everyone feel that way? Is it like voices, accents, talking, etc. that our kids can end up sounding just like us (yes Katie is going to have that lovely southern accent which is going to make learning Mandarin just that much harder). Is it because liking to play sports, or liking to watch NASCAR, or liking music, or liking games like spades or Monopoly, or any other thing that we consider part of the personality is environmental?

Will Katie be strong willed because of genetics or because of her environment? Will she be patient? Will she be honest? Will she be thoughtful? Will she be demure? Will she be an extrovert or introvert? Will she like science and math OR will she like the arts?

With the boys we sort of figured that they would be more science and math kids (with 2 "geeks" for parents did they even stand a chance?). But with Katie we don't know. It's actually kind of fun and interesting to see her develop her own interests and personality. I'm anxious and excited to see what and who she becomes as she grows.

But to be honest...she's the female version of our boys in likes, dislikes, personality traits, interests, and such. It's enough to make you go, "Hmmmmmm....."

Go forth and SAVE an orphan!

I truly can NOT stand that phrase. Saving a person? I know it's personal choice, much like the use of GOTCHA, but for me..."Saving an orphan" is somewhat offensive. We didn't SAVE Katie. We didn't SAVE an orphan. We adopted a child. We promised to love her and cherish her, but we didn't save her. The phrase "Saving an Orphan" is more what I consider the thought of "I'm going to rescue this poor helpless little child who has no future except to grow up in this awful orphanage never knowing love and growing up to live in this country where the water is bad, the air quality stinks, they can't vacation to Disney, or wear nice clothes...and where they will never be able to know G*d. What a terrible life they would have had if it were not for me doing this wonderful work of adoption."

When I was growing up, we heard "Save the Whales!" and "SAVE the planet!" and "Save the Purple Spotted Beetle Bugs!" (Okay the last isn't real, but it seemed like everything we heard was save this thing or that thing.) I don't think of Katie in those terms. I don't think there was anything particularly terrible about her circumstances in China. I think, had she grown up in China, she would have led a happy life. I truly believe that. Even if she had only lived in the orphanage, who am I to say that her life there would have been worse than the life she has with us? Sure, knowing the love of a family is great. But in the end, will the love we give her be enough in her mind to overcome all that she has lost. I like to think it will, but only Katie will be able to answer that. Do material possessions matter? Do trips to fun places? Do all the opportunities we can give her? Or could it have been a matter of since she knew no other life? Only Katie can answer that question when she is older. I hope she feels like she has had a GOOD life, a HAPPY life despite being adopted, despite being removed from her birth culture, and despite all the wrong things we as her parents will possibly do in the future (like deny her that brand new car for her 16th birthday). So, really, it is only Katie who can possibly answer if our adoption of her was a good thing, or not. While I think it is, that is only from MY viewpoint. Not hers. When I think of all she lost I feel sad for her. I think about the things I take for granted, things that she will not...and I feel saddened by that because I can NOT fix it, or make it better. It is what it is, and I can only support Katie in any feelings she has about it, I can only support her in endeavors to learn things that should have been hers by birthright (and yes, that means we as a family WILL be taking Mandarin in the future).

So, did I SAVE her?

No. I changed the course of her life. I believe, after choices were made by her parents in China through their own free will (and well, governmental pressures as well), that she was then placed on a course for US to be able to adopt her and change HER life. Do I think it was for the better? I like to think we are able to give her a better life, but it is not necessarily true and again only Katie can answer that question for herself. Only Katie can answer whether or not her life was bettered by being adopted into an American family.

I think that there is a reason she was chosen to be OUR daughter, just like I believe that our sons were given to us to be our sons. I believe that our children have a "destiny" to fulfill, but I believe at this point in time there are several paths, several destinies ahead. Each has a purpose. Perhaps all are not wonderful, but I believe each path has a purpose. I try very hard NOT to put any pressure on my kids to be anything but HAPPY. If becoming a rocket scientist or an astronaut will make them happy, then great. But if they'll be happy becoming a gardener at the botanical gardens, then great too. However, they will all know that if being happy in their lives means still living with parents when they are 30, not working, and just playing video games or something...then...well...that is so not okay. ;)

I believe that G*d has a purpose for our lives, and He knows all the possible paths those lives will take. But I also believe that He has given us FREE WILL to choose those paths. It was through the CHOICES we made, CHOICES Katie's parents in China made, and CHOICES that were made on her behalf in China that led us to become family. I believe that had other choices been made, our daughter might not be the Katie we know and love today...but rather someone else equally special. I believe that we as her parents were chosen to be her parents because we are able to give/do/be something to her that she will need in the future (just the same as I believe for our boys).

I stumble across so many people who vehemently deny that they "Saved an Orphan" but in reading and talking to them, it is apparent to me that perhaps they actually think in those terms. They make comments about how much better their lives are here with them, how much of a brighter future they have now, how lucky the child is that the parents decided to ADOPT...and it all leaves me feeling kind of sick inside. They talk in front of their daughters (and sons!) about how wonderful of people they are because they went to China and adopted those poor unfortunate souls who live in orphanages. Their negativity toward China in front of their children astounds me. I truly think, that had Katie stayed in China that she probably would have had a wonderful life as well. There is a reason she became our daughter, and I am looking forward to living life with her and watching her become the person she will become.

More hard memories from China

I am starting to process a little more about the China trip, and how I dealt with Katie's grieving. I have to say I didn't handle myself too well. I remember reading a fellow travel mates blog last fall when I found it again, and I ventured back to our travel days and read about her trip. One entry she said, "There is a little girl who screams when her Mommy holds her." Then she mentions that she's so thankful her son will let her hug him and hold him.

Reading that brought back some memories. Thinking about Katie crying for her Foster Mom, and thinking about it today as I cleaned the house opened up the floodgates on my emotions in Kunming. It was hard. I was in a very dark place and Cheri did something that made things so much better, actually they did more than one thing. I am forever grateful to them for that, and it is one reason why I would hesitate to travel alone in the future.

Prior to the trip I would dream about Katie. I would dream about her personality, dream about things we could do together, and I would fantasize about what our time in China would be like. I read and tried to prepare. I knew that there was a chance she would reject me. I KNEW that, but experiencing it was totally different. I didn't expect the level of rejection she threw my way, and it was so incredibly hard.

See, ever since I was a little girl I would think about the time in my life when I would have a daughter. When I was really little it focused on dreaming about dressing her up and doing her hair, when I was older I would think about and dream about the activities we could do together like shopping for her prom dress. After I had JM I started dreaming about playing dolls with her, and having tea parties with her...and then when I had Samuel I started dreaming about princess parties, and pink, and painting toenails, and yes buying her PINK sport equipment. Now, from having the boys, I knew that my dreams were just that. DREAMS. FANTASIES. Once we got Katie's referral, my dreams took on an excitement...an excitement of getting to know this child, discovering her personality, and I fell in love with her before we even saw her face.

5 months I stared at her photos. I dreamed about how our first days would go. I thought about every scenario. I tried to prepare myself for her grief and her rejection of me. I tried. I longed for the day I could hold her in my arms, and give her hugs. My arms ached with the longing to hold her and comfort her. I wanted to rock her and soothe her to sleep. I dreamed about taking her photos in China...of capturing beautiful photos of her IN KUNMING.

December 10th - she started out much like the Katie we know today with some crying...she played, she smiled, she performed. Then, she realized she was NOT going back to the people she knew. She turned to Dh for comfort and cried when I got near her. She'd calm down in my arms if I fed her. But when we left and got in the van, she ONLY wanted Dh. But she'd still look at me, and she even smiled at me in that van ride. By that night she was shut down.

