It's been 14 months, no 15 months since we held Katie for the first time. We are quickly approaching the time when she has lived in America for longer than she lived in China (and yes that makes me a little sad to think about).
But, honestly, there is something that still haunts me. I can hear it, very plainly in my mind 15 months later. It was something Katie would say over and over and over. Especially when we tried introducing her to me as "Momma" and perhaps the way we said it...I don't know.
She cried for so much of our trip to China, so much of it involved me. It involved ME being called "Momma" to her. It involved her just crying when I looked at her. If that was all that happened, I would understand and probably NOT be so haunted now. But she would say something, a phrase, over and over and over. It sounded a lot like "My Mom" to me.
Tonight, I was reading a blog about a little girl who is recovering from heart surgery, and her parents mentioned she said, "Ma" to things she didn't want. In Cantonese it means no.
That lightbulb went off. Katie lived in Southern China, and quite possibly did not speak Mandarin. I KNEW this before we went, but I didn't think about it until TONIGHT. Ya'll...that's 15 months with us that I didn't make the connection that while I knew she probably only spoke Cantonese, that the baby words she spoke that our friends who spoke MANDARIN couldn't understand...well, duh, she was speaking Cantonese. Or most likely, she probably spoke a dialect of Cantonese, or at least understood it. Most likely though, at 16 months she was speaking some (and given the rate of language acquisition I would suspect she was talking quite a bit). Ya'll...I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK IT UP. I knew, instinctively, it had to do with her Foster Mom. It sounded too much like Momma. I just thought, "Hey that must be what she called her."
Jyutpin------------------------------pinyin-----------meaning
maa1*4 maa1------------------------ma1 ma5----------mother, mom
maa1 mai1 mi4 / mai1 mi1------------------------------mummy, mommy
maa1*4 maa1*2 dei6*2------------------------- not bad, not so good, so so, okay, etc
I have NO idea what those would sound like with those tones
In Cantonese, the "not" seems to be the letter m in front of the "word" which serves to negate it. What does that m sound like?
She could have been calling for her Mom or Mommy...or she could have been saying "Not Mom". Whichever it was, I knew it was not me she wanted. The grief she displayed was overwhelming to me. She babbled here and there, especially with Dh...and I wish I had been able to get that on video (she would stop as soon as she saw the video camera). But, my mind has perfectly recorded that wail with "My Mom" and it haunts me still.
I can hear her crying, sobbing, "My mom" over and over in my mind. I can picture the hotel room in Kunming, with Dh holding her while she cried. I tried to hold her and it caused her to scream in this terror filled voice that needed no translation. When I close my eyes while remembering this...I can smell that scent...that precious scent that was hers while we were in China.
And then my heart breaks again for all that she has lost. All that her Foster Mom lost. All that her Mom in China has lost.
It still haunts me. I think it always will.
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Although I don't remember her saying that phrase I do remember you telling me about it. I remember her "showing off" the first couple of hours and then everything changed. I remember her cries, the blank look, and her refusing to go to you. I remember the hurt you felt everytime she rejected you BUT you understood why.
When I go back and look at video and pictures so much makes me sad for our girls. They lost so much.
Katie has come so far! I can't wait to see you all again! :)
It is so hard to think of all that our little girls went through and how bravely they weathered it all. It is heartbreaking to think of, isn't it. Take care.
Janet
Carla ~ That transition time is one of the toughest things I think we ALL will go through. It's difficult for everyone, most especially the child. The Tongginator didn't cry until we got home (except for a few sensory-related moments in China), but the sobbing for her Abu made my heart-break. And everyone kept telling me she was shouting "no!," but I knew it was a name. Turns out it's a Hakka word... meaning "dearest auntie."
Oh your post bring back such memories. My first daughter would scream "Momma" for hours each day and I know she wasn't calling for me. I kept trying to have the guide tell her I was "Mommy" and not "Momma" because I knew she loved her foster mom so much and it seemed cruel that the name for the one she loved for all two years of her life now belonged to me. Her terror, pacing the hotel floors, her heart breaking ~ they haunts me too. Hugs to you.
That must have been hard to see. :( ... Poor little sweetie!
Such sadness.
I am thankful that Luci had no words to cry at me with...she just babbled (9 months), and we didn't have the foster-mom situation to have as memories.
Thanks for writing this... this is something I am going to have to remember... to think that our turn is just around the corner... ho hum...
Oh Carla you poor sweet thing, dont let it haunt you, God has completely changed her, she is happy and she loves you. It hurts me so bad to know that you are being so hard on yourself for not knowing. None of us would have known. God bless you.
Love, Kristy
The "mh" in front of a word DOES negate it, and sounds exactly like you would think. "hoi sam" is happy, mh hoi sam is not happy. (Ma, btw, doesn't mean "no". None is "mouh", pronounced "moe")
Both of my girls are from southern China and spoke Cantonese. They called their foster mother 'Ma Ma'. I remember the grief vividly as well. Are you in contact with the foster family? Being able to update them and converse might lessen how haunted you feel.
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