Those who know me only through the internet are often a little surprised to find out how religious I am. I don't proclaim it loudly. I don't tend to even leave comments with references to my beliefs.
I wish I could say I'm not that way in person, but if you walk into my home you will not see scripture all over the walls. Nor will you hear me talk about scripture, or spout off religious homilies.
But honestly, I've felt guilt for not witnessing loudly and vocally and in all ways. I remember trying to force it in college, and I decorated my dorm room with posters and such that reflected my beliefs. While I liked them, I always felt uncomfortable asking my friends in my room. I could not figure it out until a meeting with the BSU director over something. It is strange that I can not remember what it was about now, but I remember the gist of the conversation. It was one of those lightbulb moments for me.
The reason I always felt uncomfortable with having friends come into my dorm room, is that my friends were, for the most part, NOT big on the whole Christianity thing. In fact, many were non-Christian.
Okay, so, in talking with this leader that I respected, I felt like I should be a more vocal witness to them. His response to me was that if I felt like I should be doing more, then I should. But I responded to him that I felt like I was pushing it, and pushing them away. That something was trying to get me to hold back, and I thought it was my own natural shyness regarding that. My own "uncomfortableness" if you will. He told me that perhaps these friends did not need to be vocally witnessed to, that perhaps they needed to SEE the actions lived out in a life more. That words on a wall (or a blog), spoken words said by rote, not followed up by actions can do more harm than good. Many times non-Christians are turned off by the very things that Christians thrive on.
I choose not to put scriptures on my walls at home or here on the blog. Not because those things are not important to me, but because I don't want to cause visitors who might not feel the same way to feel uncomfortable. I would rather my actions and thoughts on this blog show them I am a Christian. It is a "habit" born from my college years, I want them to feel comfortable HERE. If I want to "witness" to them, to show them the love that Jesus shows me, then I must not make them so uncomfortable that I run them off. If my home is full of things that would run them off, then perhaps I'm not witnessing to them...but rather to other people who believe as I do. That is not my goal.
My promise to them is that this is one of the few posts on this subject.
If you do like having scripture, and talk about religious subjects on your blog...that's NOT wrong. It's just not how I do things. I'm not less of a Christian because of it though. It's taken me a long time to realize that fact.
However, there are times when I feel strongly that I should discuss things. Thus, the birth of the Thoughtful Tuesday posts, and sometimes those WILL have to include religious references.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Lots of hard thinking going on
which is a wonder I've not strained anything in my brain with all that extra "work"
But, yes, I've been thinking very hard about a few things lately. I've even emailed friends those thoughts. I've called friends up (repeatedly in some cases) with those thoughts. In the responses I have gotten, I have come to the conclusion that I just need to post them. Some deal with adoption. Some deal with general LIFE. Some...well...probably only make sense to me. But I hope, through the exercise of typing them out I will solidify my own thoughts, and perhaps I can inspire some of you to think a little deeper about some subjects.
But gosh, I'm not touching politics with a 10 foot pole. Just want to make that CLEAR.
Religious topics will not be the main focus except in a few cases right here at the beginning (one is WHY I don't have a ton of religious references on my blog and the 2nd is something I've been thinking about and dealing with for a few months).
I'm sure I will ruffle some feathers. I'm sure I will make some upset with me for my viewpoints. But you know, this is MY blog. MY opinions are MY opinions. MY thoughts are MY thoughts. I've come to recognize in myself that things that bother me, things that upset me that others say just might have some truth to them. When I have thought about WHY I am upset, angry, uncomfortable with something someone said...well...it's been hard. But typically I've found myself growing as a person, stretching myself, and changing. Perhaps if you find yourself in that position, thinking about why might bring about your own responses. Remember though, it is not my intention to OFFEND anyone, nor am I setting out to cast blame.
Just trying to get the thoughts that I've been pestering friends with OVER and OVER and OVER out there so I can solidify WHY I think what I am thinking.
So...just a warning that I'm going to be posting some "Tough Thoughts" soon.
and yes...one is going to be a thought brought about my now 6 year old's question, "Why do we call the color blue...BLUE?"
Now aren't you GLAD you weren't on the receiving end of that phone call to a friend?