The next day she started rejecting me. Not just whining or crying when I held her, but when I looked at her. Wednesday the 12th it had been over a full day from when she had smiled at me, over a full day since she had looked at me. With Dh she was fine by this point, not eating or drinking for him, but not crying when he was near. She'd play with him, babble when he was around, look at him and ask for her foster mom. Me? If she caught me LOOKING at her, she'd cry again. If Dh left her sight she'd scream.

I remember walking the hallway with her, with the cries echoing up and down the hall. I remember showing her the outside through the window in an effort to distract her while Dh grabbed a shower. He'd come out, she'd practically leap into his arms, and then she'd stop crying. If she stopped crying in my arms, she'd fallen asleep...a fitful sleep at that.

The dreams of her came crashing down. I doubted if I would ever have a close relationship with her or not. It hurt to have her reject me. It hurt to see her play with Dh. It hurt to see the other families in our group with their kids going to their Moms, and the Moms getting to hold them and cuddle them and comfort them. I could not comfort Katie at all. My arms made her scared. My arms terrified her. My arms...made her cry that terrible grieving cry. I started getting jealous of Dh. I started resenting the fact that he was caring for her, and Katie liked him better. Yet, at the same time I was glad Katie at least felt comfortable with him.

On Wednesday I forced the issue, I held her in the Ergo carrier. I carried her around the place I wanted so badly to photograph myself (the Stone Forest). My travel mates were so great in listening to her cry for so long in the van while I held her and she cried for me to give her to Dh. I cradled her while she cried herself to sleep. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, or was I making it worse? But my arms...oh they hurt from not holding her. My heart was breaking under the weight of my sadness that I could not comfort my little girl...this daughter I had longed for...dreamed about.

That night she started getting sick. I worried that I had made her sick from allowing her cry for so long, because I was selfish in wanting to hold her and try to start that bonding and attachment process with her. My need to hold her, quickly was out-trumped by her need for medical care which she accepted from Dh instead of me. He could get her to take the medicine dropper of water. He could get her to take her cough medicine. Me? I was useless. If I looked at her, she'd cry and scream then cause herself to vomit. I was really causing her more harm than good at this point. I could pull out clothes for Dh to dress her in (if I even thought about touching her she'd scream). All care for her fell to Dh. He couldn't even get to the shower easily (he managed to squeeze it in while she was sleeping with me terrified she'd wake up and only see me).

The next morning I went down to the lobby to meet the rest of the group early. I was superfluous in the hotel room. I was causing more harm to Katie than good and Dh was irritated because if she saw me she'd cry and vomit then he'd have to start all over. I went down to the giant lobby, sat down near the huge Christmas tree in a chair and tried not to cry. I watched people come in and out. I watched the time crawl slowly toward the time we were to head out on that day's adventures. I was feeling so small and insignificant. I was wondering why I even wanted to come on this trip when clearly Dh could have come alone.

Cheri came down with Lia and her Dh, saw me...and asked where Dh and Katie were. I answered that they were still in the room but would be down soon. Something must have tipped her off, but she realized that something wasn't quite right. She asked if I was okay. I told her that yeah...I was. She didn't believe me and pressed further, I told her that Katie was rejecting me and that it was just really hard. But I understood WHY and I knew it would be okay. It was just really really hard.

She gave me a hug.

Oh my gosh...that HUG. A single hug, a simple human contact with a look in their eyes that says that they are truly sorry I'm hurting...and, well, I cried. Just a little, enough that I didn't want to alert the others that I was seriously hurting inside because I didn't want to have to answer their questions or see their pity because I knew if saw any pity I would start sobbing. I continued to sit there and think and wonder.

I started thinking about how I was wishing that Dh would decide to stay in the hotel room with Katie and I could go on the day's adventure. I could have a break from the crying, the grief....and then I heard my thoughts. I was, in effect, pushing Katie away. I was trying to withdraw MY love and MY presence from this tiny little 16 month old who was confused, all because she didn't want me around because she was SCARED. Here I had been instrumental in changing up her entire world, in ways that were NOT good in her way of thinking, and I was expecting her to accept and LOVE me? It was ME that needed to change, to become the MOTHER she needed.

Dh came down with Katie, and she was just not looking like she felt all that well. He looked tired and overwhelmed, and I realized that he had NOT had a break. He was having to worry about Katie and about me with my hurt feelings. It was not fair to him. I'm an adult, and I could deal with the rejection. HE needed me to support him in caring for OUR daughter in the way SHE needed.

We ended up not going on the outing, and we asked the guide to help us get her seen by the doctors. We went up to the hotel room to wait, and I stayed out of sight as best as possible. I got Dh the things he needed, and I thought a great deal about how I could help Katie through this. I still hurt. I still cried whenever I thought about how difficult things were, and I started thinking about how it would be okay if Katie never wanted to do things with me...that eventually she would stop crying in my presence. I tried to make myself believe it would be okay if I could never hold her again. (I was a little emotional too obviously)

The guide took us to the orphanage to get her seen by their doctors, and we were scolded for not dressing her warmly enough. She started out in Dh's arms, but she wanted ME to hold her over the doctor holding her! The orphanage got her something to drink, then made us wait to see if she kept it down. I was able to feed her that bottle, and my heart turned over and I had a glimpse that it might all be okay. Katie let me look at her, hold her, etc. while we were with the doctors.

When we got to the taxi to head back to the hotel, she refused to look at me. She stayed in Dh's arms and started crying if I touched her (I stopped touching her). I didn't hold her the rest of the afternoon. I didn't get to look into her eyes (but I watched her sleep). Then, Cheri knocked on the door and asked if we wanted to go out with them to get dinner. Dh told me that he felt we should keep Katie indoors, and I agreed. Cheri asked if they could bring us back dinner, and I was going to order when Dh told me that I could go with them and at least one of us could have a break from the hotel room!

I spent that evening walking the streets of Kunming to get dinner with Cheri and her family. I got to smile at Lia and see her interact with her family. Cheri admitted to me that things were not that great for them with Lia that she was grieving as well and wanted her Daddy more than she wanted Cheri. It helped so much to hear I wasn't totally alone in that. Cheri suggested I ask online if anyone had any ideas to help Katie start the bonding process with me. They distracted me with the walking down the streets, and Cheri gave me another hug. Then, they came over INTO OUR ROOM with our sick daughter and spent time with us. Katie and Lia stared at each other with their daddies close by and played a little...while I sat across the room and for the first time got to see Katie play.

From that point on Katie stopped crying when she saw me looking at her. If I touched her, she still cried. If she was laughing, she sobered up if she saw me watching her. But my watching her and looking at her while in the hotel room stopped resulting in cries.

I took any progress we could make at that point.

On the flight to Guangzhou Katie sat in Dh's lap, and I did not touch her or try to interact with her unless she started it (which she did not). I helped Dh care for her, I got him things he needed...but Katie's care was solely his responsibility. Once in Guangzhou she allowed me to touch her if I were putting her blanket back around her. I could change her diaper as well. I was making very very very very slow progress.

Katie was laughing and interacting with everyone else in our group, even the women. I clearly remember sitting on the bus making a realization. It was that Katie was more than grieving, she was rejecting ME as her Mother because in her eyes she had a mother. She was fighting the idea of me. It helped to know this, it really did. Katie knew that I was supposed to be someone special in her life, and she did NOT want anything to do with me.

Cheri once again came to my rescue, and agreed to do a massage with me. I know it was not the best thing for her to go off and do as Lia's grieving was still going strong and Lia needed both parents there. But she came, and made me feel like it was something SHE needed as well (still wonder about that). But oh I needed that time, that time away from the stress and worries about Katie and how she was not attaching to me. Cheri would listen and give hugs. She'd laugh with me, talk with me, and encourage me. Cheri and I bonded over that massage experience!

