More hard memories from China

I am starting to process a little more about the China trip, and how I dealt with Katie's grieving. I have to say I didn't handle myself too well. I remember reading a fellow travel mates blog last fall when I found it again, and I ventured back to our travel days and read about her trip. One entry she said, "There is a little girl who screams when her Mommy holds her." Then she mentions that she's so thankful her son will let her hug him and hold him.

Reading that brought back some memories. Thinking about Katie crying for her Foster Mom, and thinking about it today as I cleaned the house opened up the floodgates on my emotions in Kunming. It was hard. I was in a very dark place and Cheri did something that made things so much better, actually they did more than one thing. I am forever grateful to them for that, and it is one reason why I would hesitate to travel alone in the future.

Prior to the trip I would dream about Katie. I would dream about her personality, dream about things we could do together, and I would fantasize about what our time in China would be like. I read and tried to prepare. I knew that there was a chance she would reject me. I KNEW that, but experiencing it was totally different. I didn't expect the level of rejection she threw my way, and it was so incredibly hard.

See, ever since I was a little girl I would think about the time in my life when I would have a daughter. When I was really little it focused on dreaming about dressing her up and doing her hair, when I was older I would think about and dream about the activities we could do together like shopping for her prom dress. After I had JM I started dreaming about playing dolls with her, and having tea parties with her...and then when I had Samuel I started dreaming about princess parties, and pink, and painting toenails, and yes buying her PINK sport equipment. Now, from having the boys, I knew that my dreams were just that. DREAMS. FANTASIES. Once we got Katie's referral, my dreams took on an excitement...an excitement of getting to know this child, discovering her personality, and I fell in love with her before we even saw her face.

5 months I stared at her photos. I dreamed about how our first days would go. I thought about every scenario. I tried to prepare myself for her grief and her rejection of me. I tried. I longed for the day I could hold her in my arms, and give her hugs. My arms ached with the longing to hold her and comfort her. I wanted to rock her and soothe her to sleep. I dreamed about taking her photos in China...of capturing beautiful photos of her IN KUNMING.

December 10th - she started out much like the Katie we know today with some crying...she played, she smiled, she performed. Then, she realized she was NOT going back to the people she knew. She turned to Dh for comfort and cried when I got near her. She'd calm down in my arms if I fed her. But when we left and got in the van, she ONLY wanted Dh. But she'd still look at me, and she even smiled at me in that van ride. By that night she was shut down.

The next day she started rejecting me. Not just whining or crying when I held her, but when I looked at her. Wednesday the 12th it had been over a full day from when she had smiled at me, over a full day since she had looked at me. With Dh she was fine by this point, not eating or drinking for him, but not crying when he was near. She'd play with him, babble when he was around, look at him and ask for her foster mom. Me? If she caught me LOOKING at her, she'd cry again. If Dh left her sight she'd scream.

I remember walking the hallway with her, with the cries echoing up and down the hall. I remember showing her the outside through the window in an effort to distract her while Dh grabbed a shower. He'd come out, she'd practically leap into his arms, and then she'd stop crying. If she stopped crying in my arms, she'd fallen asleep...a fitful sleep at that.

The dreams of her came crashing down. I doubted if I would ever have a close relationship with her or not. It hurt to have her reject me. It hurt to see her play with Dh. It hurt to see the other families in our group with their kids going to their Moms, and the Moms getting to hold them and cuddle them and comfort them. I could not comfort Katie at all. My arms made her scared. My arms terrified her. My arms...made her cry that terrible grieving cry. I started getting jealous of Dh. I started resenting the fact that he was caring for her, and Katie liked him better. Yet, at the same time I was glad Katie at least felt comfortable with him.

On Wednesday I forced the issue, I held her in the Ergo carrier. I carried her around the place I wanted so badly to photograph myself (the Stone Forest). My travel mates were so great in listening to her cry for so long in the van while I held her and she cried for me to give her to Dh. I cradled her while she cried herself to sleep. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, or was I making it worse? But my arms...oh they hurt from not holding her. My heart was breaking under the weight of my sadness that I could not comfort my little girl...this daughter I had longed for...dreamed about.