But, yes, I've been thinking very hard about a few things lately. I've even emailed friends those thoughts. I've called friends up (repeatedly in some cases) with those thoughts. In the responses I have gotten, I have come to the conclusion that I just need to post them. Some deal with adoption. Some deal with general LIFE. Some...well...probably only make sense to me. But I hope, through the exercise of typing them out I will solidify my own thoughts, and perhaps I can inspire some of you to think a little deeper about some subjects.
But gosh, I'm not touching politics with a 10 foot pole. Just want to make that CLEAR.
Religious topics will not be the main focus except in a few cases right here at the beginning (one is WHY I don't have a ton of religious references on my blog and the 2nd is something I've been thinking about and dealing with for a few months).
I'm sure I will ruffle some feathers. I'm sure I will make some upset with me for my viewpoints. But you know, this is MY blog. MY opinions are MY opinions. MY thoughts are MY thoughts. I've come to recognize in myself that things that bother me, things that upset me that others say just might have some truth to them. When I have thought about WHY I am upset, angry, uncomfortable with something someone said...well...it's been hard. But typically I've found myself growing as a person, stretching myself, and changing. Perhaps if you find yourself in that position, thinking about why might bring about your own responses. Remember though, it is not my intention to OFFEND anyone, nor am I setting out to cast blame.
Just trying to get the thoughts that I've been pestering friends with OVER and OVER and OVER out there so I can solidify WHY I think what I am thinking.
So...just a warning that I'm going to be posting some "Tough Thoughts" soon.
and yes...one is going to be a thought brought about my now 6 year old's question, "Why do we call the color blue...BLUE?"
Now aren't you GLAD you weren't on the receiving end of that phone call to a friend?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Finding the Light
That sounds...ermm...interesting huh?
Do you know WHERE to find great light for photos? Particularly those photos that will take on a more portrait look? Hint...BIG WINDOWS. Well, specifically NORTH facing windows, or at the very least windows that do NOT have sunlight streaming in creating hot spots. But what about other spots? You know, for when you are just tired of window lighting?
Your front door is a wonderful place. Huh? Have I lost my mind? Nope. Close all the blinds/window coverings in your home near the front door. Turn off all lights. Open the front door and put your little "darling" in the open door facing you (helps if they are angled at a 45 degree angle with the face turned toward you). You are, of course, OUTSIDE the house. Beautiful light with DARK background (well that's the idea anyway).
What? You don't have a "darling"...well, you do. My "darling" is a teddy bear. ;) It's what I used to learn lighting and positioning. He is still used when I shoot test shots, or even when I play around. I don't wear my "bribery shots" out on test shots. Nope. I wait until I have it all ready before I sit down my children in front of the camera. ;)
Another good location? Your garage.
Stick with me here...and yes, it means the garage needs to be somewhat cleaned out. Won't your husband be thrilled that you want to clean out the garage?! With the garage door open it allows LOTS of natural light to flood into the area and creates a wonderful soft light. Well, sort of as you might also need a reflector to bounce light back into the shadow side of the face. But I know for a fact that you will have some wonderful catchlights AND fairly fast shutter speeds with shooting in your garage. Just remember to at least put up a well ironed solid color sheet on the wall over the tools first.
Your front porch is a great place too if you have room. One house I was in had a GREAT front porch area. The 2nd...not so much. At least it didn't have a good pretty background area. My current house? In the morning I have some good light there, and will venture out soon to show it off.
So...in these first lovely spring days...venture forth and explore your home with your own "darling" and FIND THE LIGHT!
But I know some of you are saying, but what about when I'm at the PARK? How do I find the light there? I'll get to that. It's similar, but requires a little more awareness of where the sun is located. Now...with all locations, you might need a reflector! But that, my dear internets, is a lesson for another day as it requires some fun before and after shots.
Do you know WHERE to find great light for photos? Particularly those photos that will take on a more portrait look? Hint...BIG WINDOWS. Well, specifically NORTH facing windows, or at the very least windows that do NOT have sunlight streaming in creating hot spots. But what about other spots? You know, for when you are just tired of window lighting?
Your front door is a wonderful place. Huh? Have I lost my mind? Nope. Close all the blinds/window coverings in your home near the front door. Turn off all lights. Open the front door and put your little "darling" in the open door facing you (helps if they are angled at a 45 degree angle with the face turned toward you). You are, of course, OUTSIDE the house. Beautiful light with DARK background (well that's the idea anyway).