By the end of the trip I could carry Katie in the Ergo in Guangzhou with her at most whining, but I had to be moving and walking around. Dh was in serious need of a break. I remember walking the halls singing to Katie with her doing the whine she would do before falling asleep, trying to block me out. I did my best to comfort her and start laying the foundations for her to trust me.

Let's just say it was a LOOONG flight home where she only wanted to be held by Dh and did a little regression in how she looked at me. I didn't feel so good either (major sinus issues and breathing issues). We were all tired.

Once home it was a whirlwind through Christmas, and while it hurt to see Katie allow the grandfathers to hold her...and I was sad to see her cry around the Aunts and grandmothers, it helped that she didn't want them as much either. Now, when she finally did allow her grandmothers and aunts to PLAY with her, when she had not allowed that with me...well that was really hard and I called Cheri who listened to me. Cheri comforted me. She encouraged me. She reminded me to go back to the China Adopt forums and RE-READ the posts to me where I asked for advice. She reminded me that Katie knows I'm "special" and that I'm her Mom. She was still fighting that.

1 week after we got home...Katie finally started allowing me to MOTHER her. It took her 3 weeks to accept that I was going to mother her. I was by no means her MOM yet though. I could care for her needs, and I could hold her without crying. She would even play with me a little. But it was more of a babysitter relationship kind of thing.

Did I mention we made VERY VERY VERY VERY slow progress with her? To this day Katie breaks through each "barrier" in the attachment process about 2-3 weeks faster with Dh than with me. He got her first hug. He got her first kiss. She cuddled and snuggled in with him first. She still wants Dh if she is unsure of a situation, I'm okay in those situations but Daddy makes her feel secure. I'm okay with this because I truly want Katie to do what makes Katie feel best, and I understand it better now. I am also very thankful that Katie had known love, and knew how to attach to someone. We are reaping the rewards of that now. But it has been a LONG slow arduous process. Totally and completely worth it, and yes, if we could at this point I would do it all over again.

Not sure how long this will stay up....but I know if I had read something like this while we were in China, it would have helped so much.

It still haunts me

It's been 14 months, no 15 months since we held Katie for the first time. We are quickly approaching the time when she has lived in America for longer than she lived in China (and yes that makes me a little sad to think about).

But, honestly, there is something that still haunts me. I can hear it, very plainly in my mind 15 months later. It was something Katie would say over and over and over. Especially when we tried introducing her to me as "Momma" and perhaps the way we said it...I don't know.

She cried for so much of our trip to China, so much of it involved me. It involved ME being called "Momma" to her. It involved her just crying when I looked at her. If that was all that happened, I would understand and probably NOT be so haunted now. But she would say something, a phrase, over and over and over. It sounded a lot like "My Mom" to me.

Tonight, I was reading a blog about a little girl who is recovering from heart surgery, and her parents mentioned she said, "Ma" to things she didn't want. In Cantonese it means no.

That lightbulb went off. Katie lived in Southern China, and quite possibly did not speak Mandarin. I KNEW this before we went, but I didn't think about it until TONIGHT. Ya'll...that's 15 months with us that I didn't make the connection that while I knew she probably only spoke Cantonese, that the baby words she spoke that our friends who spoke MANDARIN couldn't understand...well, duh, she was speaking Cantonese. Or most likely, she probably spoke a dialect of Cantonese, or at least understood it. Most likely though, at 16 months she was speaking some (and given the rate of language acquisition I would suspect she was talking quite a bit). Ya'll...I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK IT UP. I knew, instinctively, it had to do with her Foster Mom. It sounded too much like Momma. I just thought, "Hey that must be what she called her."


Jyutpin------------------------------pinyin-----------meaning
maa1*4 maa1------------------------ma1 ma5----------mother, mom
maa1 mai1 mi4 / mai1 mi1------------------------------mummy, mommy

maa1*4 maa1*2 dei6*2------------------------- not bad, not so good, so so, okay, etc


I have NO idea what those would sound like with those tones

In Cantonese, the "not" seems to be the letter m in front of the "word" which serves to negate it. What does that m sound like?

She could have been calling for her Mom or Mommy...or she could have been saying "Not Mom". Whichever it was, I knew it was not me she wanted. The grief she displayed was overwhelming to me. She babbled here and there, especially with Dh...and I wish I had been able to get that on video (she would stop as soon as she saw the video camera). But, my mind has perfectly recorded that wail with "My Mom" and it haunts me still.

I can hear her crying, sobbing, "My mom" over and over in my mind. I can picture the hotel room in Kunming, with Dh holding her while she cried. I tried to hold her and it caused her to scream in this terror filled voice that needed no translation. When I close my eyes while remembering this...I can smell that scent...that precious scent that was hers while we were in China.

And then my heart breaks again for all that she has lost. All that her Foster Mom lost. All that her Mom in China has lost.

It still haunts me. I think it always will.

It's finally happened...

It took her about 13 months, but she has finally done something that I've been waiting on. Waiting for months and months and months for her to do. Why? Because I knew that until she did this one thing, I would wonder if she was anxiously attached. I would wonder how much she still carried with her from her time in China. I would wonder how much the first 16 months of minimal stimulating toys affected her.

Did I mention that she's just about 2.5 years old? I've been waiting on this for months.

MONTHS.









Do you see what I see? If you've adopted internationally, I'm sure you do. If you have not, I'm sure you only see the messy messy room. She is playing with toys. She is playing with toys ALONE in her room.

Do you see - the doctor's kit next to the open doors of the doll crib? She was doctoring the babies...and changing their clothes and diapers (hint to those out there, buy stock in baby doll diapers at the rate she's going through them). The Little People town was played with. The kitchen food was spread all around the room. The First dollhouse was pulled out of the closet and put in the middle of the room (she evidently could not find the pieces to it, so it was abandoned there). The tea cart? Oh she wheels that around the upstairs for multiple tea parties with babies that are sporadically placed around the house.

Imaginative play. Play with toys appropriately. INDEPENDENT play.

The evidence of this brought tears to my eyes...the first 5 times. I'm quickly developing the reaction most parents have when greeted with a bedroom that looks like this after just 15 minutes from when it was spotlessly clean. ;)

1 year ago

1 year ago, Xi Xiao Lan was placed in our arms in a cold apartment like building down an alley in Kunming, China. It seemed like such an incogruous location for such momentuous occasions as adoption. But, that civil affairs building was the place where she became Katie.




I often look back over the photos and I see now just how frightened she was. I see the terror. I see the sadness and grief. It breaks my heart so much that I struggle to just see those images now. I love them for what they represent, but I hurt for the pain she was feeling, pain that we caused. I feel guilt over that pain. Yet, I love this girl so much and so thankful we took that leap of faith to say yes to having the chance to be her family.






(this one is from April, so 4+ months with us and we were getting lots of smiles, true smiles)


I think of her foster mother often, how much she had to go through to release this precious fiesty little girl back to the orphanage to be adopted by us. I know she was well loved by this foster family, and I know that this anniversary carries sad memories for them. I wish with all my heart that the orphanage there would allow us contact with the foster families. I would love to give them an update on our little girl. I know that their love, their affection, has helped her to become wonderfully attached to us. The foster family loved Katie fully and had to have deep grief. Katie herself grieved heavily, so heavily that it has taken this entire year before we have fully seen her personality. We have had to be very aware of attachment, bonding, and grief processes. Katie took a long time getting around to trusting us and loving us, but we're there. I know we still have work to go in this, but we know she's attached to us.

We still see this self-soothing technique.

But it often quickly turns into her showing us her personality!