That night she started getting sick. I worried that I had made her sick from allowing her cry for so long, because I was selfish in wanting to hold her and try to start that bonding and attachment process with her. My need to hold her, quickly was out-trumped by her need for medical care which she accepted from Dh instead of me. He could get her to take the medicine dropper of water. He could get her to take her cough medicine. Me? I was useless. If I looked at her, she'd cry and scream then cause herself to vomit. I was really causing her more harm than good at this point. I could pull out clothes for Dh to dress her in (if I even thought about touching her she'd scream). All care for her fell to Dh. He couldn't even get to the shower easily (he managed to squeeze it in while she was sleeping with me terrified she'd wake up and only see me).

The next morning I went down to the lobby to meet the rest of the group early. I was superfluous in the hotel room. I was causing more harm to Katie than good and Dh was irritated because if she saw me she'd cry and vomit then he'd have to start all over. I went down to the giant lobby, sat down near the huge Christmas tree in a chair and tried not to cry. I watched people come in and out. I watched the time crawl slowly toward the time we were to head out on that day's adventures. I was feeling so small and insignificant. I was wondering why I even wanted to come on this trip when clearly Dh could have come alone.

Cheri came down with Lia and her Dh, saw me...and asked where Dh and Katie were. I answered that they were still in the room but would be down soon. Something must have tipped her off, but she realized that something wasn't quite right. She asked if I was okay. I told her that yeah...I was. She didn't believe me and pressed further, I told her that Katie was rejecting me and that it was just really hard. But I understood WHY and I knew it would be okay. It was just really really hard.

She gave me a hug.

Oh my gosh...that HUG. A single hug, a simple human contact with a look in their eyes that says that they are truly sorry I'm hurting...and, well, I cried. Just a little, enough that I didn't want to alert the others that I was seriously hurting inside because I didn't want to have to answer their questions or see their pity because I knew if saw any pity I would start sobbing. I continued to sit there and think and wonder.

I started thinking about how I was wishing that Dh would decide to stay in the hotel room with Katie and I could go on the day's adventure. I could have a break from the crying, the grief....and then I heard my thoughts. I was, in effect, pushing Katie away. I was trying to withdraw MY love and MY presence from this tiny little 16 month old who was confused, all because she didn't want me around because she was SCARED. Here I had been instrumental in changing up her entire world, in ways that were NOT good in her way of thinking, and I was expecting her to accept and LOVE me? It was ME that needed to change, to become the MOTHER she needed.

Dh came down with Katie, and she was just not looking like she felt all that well. He looked tired and overwhelmed, and I realized that he had NOT had a break. He was having to worry about Katie and about me with my hurt feelings. It was not fair to him. I'm an adult, and I could deal with the rejection. HE needed me to support him in caring for OUR daughter in the way SHE needed.

We ended up not going on the outing, and we asked the guide to help us get her seen by the doctors. We went up to the hotel room to wait, and I stayed out of sight as best as possible. I got Dh the things he needed, and I thought a great deal about how I could help Katie through this. I still hurt. I still cried whenever I thought about how difficult things were, and I started thinking about how it would be okay if Katie never wanted to do things with me...that eventually she would stop crying in my presence. I tried to make myself believe it would be okay if I could never hold her again. (I was a little emotional too obviously)

The guide took us to the orphanage to get her seen by their doctors, and we were scolded for not dressing her warmly enough. She started out in Dh's arms, but she wanted ME to hold her over the doctor holding her! The orphanage got her something to drink, then made us wait to see if she kept it down. I was able to feed her that bottle, and my heart turned over and I had a glimpse that it might all be okay. Katie let me look at her, hold her, etc. while we were with the doctors.

When we got to the taxi to head back to the hotel, she refused to look at me. She stayed in Dh's arms and started crying if I touched her (I stopped touching her). I didn't hold her the rest of the afternoon. I didn't get to look into her eyes (but I watched her sleep). Then, Cheri knocked on the door and asked if we wanted to go out with them to get dinner. Dh told me that he felt we should keep Katie indoors, and I agreed. Cheri asked if they could bring us back dinner, and I was going to order when Dh told me that I could go with them and at least one of us could have a break from the hotel room!