What? You don't have a "darling"...well, you do. My "darling" is a teddy bear. ;) It's what I used to learn lighting and positioning. He is still used when I shoot test shots, or even when I play around. I don't wear my "bribery shots" out on test shots. Nope. I wait until I have it all ready before I sit down my children in front of the camera. ;)
Another good location? Your garage.
Stick with me here...and yes, it means the garage needs to be somewhat cleaned out. Won't your husband be thrilled that you want to clean out the garage?! With the garage door open it allows LOTS of natural light to flood into the area and creates a wonderful soft light. Well, sort of as you might also need a reflector to bounce light back into the shadow side of the face. But I know for a fact that you will have some wonderful catchlights AND fairly fast shutter speeds with shooting in your garage. Just remember to at least put up a well ironed solid color sheet on the wall over the tools first.
Your front porch is a great place too if you have room. One house I was in had a GREAT front porch area. The 2nd...not so much. At least it didn't have a good pretty background area. My current house? In the morning I have some good light there, and will venture out soon to show it off.
So...in these first lovely spring days...venture forth and explore your home with your own "darling" and FIND THE LIGHT!
But I know some of you are saying, but what about when I'm at the PARK? How do I find the light there? I'll get to that. It's similar, but requires a little more awareness of where the sun is located. Now...with all locations, you might need a reflector! But that, my dear internets, is a lesson for another day as it requires some fun before and after shots.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Definitely showing us more her personality....
She's spunky. She's sassy. She may be the smallest in our childcare class for the testing the older classes are doing (she was in the class of 0-4 and the youngest we had was 2). She was the smallest of 11, but she had them following HER orders.
Ummm...yeah. I'm trying my best to nip that one in the bud real quick. I doubt it will be so cute to other adults when she's bigger.
BTW, she IS growing...finally. She's roughly 33.5 inches tall, wearing a size 5 or 5.5 shoe, and weighs in around 23.5 pounds! I believe that puts her around the 5th percentile for height! She's still below on the weight, but not as far. In fact, she's almost to the 3rd percentile. ;)
Monday, March 23, 2009
What's in a name?
One really cute thing that has been discussed an nauseam in our home is the fact that MULTIPLE people can have the same name. This all started with a visit to my friend of the buttercup field. See, she has a daughter from China as well. Katie calls her "Wee-wee" which is sort of close if you know her actual name. So, one day I'm blog hopping and land on Mommy24Treasures page with her daughter Caitlyn (I think that's how she spells it). Katie jumps up and down with excitement and says, "Wee-wee!!!!" I gently break the news to her that it is NOT her friend but rather a little girl named Caitlyn. Katie juts out her chin, crosses her arms and says, "No. I Katie!" I explain that yes, she IS Katie but this little girl has the SAME name and that's really special. Katie insists that the little girl on that blog can NOT be her NAME because SHE owns Katie. She's rather emphatic about it too.
I was trying hard not to giggle, but it reminded me so much of a conversation I had with JM when he was really young. It was about favorite colors. It seems one day during swimming lessons the lifeguards were talking to the kids on the side of the pool waiting for their turn about favorite colors (these were all 3 and 4 year olds). Of the few kids on the side of the pool they all had different favorite colors. JM got in the van and told me that his favorite color was green (we went through a whole time period where he had to tell me this daily), that his friend B's favorite color was BLUE, and the lifeguard's favorite color was RED. He asked me what my favorite color was, and I told him that it was PURPLE. All was "well" in his ordered little world until Daddy came home and he asked Daddy what his favorite color was. Daddy replied, "It's RED." JM told him that it could not be RED because that was the lifeguard's favorite color. I believe that conversation lasted for a good 30 minutes, with JM never budging on his stance that multiple people could have the same favorite color.
Need I say that Katie claiming HER name as her own lasted a good 30 minutes? After feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall, I chose to do what we did with JM and the favorite colors....I changed the subject and hoped that the next time we discussed the whole "name" thing that Katie will have matured to the point of understanding that multiple people can have the same name.
I was trying hard not to giggle, but it reminded me so much of a conversation I had with JM when he was really young. It was about favorite colors. It seems one day during swimming lessons the lifeguards were talking to the kids on the side of the pool waiting for their turn about favorite colors (these were all 3 and 4 year olds). Of the few kids on the side of the pool they all had different favorite colors. JM got in the van and told me that his favorite color was green (we went through a whole time period where he had to tell me this daily), that his friend B's favorite color was BLUE, and the lifeguard's favorite color was RED. He asked me what my favorite color was, and I told him that it was PURPLE. All was "well" in his ordered little world until Daddy came home and he asked Daddy what his favorite color was. Daddy replied, "It's RED." JM told him that it could not be RED because that was the lifeguard's favorite color. I believe that conversation lasted for a good 30 minutes, with JM never budging on his stance that multiple people could have the same favorite color.