For example, we did not get our first hug that we initiated until she'd been with us about 6-8 weeks. It took another 4 months before she would initiate a hug. It took her about 8 weeks to throw a temper tantrum when we told her no to something. It took her almost 12 weeks to "talk back" to us and disagree. It took 10 months for her give us a kiss. She still does not cuddle well, but she will sit in our laps (or beside us). It took months before she would let us out of her sight in the house. Those early months I knew she was trying to please us, and I could see that she was still fearful of us leaving her. I can mostly only see it for certain in looking back at the photos we have. I documented as much as I possibly could of her transistion, and today I can see how very slowly that adjustment to us took.


It's been an incredible journey, one I would love to do again. I do not know if we will ever go back to China to adopt another child, but at this point I hope we can. Katie is the center of attention in our family so often, and everyone in our family loves on her. I love seeing how well she has fit in, and it seems like she has always been a part of our family. We are so blessed to have her in our lives.

Adopted is NOT an adjective!

Just wanted to clarify that. Adopted is a verb. It's a PAST tense verb as well. Meaning that it happened in the past and is not happening.

Katie is NOT my adopted daughter. She is my daughter who was adopted. It is something that happened in our past. It is not going on any longer (well, okay, we need to do the re-adoption to get a birth certificate from our state). When you (general you) are introducing, please do not say, "This is Katie their adopted daughter." Or "This is their adopted daughter Katie." Who really cares if she is adopted or not...she is our daughter. Plain and simple.

When asking a question of a group of people, please don't say, "Those of you with adopted kids." Instead, can you please say, "Those of you with kids who were adopted." Or "Those of you who adopted your kids." It's a small thing, and it may seem petty to you. But it's part of the thousand cuts that build up and can really hurt someone.

So, ADOPT is a verb. ADOPTION is a noun. There is not an adjective for adoption, unless of course you want to use BEAUTIFUL. That one, yes, I think that is the best adjective for adoption and our children.

Reflections on what I learned from our China trip

Prior to even thinking about adoption, I had thought I was beyond all racial reactions in me. I thought that I was "color blind" and only judged people on their character. While that IS true (and after reading some great blogs, I'm learning that being "color blind" isn't quite right either as that denies a lot of WHO a person is). What I had not heard of, nor learned about, nor even seemed to care about is White Privilege. Huh? What in the HECK is that I wondered the first time I ever heard the term. After reading a few more blogs, I slowly began to understand it in my mind.

It's the knowledge that I will fit in when I go somewhere. It's the knowledge that I will be treated fairly in regards to race when I go shopping, or out to eat, or to the movies. It's really so very many things that I take for granted. It's the knowledge that when people SEE me, they know my cultural background and it's considered the "standard" one, the "ideal" one. It's the knowledge that ads are geared to appeal to me. It's the knowledge that television shows are geared to appeal to me. It's the fact that I can take my kids into a store and find toys that fit THEIR ideas of themselves, well okay not Katie and her baby dolls.

See, I understood it intellectually before we adopted. I didn't understand what it meant emotionally. I had not really seen minorities treated badly in front of my own eyes in a long time, or perhaps I was just blind to it? I thought we had mostly moved past this stage.

Then...well, the trip to China happened. Specifically, the LAX airport happened. I was happy and secure in myself all the way through Denver. But it was going to the international terminal at LAX, and going through security. Seeing the TSA belittle the people around us from other countries. Seeing the exasperation and rudeness they displayed with people who didn't speak English and were not white. Then, I experienced stellar treatment when we went through. Why? Is it that we are American and spoke English? Is it that we had our paperwork ready like they had asked? Or was it something related to race? I don't know, but the TSA person was not white.

But I will never EVER forget how it felt to walk up to that China Air (or was it Air China) area and realize that we were the ONLY white people around. That we could not understand what anyone was saying. Where, for the first time, we were ignored when standing at the desk to ask a question. Where, when I smiled in greeting to people, I didn't get the same response back that I do at home. I got curious looks. I got stared at. I was watched. It made me uncomfortable. My heart starting breaking when I realized that THIS is how many people in our country live on a day to day basis. I started looking at the ground so I didn't have to see them staring at me. It hit me then that perhaps so many minorities around me look at the ground for the same reason. It made me want to cry for what Katie would experience growing up in our family and in our country. It opened my eyes to how far we really had to go. I wondered then how I would feel for the next 12 days while in China.

It was shocking to me to NOT hear English first in instructions while in America. I had sort of expected it in China, but not really given it much thought. I had not thought just how isolated I was going to feel in China not being able to speak the language, how out of place I would feel because no matter where I was I would stand out due to my skin color. It made me truly feel uncomfortable about how comfortable I have it here in America. It made me wonder how Katie was going to feel growing up in our home, in our lives, and I wondered...was I doing the right thing?

I felt very guilty for any of the bad thoughts I had previously had, especially in Disney where instructions are given in multiple languages. It's NOT easy to sit and wait to hear your language so you can understand what is being said. It's really not easy to sit through the quiet while the first set is being played, then everyone around you starts talking and you can't quite hear and understand the YOUR language instructions. It was very frustrating. It was very eye-opening.

Since our trip, where I learned exactly how hard it was to not fully understand people who were talking to you, and how difficult it was to order a meal when you couldn't speak with the person, I have looked around me with new eyes. I have tried to respond in ways that I do not hinder someone who might be in the situation of having to cope with not speaking the language. I have read numerous blogs on race issues. I have vowed to give as much support as I can to Katie's feelings about how she looks. We will also talk to her about how when she goes out without us around, people are going to assume she has a different cultural background than what she will have. We'll have to prepare her for people thinking she doesn't speak English when they first see her. We'll have to prepare her for dealing with racism in all forms, something I don't feel totally prepared for as I have never really experienced it. I hope that I can.

By the way, ordering a meal in China with picture menus was one interesting experience. It wasn't hard, but there was no way to order special. Not to mention trying to figure out the money. Basic life skills that I take for granted here. It is NOT easy, and patience and kindness go a VERY long way.

What it felt like to be skipped for LOA/RA

It's been over a year, and I still have bitter feelings about what happened during our wait for LOA. It was a partially a product of my own doing by counting and analyzing so much. But at the same time, it was also something terrible that I really must move beyond.

We got our referral on June 26, and were LOI on June 29th. I knew that our file was very close to going into the review room because the box said they had finished reviewing July 2006 files, and it had been changed a good time prior to that, and in early July it did change to reflect that August 2006 was out of review. As we all know that the box only changes when all agencies are out of review, and I had reason to believe that my agency was ahead of the "changing box" by at least a few weeks.

So, from watching the LOI to LOA timeframes I expected to definitely be in under the 90 day average. I knew that my NSN group was in review in July most likely, and I was hoping that I had been LOI early enough to make sure it was moved in the correct stack. But regardless, my month's LID group was being reviewed so I thought we'd "move to the top" of the stack. KWIM?

Seems a little silly to think that now, but numbers back then, did lead me to think that around 60 days would be about right. Out of review took about 30 days, in NSN review took around 60, and not through review at all or near it took 90 days. Sure there were exceptions, but I totally ignored them.

I remember well the day that LOA/RA came in for the groups I thought I would be in. I had been calling my coordinator to check on things as I had noticed that other agencies with 9/06 LID had all gotten their LOA/RA for their clients. I was already a little scared, but I was trusting in our agency. They wanted to wait until it had passed 90 days (which was the week before their week long holiday), and then they wanted to wait until the next batch of LOA/RA came in. It did. I remember a friend calling me to say "I got it!!! Did you?" I was at karate and had not heard. I called, and my coordinator asked if had gotten my email. As I had been out of the house, No I had not. She gently told me, "Yours did not come. Neither did any for the people logged in during 9/2006." She told me I had been the TOP slot on their list as I had the earliest LID and the earliest LOI date, because I did not get it that meant that something was definitely wrong. She told me they were going to check into it, but it would be the next week before they heard back and to be warned it might not be very informative.