I spent that evening walking the streets of Kunming to get dinner with Cheri and her family. I got to smile at Lia and see her interact with her family. Cheri admitted to me that things were not that great for them with Lia that she was grieving as well and wanted her Daddy more than she wanted Cheri. It helped so much to hear I wasn't totally alone in that. Cheri suggested I ask online if anyone had any ideas to help Katie start the bonding process with me. They distracted me with the walking down the streets, and Cheri gave me another hug. Then, they came over INTO OUR ROOM with our sick daughter and spent time with us. Katie and Lia stared at each other with their daddies close by and played a little...while I sat across the room and for the first time got to see Katie play.

From that point on Katie stopped crying when she saw me looking at her. If I touched her, she still cried. If she was laughing, she sobered up if she saw me watching her. But my watching her and looking at her while in the hotel room stopped resulting in cries.

I took any progress we could make at that point.

On the flight to Guangzhou Katie sat in Dh's lap, and I did not touch her or try to interact with her unless she started it (which she did not). I helped Dh care for her, I got him things he needed...but Katie's care was solely his responsibility. Once in Guangzhou she allowed me to touch her if I were putting her blanket back around her. I could change her diaper as well. I was making very very very very slow progress.

Katie was laughing and interacting with everyone else in our group, even the women. I clearly remember sitting on the bus making a realization. It was that Katie was more than grieving, she was rejecting ME as her Mother because in her eyes she had a mother. She was fighting the idea of me. It helped to know this, it really did. Katie knew that I was supposed to be someone special in her life, and she did NOT want anything to do with me.

Cheri once again came to my rescue, and agreed to do a massage with me. I know it was not the best thing for her to go off and do as Lia's grieving was still going strong and Lia needed both parents there. But she came, and made me feel like it was something SHE needed as well (still wonder about that). But oh I needed that time, that time away from the stress and worries about Katie and how she was not attaching to me. Cheri would listen and give hugs. She'd laugh with me, talk with me, and encourage me. Cheri and I bonded over that massage experience!

By the end of the trip I could carry Katie in the Ergo in Guangzhou with her at most whining, but I had to be moving and walking around. Dh was in serious need of a break. I remember walking the halls singing to Katie with her doing the whine she would do before falling asleep, trying to block me out. I did my best to comfort her and start laying the foundations for her to trust me.

Let's just say it was a LOOONG flight home where she only wanted to be held by Dh and did a little regression in how she looked at me. I didn't feel so good either (major sinus issues and breathing issues). We were all tired.

Once home it was a whirlwind through Christmas, and while it hurt to see Katie allow the grandfathers to hold her...and I was sad to see her cry around the Aunts and grandmothers, it helped that she didn't want them as much either. Now, when she finally did allow her grandmothers and aunts to PLAY with her, when she had not allowed that with me...well that was really hard and I called Cheri who listened to me. Cheri comforted me. She encouraged me. She reminded me to go back to the China Adopt forums and RE-READ the posts to me where I asked for advice. She reminded me that Katie knows I'm "special" and that I'm her Mom. She was still fighting that.

1 week after we got home...Katie finally started allowing me to MOTHER her. It took her 3 weeks to accept that I was going to mother her. I was by no means her MOM yet though. I could care for her needs, and I could hold her without crying. She would even play with me a little. But it was more of a babysitter relationship kind of thing.

Did I mention we made VERY VERY VERY VERY slow progress with her? To this day Katie breaks through each "barrier" in the attachment process about 2-3 weeks faster with Dh than with me. He got her first hug. He got her first kiss. She cuddled and snuggled in with him first. She still wants Dh if she is unsure of a situation, I'm okay in those situations but Daddy makes her feel secure. I'm okay with this because I truly want Katie to do what makes Katie feel best, and I understand it better now. I am also very thankful that Katie had known love, and knew how to attach to someone. We are reaping the rewards of that now. But it has been a LONG slow arduous process. Totally and completely worth it, and yes, if we could at this point I would do it all over again.

Not sure how long this will stay up....but I know if I had read something like this while we were in China, it would have helped so much.