Need I say that Katie claiming HER name as her own lasted a good 30 minutes? After feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall, I chose to do what we did with JM and the favorite colors....I changed the subject and hoped that the next time we discussed the whole "name" thing that Katie will have matured to the point of understanding that multiple people can have the same name.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Photography - Composition
I recently taught some photography classes, and having to talk about composition to them really helped me to solidify what I wanted to talk about here on this blog for that portion.
The Rule of Thirds - VERY important!
On your image/viewfinder think of cutting the image into thirds - left, center, right. Putting your subject to the left third or the right third is the strongest composition. If you take those thirds, then think of top, center, and bottom thirds as well...then where those sets of lines cross you have 4 points. Those points are the strongest "points of interest" in your photograph. Having the action on one of those points makes it more "interesting" to look at.
Landscapes should always have 2/3 land and 1/3 sky OR 1/3 land and 2/3 sky - NEVER go for half sky and half land. ;)
Cheesy smiles are not always the best! Eyes are the window to the soul, so play that up in photos featuring a child. Serious looks and big eyes create drama in photos as well. I love a serious wide-eyed child. When shooting for this, fill the frame FULL of the child’s face, or as close as your camera will allow you to get and still focus. I would suggest going to the farthest focal length of your camera to do this as well. If you are shooting with the 70-200 lens, go to the full 200 and fill the frame up. It will help keep you from having distorted images in the facial features.
Pay attention to the background! Busy backgrounds are distracting, and it's so easy to just pay attention to finding a "clean" background to shoot against. This means that toys, laundry, etc. should ideally be picked up in the room before you shoot photos in your living room. Or if you are outdoors, watch to make sure cars, people, etc. are not in the background. Watch for things “growing” out of heads like tree limbs, or telephone poles, or mailboxes, or....
Don’t always center things – off center, tilted, etc. make for some interesting images, and unique creative looks as well.
Angles of photographing
On the same level = real life look
Shot from above = innocents and pure looks
Show from below = strong, dominant looks
Objects, like trees, flags, flowers, etc. can become more interesting through the use of interesting, odd, and imaginative angles.
For me, this is actually a VERY hard topic to cover because it's so subjective. It's all artistic in nature, and not the technical. What I like might not be what you like. So, really, experiment and see what strikes you as something you like.
The Rule of Thirds - VERY important!
On your image/viewfinder think of cutting the image into thirds - left, center, right. Putting your subject to the left third or the right third is the strongest composition. If you take those thirds, then think of top, center, and bottom thirds as well...then where those sets of lines cross you have 4 points. Those points are the strongest "points of interest" in your photograph. Having the action on one of those points makes it more "interesting" to look at.
Landscapes should always have 2/3 land and 1/3 sky OR 1/3 land and 2/3 sky - NEVER go for half sky and half land. ;)
Cheesy smiles are not always the best! Eyes are the window to the soul, so play that up in photos featuring a child. Serious looks and big eyes create drama in photos as well. I love a serious wide-eyed child. When shooting for this, fill the frame FULL of the child’s face, or as close as your camera will allow you to get and still focus. I would suggest going to the farthest focal length of your camera to do this as well. If you are shooting with the 70-200 lens, go to the full 200 and fill the frame up. It will help keep you from having distorted images in the facial features.
Pay attention to the background! Busy backgrounds are distracting, and it's so easy to just pay attention to finding a "clean" background to shoot against. This means that toys, laundry, etc. should ideally be picked up in the room before you shoot photos in your living room. Or if you are outdoors, watch to make sure cars, people, etc. are not in the background. Watch for things “growing” out of heads like tree limbs, or telephone poles, or mailboxes, or....
Don’t always center things – off center, tilted, etc. make for some interesting images, and unique creative looks as well.
Angles of photographing
On the same level = real life look
Shot from above = innocents and pure looks
Show from below = strong, dominant looks
Objects, like trees, flags, flowers, etc. can become more interesting through the use of interesting, odd, and imaginative angles.