I asked all sorts of questions, and the only thing she could tell me was that at the very worst we would be starting the 90 day wait period over again. The best case was that the LOA was ready to send and we would get it at the end of the following week. My hopes for travel at the end of October were dashed. 100% dashed. I entered a very dark place at this time, a place where I felt like the adoption was never ever going to go forward. That I was going to not be approved to adopt her. I would fluctuate between calm acceptance and despair. Only Dh fully saw how the emotional turmoil was going on for me. Only he saw the stress it put me under. Someone in our agency, who was waiting to travel and had had her own set of rough wait sent me emails and encouragement. She truly helped me through those days.

The next week I got my answer, "We process according to LID and LOI date." Huh? So, the agency went back and told them about MY file and it should have been processed already. What was going on. We never received a clear cut answer, but the best anyone was able to figure out was that when we sent in LOI our month was in NSN review room. They pulled it and put the SN LOI with it, then let it finish up review. When our month came out of review it should have gone back to the SN department and we should have gotten our LOA. Something happened, and it never made it back to SN department is what we think. 9/2006 LID month was the first time the "out of review" box part took the longest time. Other families had had the exact same thing happen to them as I was experiencing, and it ended up being that after their month was officially out of review they got LOA.

While in my dark days, no answers, and constant wondering what was going on, I had to cancel my baby shower for Katie. We didn't even know if we would be approved. The group that got LOA when I should have, started getting their TA and setting up travel...I was still waiting for that LOA notice. I remember vividly knowing that the group I fully expected to be traveling with was leaving on November 1st. I did not have LOA yet, with no hope on the horizon as my LID group was not out of review room officially yet. The agency had long since done all they could and we were just waiting. We did not know if they were just now reviewing things, if I would have to wait until January to get LOA or what. All I knew is that my baby girl, that I had not had any updates on, was aging each day. That I did not know what her feet looked like. I didn't know her smile. I didn't know what her cry sounded like. See, her orphanage is notorious for NO updates or photos. It's very very closed. I found myself being so jealous for all the updates that others would get of their child.

In an effort to pull myself out of that dark place, I took the boys and focused on them on October 31st. I took them and made portraits (those at the blog header), and we spent the day goofing off. While I was not smiling much for Halloween, the boys did enjoy themselves and we enjoyed time as a family. I knew the group was leaving the next day, and all I could think about was how I was supposed to be leaving with them.

November 1st we got our LOA. The coordinator called to tell me, and I remember NOT wanting to answer the phone when I saw the area code/caller id. I just knew it would be more bad news because it couldn't be my LOA because I was convinced by this point that I would never get it. That my daughter would be forced to grow up without our love. I had thought about how unfair it was of us to request her file when it would take us so long to get to her, that she should have had a family that could get to her quickly because she so deserved it. But, I did answer. It was my LOA. The sun came out and the world was brighter...but it was that brittle kind of bright. KWIM?

We were told to expect to travel around the end of November. Of course there were delays with getting TA. Then CA were not readily available. But we managed to leave on December 6th, and get home on the 19th.

1 year later, I am still fighting some of the bitterness I feel in being skipped. In having my paperwork "lost" and losing a full month with my daughter. I still have some lingering emotions from that time. While the "extra" waiting I endured makes sense now, and I'm truly thankful to have traveled when we did....I will still always remember that wait.

Just like I will always remember the incredibly long wait for our DTC when I was doing everything I could to get it through. It took us 9 months, and had much to do with getting all the clearances that were required by our state.

Would I do it all again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Are we going to? I just don't know. I would like to, but right now, finance dictate we must wait...and we don't feel that tug to start just yet either. ;)

PRAY HARD!

Susannah is in the hospital and not doing well at all. Her mother had to push to be able to even meet her. She's not doing well at all, pulse ox stats WITH oxygen are 60-90%. The hospital is NOT even nearly what we're used to. Leslie needs as much support, good thoughts, prayers, etc. as you can spare.

My heart is breaking for her, and I'm incredibly worried about them getting home.

another Kunming child is coming home!

and it's someone from my agency that I've been emailing with. They are going to need lots of prayers over the course of the next couple of weeks. See, their daughter's SN is a heart condition (and cleft), but the heart condition is what we are all praying on for her. She was in the hospital a few weeks/month ago and her heart condition is still fairly severe. It was so severe that she was one of the few children not sent to foster care (so she could be near medical care if needed). I know her Mom and Dad are worried about her, worried about the travel, and worried about how everything will go.

I have her linked over to the right - Susannah and I know she'd appreciate comments and prayers over the next 2 weeks.

They leave Thursday - 9/11 and return 16 days later. It's going to be a LONG trip (ours was only 13 days and it felt like an eternity). I especially hope both the Mom and the Dad stay healthy and do not have trouble with asthma as I did.

There is also another family - Mahli - linked on Kunming who are waiting on TA and USCIS forms to travel.

Then 2 of those over there on Kunming families - Crystina and Going for Gracie have both just traveled. :)

Why do we hardly talk about the tough parts?

You know, the home for months and attachment issues are still there. Home for years and noticing another attachment related issue. Home and having to go through doctor appointment after doctor appointment, finding out new things, ruling other things out. We never talk about how draining all of that can be. How difficult it is to continually go to multiple therapy appointments each week (or have them come into your home). How it's harder to do the therapy assignments, the "homework" if you will. How every time you play with your child it is therapy related play.

It's HARD. Yes, we do it. Yes we do it mostly without complaining. It's what parents do. But it's hard. It's hard to hear how someone newly home is easily adjusting with something you've struggled with. You feel jealous, then guilty for not being 100% happy for them. Then guilt for feeling jealous.

So much of our lives in the adoption process is judged by someone in relation to whether we would be good parents or not. It's hard to remember, that admitting we struggle with something doesn't mean we are not good parents. It means we are human. Heck, our reasons for adoption are even scrutinized greatly.

Why do we not feel comfortable talking about these things openly?

Now, I know I am extremely lucky in that Katie has not needed therapy. However, I have been through speech therapy with a child so I know the time involved in that. I've been through the process of getting diagnosis of medical things, and know how frustrating that can be. We, as parents and spouses, must be very proactive in what we do. We must do lots of research on our own, but tempered with the knowledge that we will surely find the worst case stuff. :) We are still dealing with some attachment issues, but thank goodness things are getting much better!

Another aspect that is hard, is the struggle of adding another child to the family dynamic. When you give birth, you have a "blob" of a baby who basically stays where you put them, is easily transported to places like church, ball games, etc. with minimal extra stuff. With adoption, especially international adoption, you incorporate an older baby. In our case, a toddler. Toddlers are not blobs. They are active. They have strong opinions. They needs lots of things to go to a ballgame - things like snacks, drinks, change of clothes, diapers, wipes, sunscreen, toys, strollers, blankets, and then some! Having a child who loves to play in toilets, getting 3 children dressed on Sunday morning...can be a recipe for disaster. I do not know how many times we've had to change Katie into a 2nd dress right before going out the door! The struggles with just day to day live, adjustments you have to make. We never talk about the realities of it all. We all know it's worth it, more than worth it...but no one ever talks about how tough just being a parent is.

For everyone out there who might still be reading, I'm not in a bad place or anything. I've been writing this post for, oh, 4-5 months. Roughly when the group after ours, or the 2nd group after ours got home from China. Lately, I've begun feeling jealous over the people going through that process (like I did for people pregnant with their first child after I had JM). I was deeply moved by our entire experience, and relished every bit of it (okay maybe not the very sick child part). I know, in my heart, that we are likely never to go back. Finances just dictate that. Not to mention the amount of time involved, and the changing of family dynamics. I'm learning to slowly accept and be content in my current circumstances (well not the house maybe). :)

1 year ago

we were LOI for Katie. It took us another 5.5 months before we would travel. I remember those days of excitement, those first days of gazing in wonder and awe at Katie's photos. I never would have thought it would take 5.5 months before we would travel. I wonder what she was doing 1 year ago. I think about that, and I think about what her foster Mom was doing. When was her foster Mom told that she was being adopted?

I wonder what her foster Mom is doing this year? Does she have another foster child? Does she think about Katie? I'm sure she must. Katie was obviously well loved and taken care of. I remember how hard it was during those 5.5 months to think about Katie and not know how she was doing, not knowing what her smile looked like, how her voice sounded, how big she was, how big her foot was....just minor details that a parent should know about their child...but yet I did not know them. I think about her foster mom feeling those feelings now, and I wonder if her first mom/birth mom has those thoughts as well.

So, 1 year ago today, China knew we wanted to be matched with Katie and her joining our family was officially started on it's journey.

(photos from a few days ago....I just love her personality)

Referral Anniversary - Year 1

One year ago I got a phone call that changed my life! OH how I remember the day so clearly. I knew AWAA had gotten a list and knew that I had been waiting almost a year on a SN referral. While I had thought we would get a call in April with that list, I was thinking that we might not with this list. I don't know why, but perhaps I was guarding my heart. I was in email contact with a friend and I told her I had such peace this time. I really did.

The early morning of Tuesday June 26th, my family coordinator called. I thought, "OH boy is this is?! I don't want to think it is...let me chit chat about small talk so I can prolong this amazing suspense." See, I hate to hear bad news and I just knew she was NOT calling with a referral. I had not seen anyone else post referral info so I did not know they were making calls.

She told me, "I want to go over your SN medical checklist to see if things are still the same."

I had not heard that this was normal for the referral call, so I thought "Okay, not the referral but perhaps they are going to be matching and I *might* have a chance."

She continued, "You have heart conditions marked, is that still a Yes?"

OH yes ma'am it was! I told her we were okay with that. That I knew I had confused them with the constant moving of things from Maybe to Yes, but that Dh only wanted things marked yes that we were most likely to accept the referral and the maybe answers were the ones we would consider but would have to review the file some.

She then said, "I am actually calling you about a little girl that I think will be a perfect match for your family. Do you want to hear about her?"

*silence*

I finally responded, "OH YES!!!!!!"

"Well, she's currently 10.5 months old." *I think the tears started here.* "She has a heart condition, actually the paperwork says 3." *My heart and stomach fell out from under me at this point.* "It looks like, from reading through the paperwork that one of the conditions has resolved itself. In April or May, it's hard to tell which, it looks like she weighed X and was Y tall. She really cute and looks very healthy. She's from the Yunnan Province at Kunming CWI. The paperwork says she's at the orphanage in one part and then mentions she's very attached to her foster Mom. So, I'm not sure if she's in foster care or the orphanage. Do you want to review the electronic information?"

"yes." very timid answer as the 3 heart conditions scared me a little. "Remember do not send the photos as we do not want to see the photos until we are sure we are going forward with adopting her."

I stayed on the line with her to make sure I got the email, and the attachment. All 14 pages of the attachment.

It was roughly 10am. I got online and looked up heart conditions online, I tried to decipher what the paperwork was saying the heart conditions were. I had a friend I could call whose son has a heart condition, and she had told me to contact her if I had questions about a referral of a child. I called her, and she excitedly helped me figure out what the paperwork was saying. She then sent an email to the nurse she deals with the most in her son's care asking if I could email the file to her for her advice (pediatric cardiac nurse of something or other....I just needed to KNOW what the conditions were and where to research). As I was reading her the description of Katie's personality, my friend told me "It sounds like you already love her." I did. I didn't need a photo to fall in love, I did that with the description.

So, I get the file sent off to the nurse, but I am thinking I might know what the conditions are - given possible translation issues. I was feeling LESS nervous about these conditions. I did not, however, have enough info to call Dh at work and tell him about her and explain the conditions.

I called the pediatricians office, and had to go through the phone tree to get to the nurse for our pediatrician. She was thrilled for us and went to get the doctor as quickly as she could (asking if I could stay on the line). *You betcha I could!* He got on, and I gave him the bare details...and then I told him I had it in email format. He got excited and asked if I could send it to him and he would look at it as soon as he possibly could. (It's a rather busy practice, so I knew it could be a little while). I thanked him, and sent it. I told him the 3 conditions, and he felt that it was translation issues and confirmed what I was thinking. He said one did sound closed (not surprising), one was something he would consider "normal finding," and the 3rd is our only issue. He thought, from the sounds of things without looking at the file yet, that it was a PDA. He said that MANY people have this, the question would be how severe and we really would not know that until we got her home.

Less than 5 minutes later I got the response from the nurse and she confirmed what I had thought and what the pediatrician had thought. It was enough for me to get the website URLs that explained it good enough terms for my Dh. I called him. It was around 12:15, and I really hoped he had the ability to go to his office!

He reacted much the same as I did, and he too fell a little in love with the description. He was concerned about the 3 different conditions, and what all that meant. I told him the pediatrician was looking at the file and was going to call me back, but that from talking with him he seemed to think this was minor. I also told him that AWAA needed to know fairly quickly if we wanted the paper file or not. I had to explain that getting the paper file did not mean we were sending an LOI in, but that it meant we were SERIOUSLY considering this. I then mentioned that the faster we got the LOI in, the better of a chance we would have to travel before October and the trade fairs IF we thought this was our daughter. He asked me if I had seen the photos. *boy does he know me well* I told him I had AWAA hold them, but we could request them at any point. He told me to wait as he wanted to research things a little bit, and wanted to hear back from the pediatrician. I gave him a deadline of 2pm.

*I actually had to take the kids to karate and NOT say anything to anyone. I was surprised they didn't see my sparkling happy eyes, my inability to SIT STILL!*

1:45pm our family coordinator called to ask if we wanted the paper file to be sent to us or not. That the Fed Ex pick up was quickly approaching. :) I asked what the next steps were if we moved forward, what did I need to do, what did I have to write, etc. I told her I really thought we were going to accept her, but I was waiting on Dh to give the final say so. I then made her talk to me about those photos. OH how I was dying to see her face!!! While on the phone Dh called, said he would really like to wait to hear back from the pediatrician, but he too thought we'd move forward so go ahead and request the file. I asked him, "can I request the photo as well?" He told me that while he wanted to wait until we were LOI to see the photos, that he thought we had already fallen in love with the description so what was the point in waiting NOW! ;) I love that man! LOL I hung up with him, told our coordinator to send the paper file, WITH the photos. She asked if I wanted the photos emailed to me or did I just want to wait until the next morning to get them in the paper file.

*silence*

"SEND THEM NOW!!!!!"

I get an email from her with the subject XI XIAO LAN and I see the attachment marking. I thanked her, told her I saw the email and saw it had attachments but I was not going to open it until Dh got home from work so we could see her face together. The family coordinator laughed with me, then hung up the phone.

*I sat and STARED at that email in my inbox....for HOURS.*

Pediatrician called back and said "She sounds REALLY good on paper. It is what we thought it is." I told him a friends cardiac nurse agreed. I asked if we should have it reviewed by a cardiologist, and he said we could but he didn't feel like we had to as this was a minor condition. *tears again* I thanked him, and told him I could send photos after I saw them with Dh. He wanted to see them as well, so I told him to expect them that evening! :)

Sometime in here I actually managed to feed my kids lunch, eat lunch myself, and get dressed. I emailed the friend I had been in contact with and asked for prayers and positive thoughts...and was told she did not get a call yet. My heart was so sad for her.