For me, this is actually a VERY hard topic to cover because it's so subjective. It's all artistic in nature, and not the technical. What I like might not be what you like. So, really, experiment and see what strikes you as something you like.
Photography - Answers to a few questions
Why do I not use the 5d to shoot photos of my own kids. It's really too much of a camera to do that with. I use it when I'm shooting with a thought toward portraits of them, but it's heavier than the 30d. Cameras also have a shutter lifespan on them, and I don't want to use any "unnecessary" clicks on snapshots of the kids. I think on the 5d it's 200,000 clicks, on the 20d it's 100,000 clicks. But mainly, unless I'm consciously trying to get a portrait shot, I am taking more snapshots...and as such, the camera is more likely to get "beat up" a little. ;) It's more at risk at least. So, I use the 30d or the 20d.
A fixed aperture lens will have other apertures listed on the lens body, but the "name" of it will only have one aperture listed after the f/, such as 50mm f/1.8 or 85mm f/1.8. The variable aperture lenses will say, in the "title" of the lens when you are purchasing them f/3.5-5.6.
I use a point and shoot camera for most of my "capturing our life on a daily basis" type shots. Most of what I capture in the house, around the house, etc. does not need the full range of photo ability the slr gives me. Plus, it's usually rather handy and easy to locate.
A fixed aperture lens will have other apertures listed on the lens body, but the "name" of it will only have one aperture listed after the f/, such as 50mm f/1.8 or 85mm f/1.8. The variable aperture lenses will say, in the "title" of the lens when you are purchasing them f/3.5-5.6.
I use a point and shoot camera for most of my "capturing our life on a daily basis" type shots. Most of what I capture in the house, around the house, etc. does not need the full range of photo ability the slr gives me. Plus, it's usually rather handy and easy to locate.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
More hard memories from China
I am starting to process a little more about the China trip, and how I dealt with Katie's grieving. I have to say I didn't handle myself too well. I remember reading a fellow travel mates blog last fall when I found it again, and I ventured back to our travel days and read about her trip. One entry she said, "There is a little girl who screams when her Mommy holds her." Then she mentions that she's so thankful her son will let her hug him and hold him.
Reading that brought back some memories. Thinking about Katie crying for her Foster Mom, and thinking about it today as I cleaned the house opened up the floodgates on my emotions in Kunming. It was hard. I was in a very dark place and Cheri did something that made things so much better, actually they did more than one thing. I am forever grateful to them for that, and it is one reason why I would hesitate to travel alone in the future.
Prior to the trip I would dream about Katie. I would dream about her personality, dream about things we could do together, and I would fantasize about what our time in China would be like. I read and tried to prepare. I knew that there was a chance she would reject me. I KNEW that, but experiencing it was totally different. I didn't expect the level of rejection she threw my way, and it was so incredibly hard.
See, ever since I was a little girl I would think about the time in my life when I would have a daughter. When I was really little it focused on dreaming about dressing her up and doing her hair, when I was older I would think about and dream about the activities we could do together like shopping for her prom dress. After I had JM I started dreaming about playing dolls with her, and having tea parties with her...and then when I had Samuel I started dreaming about princess parties, and pink, and painting toenails, and yes buying her PINK sport equipment. Now, from having the boys, I knew that my dreams were just that. DREAMS. FANTASIES. Once we got Katie's referral, my dreams took on an excitement...an excitement of getting to know this child, discovering her personality, and I fell in love with her before we even saw her face.
5 months I stared at her photos. I dreamed about how our first days would go. I thought about every scenario. I tried to prepare myself for her grief and her rejection of me. I tried. I longed for the day I could hold her in my arms, and give her hugs. My arms ached with the longing to hold her and comfort her. I wanted to rock her and soothe her to sleep. I dreamed about taking her photos in China...of capturing beautiful photos of her IN KUNMING.
December 10th - she started out much like the Katie we know today with some crying...she played, she smiled, she performed. Then, she realized she was NOT going back to the people she knew. She turned to Dh for comfort and cried when I got near her. She'd calm down in my arms if I fed her. But when we left and got in the van, she ONLY wanted Dh. But she'd still look at me, and she even smiled at me in that van ride. By that night she was shut down.