4:30pm Dh comes in the door. I look at him, and then we RACE up the stairs to my computer to open the email. This was the first photo we saw:


My first reaction, "LOOK AT HER HAIR!"

It was true. Dh's as well. Then, "Oh she is cute!!! and so healthy looking!" Then I said, "She looks Centauri." Dh laughed. *We're big Sci-Fi fans, and the hair reminded us of the characters on one of our favorite shows.*

We then opened the other two, and fell even more in love than we already were. I was ready to LEAVE right then and there to get her.



We made the decision that night. She's ours. Our paperwork was signed and Fed-ex'd back to AWAA Wednesday night, they got it Thursday...and we were LOI (errr...EA which was the new electronic acceptance) on Friday June 29, 2008.

Over the next couple of weeks I stared at those photos so much, then I got a surpise of 2 more photos that were more recent (and my heart turned over and I knew I would do anything for her). I stared at my photos (and printed a TON out to give to people) for weeks...then months...the full 125 days until LOA/RA, then the 25 days to TA, then the 10 days until we left for China. It was 167 from the time we first saw her face until we held her in our arms. It went so incredibly slowly.

Here is Katie, with her "referral" photo.
(taken yesterday, because I was not sure if I would get a chance today or not...it's a busy day)

Perfect Timing - part 2

We were dossier to China, finally, after 9 long months. I had been online reading forums and chatting with other parents in process of adopting from China. I was devouring all the blogs I could read, and gazing with longing at all the baby photos. It was a during March of 2006 that I started forming a friendship with a lady online who was planning to go SN. Special Needs?! Huh? Why?

My vision of SN was skewed. It was the vision of medically fragile children. Medically hard to raise children. I knew life did not have guarantees, and I knew if I were to get pregnant then my child might have a SN, and a serious one at that. But to knowingly CHOOSE to go down that path. I was interested in reading more blogs about these wonderful adoptive parents.

April of 2006 I was emailing Dh asking if he might be interested in SN, at least joining the interested families with our agency. He was resistive because, like me, he was thinking in that skewed viewpoint. What changed our minds? the children, the families, the knowledge we gained. Knowledge truly is power. I mean, a short year prior we had decided against a specific program because they would only allow SN adoptions.

When we started the process we did not realize that SN adoption from China mainly meant that the child had a need that would require medical attention. Some are VERY minor and some are more major. I learned that we could review a file, think about it, and then if we decided that the medical need was too great we could decline it without any penalties to our NSN spot. Okay. Why was I closing this avenue off when I had trusted Him about leading us to this specific agency, to China, to trusting that the timing would work out (okay, so I didn't do so well with that part). What if...what if our daughter was going to be on one of the Waiting Children list that AWAA got?!

It was now May, I'm more on board with SN than ever...dh is still trying to figure out the catch. We both start realizing the wait it going to be MUCH longer than the 9 months we were thinking NSN would take. Being the list maker I am, I start researching the SN that we would be most comfortable with. I send multiple emails to dh outlining the steps, showing him the MINOR SN that are out there. Why these children are considered SN. It's now June, and we're getting closer to DTC. I've progressed from researching abstract conditions, to looking at photolistings and blogs of children. I see how major some are, and how minor others are. I know we can do this. In July, I finally explain it in such a way that Dh is on board. Both of our boys had a birthmark on their foreheads. Yes, they did fade and are mostly not noticeable. This alone would have made them SN.

August 1, 2006 we got the word that we were approved for SN with our agency and were on the Interested Families List (we'd applied during the month of July).

How was this Perfect timing? Well, it works out for us being matched with Katie. See, if we had applied and been accepted on the list in, oh say, April 2006, it's likely we'd have been referred a little girl by around August, or December 2006. It was not meant to be. We were meant to be Katie's family, and she was not born until August 1, 2006! There was another little "thing" that helped delay us getting a referral for a "heart baby" as well, it was the fact that we did not fully understand the "Yes" and the "Maybe" checklist on medical SN.

There were other heart babies on the various lists AWAA got from August 1, 2006 until our referral June 26, 2007. Why did we not get a call? Well, different things kept happening and as hard as it was to live through, Katie's file was not ready and not sent to AWAA until mid-June 2007. That is the reason. She was almost 11 months old. Could she have had her file sent sooner? Yes. why not? I'm not sure. But I like to think it had to do with when we were meant to travel and who our travel companions were meant to be.

Perfect Timing - Part 1

2 years ago, on November 18, 2005, we sat down at the computer and applied online to America World. We paid the online fee, and read that it could take up to 7 days for them process and approver our application. 5-7 Business days that is. That week, just like the one in 2007, was the weekend before Thanksgiving. It took until after Thanksgiving to hear from them. We were told that due to a question they had, we needed a full doctor's letter written to explain the question. Nothing major, but it did need to be done.

It wasn't a huge deal since we had started the process 5 months prior to my 30th birthday, and since you had to be 30 to adopt from China, we were still hopeful we'd be DTC right at my 30th birthday.

Well, I didn't explain (i.e. write out the letter that AWAA needed) for the doctor, so it took me a little while to get it. 7 weeks to be exact. 7 weeks of calling the doctor to find out if they had gotten it written, and if they had gotten it notarized. The notary part took an extra week since their notary was out of the office for Christmas. We finally got our approval from AWAA and were officially their clients in early January 2006. We paid our first program fee!

Perfect timing: End of year bonus/medical reimbursement/savings allowed us to start this journey with cash!

Since I had been advised not to get started on the homestudy portion as we were not sure we would be approved to start, we now contacted our homestudy agency. I had done lots of research and found the name of the social worker who I had heard was super fast! That's what I wanted, a super fast homestudy completed.

As it was now January, the homestudy agency was doing seminars and workshops and training. I had applied the first week of January to the homestudy agency, our "intake" appointment was February 1st. 3 weeks of waiting for phone calls back, filling out paperwork to apply to the homestudy agency, and finally getting in with the social worker (not the one who would be writing the homestudy). We got our further instructions, and it was now 2 months until my 30th birthday. I still had hopes we could make it.

January 26th I had mailed our I-600A form to USCIS to get our fingerprinting appointment!

As part of our homestudy approval, we must have child abuse and neglect clearance checks done. This involves local fingerprints to be cleared through state. We went on February 2nd for our state fingerprints, this only involved a quick trip to the local sheriff's department for good old ink fingerprints - 2 cards each. We mailed these in, along with the payments for the CAN clearance, homestudy fees, and post-placement fees.

Perfect Timing - income tax refund allowed us to pay cash for this as well.

February 10th we went for our USCIS FBI fingerprints. These are not to be confused with the above fingerprint which also had to go to the FBI (just not the FBI USCIS office).

I called the doctor to get in for physicals, the earliest she could get us scheduled was February 27 and February 28. I gathered the boys' medical forms, got them notarized. I paperchased for our birth certificates (mine, Dh, and the boys'), our marriage certificate, etc. Can you believe it took us 5 states to get all the information? We also did our online education requirements for our homestudy agency (the completion form had to be turned in to get our first homestudy visit scheduled). While waiting for that first homestudy visit, we got the notice that Dh's fingerprints had cleared and he had cleared CAN. I got notice that my fingerprints had cleared state, but not the FBI (not the USCIS FBI) and I had not cleared CAN. I called the homestudy agency to question this as we had started that together. They advised we wait for 6 weeks and if I had not gotten a rejection notice, then they would call and find out my status.

We had our visits for our homestudy done. The social worker was AWESOME and fast. All our visits were done in less than 2 weeks, and 2 weeks later she had it written. We were now waiting on my CAN clearance.

Agency called to check, I had been rejected they just did not tell us. So, I march back down to the sheriff's department and get fingerprinted AGAIN. It's middle of March. Our homestudy is basically done. I have all papers required by AWAA gathered, notarized, and sent off for state authentications. I'm waiting on that CAN clearance.

April rolls around, it's been 4 weeks and we've heard nothing. My birthday is past, I'm waiting on CAN clearance so we can send our completed homestudy to state for approval. At the 5 week mark we know we're headed out of town for about a week, so I get more fingerprints done and sent to the homestudy agency so they can send them for my CAN clearance if we're rejected. While gone for the week, I get a call that I was FINALLY approved! We are now waiting on that official letter from the state saying I was approved. It must be attached to my homestudy when they send it right back to state for approval (yes the same building it was issued from).

So, we get home, I was fully expecting to have that piece of paperwork. Did not have it. I called the homestudy agency, they did not have it. A few days later, still didn't have it. They noticed they had the paper from other families approved AFTER me, so they called state. State made us wait the full 2 weeks from approval before reissuing the paper. It was now early May.

We got the paperwork, sent it RIGHT BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM!!!! This time with the homestudy attached. State looked it over and approved it May 23rd. It was then sent to USCIS, and while they don't send it trackable mail (oh the agony) we estimated it got there May 26th. We were told 4-6 weeks for processing. I thought, GREAT end of June!!! I quickly sent all the rest of our dossier for full authentications. I got it all ready.

4 weeks came and went. I started getting online to look to see where the USCIS office was in processing. I found out that April wasn't even through yet! Actually I found out the officer in charge of adoptions was not working, and that the USCIS office was saying 90 days for processing as the website states. Then in mid-July, we were told it was 90 BUSINESS days. The last week of July I found out someone with a June 12 2006 date of documents getting to the USCIS got their approval, but where was MY approval? We were skipped. So, I started having people look into it. No one had phone numbers. I called our state reps. Shortly after August 1, 2006 I got our 171h form in the mail!!! It was a Saturday, so we immediately took it to the bank for the "original copy" notarization. Monday morning we took it for county certification. Monday night we drove to the state capital, walked it in Tuesday for same day processing and I sent it on to Houston for courier service. I had it back in hand Monday. I shipped it priority overnight with 10am delivery to America World. The entire dossier was shipped, and it felt like I was shipping off the most priceless artifact known to man. Since Fed Ex does not insure documents, I sent it UPS - insured for some insane amount.

I watched it via tracking - lets just say we went the scenic route, and at 3am it was in Lexington, KY with a label "adverse weather conditions"

Okay...it was August. In Kentucky, the document had come from the South. It's AUGUST. No snow. I checked Weather.com, accuweather.com, intellicast.com, and weatherunderground.com. There were no tornados. There were no thunderstorms. There was no rain. It was a clear night. No high winds. No fog.

What adverse weather conditions?

Since I had insured it, I was told I could get the amount back for between "next day 10am delivery" and whatever it made it if there was an error.

Since UPS put in "adverse weather conditions" they told me that they did not have to refund my money. They can't be responsible for weather. I asked them WHAT was the adverse weather conditions...I checked for the entire southeast and could NOT find it. I asked why it went from our city to Birmingham to Atlanta to Knoxville to Lexington when it was headed for D.C.?

"Adverse weather conditions."

Okay, I was mad. I told the guy that UPS had caused me to miss the cut-off for sending in a dossier THIS WEEK and that it had been a 9 month process! I was emotional.

I called AWAA, told them what had happened, and since I had been so good about sending in copies, my family coordinator knew I had it all correct. She told me that IF it got there Thursday early, then they might possibly be able to get it in with the shipment for Friday August 18.

We made it!!! Our DTC was Friday August 18, 2006. Exactly 9 months to the day after we applied to AWAA. 9 months for our paperchase, when I did everything in my power to push it along, and basically had our dossier complete by mid-March. If not for the CAN clearance, I would have been DTC in April 2006. Our USCIS office was processing in 2-3 weeks during the month of March. Of course, you can say that if the doctor had written the letter quickly, we would have been through CAN earlier. True. There were a lot of "delays" with our paperwork.

Perfect Timing: Because it took 9 months we were able to pay cash for the 2nd payment as well. At this point we had not gone into any debt whatsoever for the adoption. We'd not paid down extra debt, but we were not further into debt. :)

Why China? Why adopt?

this is probably going to be a really long post, and for that I'm sorry. But honestly, to get through to WHY I need to make you understand where I was when we made that decision.

Dh and I, on an agonizingly long drive cross country right after we were married, had a long discussion about how many children we were going to have. I wanted 4. Dh wanted 2. We compromised at 3, possibly 4. Dh wanted to adopt, and I had wanted to adopt from China since I was 14 years old. Dh wasn't sure on country and would not commit at that time. I was 20, he was 26. We had years to wait on China adoption anyway, and I knew we wanted bio kids.

Being the "list maker and planner" that I am, we discussed timing. I wanted the kids 4 years apart. Dh just wanted them all born before he turned 36. Why 36? 36 + 25 = 61, or getting fairly close to retirement age. 25 years of "rearing" them through college. Remember he was 26 at the time. That gave us 9 years. 3 kids 4 years apart each takes 8 years. Not so much time left huh?

Our first, JM, was born when I was 22 and Dh was 28. 2 years later we discovered something called Secondary infertility. It's quite real, the pain is real, and oh yeah...it threw our entire plan off. Our second, came along 3 years and 10 months after JM was born - so I was 26 and Dh was 31. Boy that is an understatement of how much my life was changed with that entire experience. We'd have a 3rd, then we'd adopt was my original plan. More secondary infertility, failed treatments this time, and the frustration with all things medical and infertility were at an all time high for me. January 2005, watching a baby dedication at church, I realized that it wasn't another baby I wanted. I wanted a daughter. Dh came to the exact same realization that Sunday as well.

We knew we had a greater than average chance of having a 3rd boy (look at our clones in the header). ;) Boys are great, but I did want a daughter. Dh asked me about adoption programs. Could we specify gender doing a domestic adoption? Did we need to go international? After the pain of infertility, which program was the most stable (let me pause and laugh for a minute here)...and which program can we get a baby. I was 28. We started looking into different programs, but my heart from childhood was always with China.

I found out I had to be 30 with China. But none of the other programs I ever looked at felt right. It seems so downplayed to say "felt" when it was such a strong pull in my heart to China. In February 2005, Dh and I had a "family meeting" with each other and we decided on China. He just suddenly came around to it one day. I had sent him the links to different agency programs, links to different costs, and pros/cons to each that I could find. Remember I'm that "list maker" personality. He's an "enginerd."

February 2005 on I started researching agencies. I read blogs. I looked over lists of recommended. But I kept coming back to America World. Why? I don't know. I felt "pulled" to them. I'm ashamed to say that I never once called any of their references. I would read blogs of their clients, but never talked to them personally. November 2005, I was finally at least 29.5 and able to start the process and we chose America World and China.

Why? Because we wanted a daughter and knew it was unlikely we'd have our own. Since we'd always planned to adopt as a way to add to our family, it just became child #3 instead of child #4. Why China? Quite honestly, because that is where we felt led to go, where we felt our daughter was. It seems a little "lame" and overused, but it's truthful. We did feel like their program was the most stable (insert laughter here), and it did not hurt that we have always admired the culture. We have loved studying about ancient China, been in awe of the Great Wall, and it just all seemed to fall into place and click in our minds when thinking of our future daughter.

Will we have a child #4? I don't know. I won't rule it out, but if we do, I will tell you it will most likely come through adoption.