The next day she started rejecting me. Not just whining or crying when I held her, but when I looked at her. Wednesday the 12th it had been over a full day from when she had smiled at me, over a full day since she had looked at me. With Dh she was fine by this point, not eating or drinking for him, but not crying when he was near. She'd play with him, babble when he was around, look at him and ask for her foster mom. Me? If she caught me LOOKING at her, she'd cry again. If Dh left her sight she'd scream.
I remember walking the hallway with her, with the cries echoing up and down the hall. I remember showing her the outside through the window in an effort to distract her while Dh grabbed a shower. He'd come out, she'd practically leap into his arms, and then she'd stop crying. If she stopped crying in my arms, she'd fallen asleep...a fitful sleep at that.
The dreams of her came crashing down. I doubted if I would ever have a close relationship with her or not. It hurt to have her reject me. It hurt to see her play with Dh. It hurt to see the other families in our group with their kids going to their Moms, and the Moms getting to hold them and cuddle them and comfort them. I could not comfort Katie at all. My arms made her scared. My arms terrified her. My arms...made her cry that terrible grieving cry. I started getting jealous of Dh. I started resenting the fact that he was caring for her, and Katie liked him better. Yet, at the same time I was glad Katie at least felt comfortable with him.
On Wednesday I forced the issue, I held her in the Ergo carrier. I carried her around the place I wanted so badly to photograph myself (the Stone Forest). My travel mates were so great in listening to her cry for so long in the van while I held her and she cried for me to give her to Dh. I cradled her while she cried herself to sleep. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, or was I making it worse? But my arms...oh they hurt from not holding her. My heart was breaking under the weight of my sadness that I could not comfort my little girl...this daughter I had longed for...dreamed about.
That night she started getting sick. I worried that I had made her sick from allowing her cry for so long, because I was selfish in wanting to hold her and try to start that bonding and attachment process with her. My need to hold her, quickly was out-trumped by her need for medical care which she accepted from Dh instead of me. He could get her to take the medicine dropper of water. He could get her to take her cough medicine. Me? I was useless. If I looked at her, she'd cry and scream then cause herself to vomit. I was really causing her more harm than good at this point. I could pull out clothes for Dh to dress her in (if I even thought about touching her she'd scream). All care for her fell to Dh. He couldn't even get to the shower easily (he managed to squeeze it in while she was sleeping with me terrified she'd wake up and only see me).
The next morning I went down to the lobby to meet the rest of the group early. I was superfluous in the hotel room. I was causing more harm to Katie than good and Dh was irritated because if she saw me she'd cry and vomit then he'd have to start all over. I went down to the giant lobby, sat down near the huge Christmas tree in a chair and tried not to cry. I watched people come in and out. I watched the time crawl slowly toward the time we were to head out on that day's adventures. I was feeling so small and insignificant. I was wondering why I even wanted to come on this trip when clearly Dh could have come alone.
Cheri came down with Lia and her Dh, saw me...and asked where Dh and Katie were. I answered that they were still in the room but would be down soon. Something must have tipped her off, but she realized that something wasn't quite right. She asked if I was okay. I told her that yeah...I was. She didn't believe me and pressed further, I told her that Katie was rejecting me and that it was just really hard. But I understood WHY and I knew it would be okay. It was just really really hard.
She gave me a hug.
Oh my gosh...that HUG. A single hug, a simple human contact with a look in their eyes that says that they are truly sorry I'm hurting...and, well, I cried. Just a little, enough that I didn't want to alert the others that I was seriously hurting inside because I didn't want to have to answer their questions or see their pity because I knew if saw any pity I would start sobbing. I continued to sit there and think and wonder.
I started thinking about how I was wishing that Dh would decide to stay in the hotel room with Katie and I could go on the day's adventure. I could have a break from the crying, the grief....and then I heard my thoughts. I was, in effect, pushing Katie away. I was trying to withdraw MY love and MY presence from this tiny little 16 month old who was confused, all because she didn't want me around because she was SCARED. Here I had been instrumental in changing up her entire world, in ways that were NOT good in her way of thinking, and I was expecting her to accept and LOVE me? It was ME that needed to change, to become the MOTHER she needed.
Dh came down with Katie, and she was just not looking like she felt all that well. He looked tired and overwhelmed, and I realized that he had NOT had a break. He was having to worry about Katie and about me with my hurt feelings. It was not fair to him. I'm an adult, and I could deal with the rejection. HE needed me to support him in caring for OUR daughter in the way SHE needed.
We ended up not going on the outing, and we asked the guide to help us get her seen by the doctors. We went up to the hotel room to wait, and I stayed out of sight as best as possible. I got Dh the things he needed, and I thought a great deal about how I could help Katie through this. I still hurt. I still cried whenever I thought about how difficult things were, and I started thinking about how it would be okay if Katie never wanted to do things with me...that eventually she would stop crying in my presence. I tried to make myself believe it would be okay if I could never hold her again. (I was a little emotional too obviously)
The guide took us to the orphanage to get her seen by their doctors, and we were scolded for not dressing her warmly enough. She started out in Dh's arms, but she wanted ME to hold her over the doctor holding her! The orphanage got her something to drink, then made us wait to see if she kept it down. I was able to feed her that bottle, and my heart turned over and I had a glimpse that it might all be okay. Katie let me look at her, hold her, etc. while we were with the doctors.
When we got to the taxi to head back to the hotel, she refused to look at me. She stayed in Dh's arms and started crying if I touched her (I stopped touching her). I didn't hold her the rest of the afternoon. I didn't get to look into her eyes (but I watched her sleep). Then, Cheri knocked on the door and asked if we wanted to go out with them to get dinner. Dh told me that he felt we should keep Katie indoors, and I agreed. Cheri asked if they could bring us back dinner, and I was going to order when Dh told me that I could go with them and at least one of us could have a break from the hotel room!
I spent that evening walking the streets of Kunming to get dinner with Cheri and her family. I got to smile at Lia and see her interact with her family. Cheri admitted to me that things were not that great for them with Lia that she was grieving as well and wanted her Daddy more than she wanted Cheri. It helped so much to hear I wasn't totally alone in that. Cheri suggested I ask online if anyone had any ideas to help Katie start the bonding process with me. They distracted me with the walking down the streets, and Cheri gave me another hug. Then, they came over INTO OUR ROOM with our sick daughter and spent time with us. Katie and Lia stared at each other with their daddies close by and played a little...while I sat across the room and for the first time got to see Katie play.
From that point on Katie stopped crying when she saw me looking at her. If I touched her, she still cried. If she was laughing, she sobered up if she saw me watching her. But my watching her and looking at her while in the hotel room stopped resulting in cries.
I took any progress we could make at that point.
On the flight to Guangzhou Katie sat in Dh's lap, and I did not touch her or try to interact with her unless she started it (which she did not). I helped Dh care for her, I got him things he needed...but Katie's care was solely his responsibility. Once in Guangzhou she allowed me to touch her if I were putting her blanket back around her. I could change her diaper as well. I was making very very very very slow progress.
Katie was laughing and interacting with everyone else in our group, even the women. I clearly remember sitting on the bus making a realization. It was that Katie was more than grieving, she was rejecting ME as her Mother because in her eyes she had a mother. She was fighting the idea of me. It helped to know this, it really did. Katie knew that I was supposed to be someone special in her life, and she did NOT want anything to do with me.
Cheri once again came to my rescue, and agreed to do a massage with me. I know it was not the best thing for her to go off and do as Lia's grieving was still going strong and Lia needed both parents there. But she came, and made me feel like it was something SHE needed as well (still wonder about that). But oh I needed that time, that time away from the stress and worries about Katie and how she was not attaching to me. Cheri would listen and give hugs. She'd laugh with me, talk with me, and encourage me. Cheri and I bonded over that massage experience!
By the end of the trip I could carry Katie in the Ergo in Guangzhou with her at most whining, but I had to be moving and walking around. Dh was in serious need of a break. I remember walking the halls singing to Katie with her doing the whine she would do before falling asleep, trying to block me out. I did my best to comfort her and start laying the foundations for her to trust me.
Let's just say it was a LOOONG flight home where she only wanted to be held by Dh and did a little regression in how she looked at me. I didn't feel so good either (major sinus issues and breathing issues). We were all tired.
Once home it was a whirlwind through Christmas, and while it hurt to see Katie allow the grandfathers to hold her...and I was sad to see her cry around the Aunts and grandmothers, it helped that she didn't want them as much either. Now, when she finally did allow her grandmothers and aunts to PLAY with her, when she had not allowed that with me...well that was really hard and I called Cheri who listened to me. Cheri comforted me. She encouraged me. She reminded me to go back to the China Adopt forums and RE-READ the posts to me where I asked for advice. She reminded me that Katie knows I'm "special" and that I'm her Mom. She was still fighting that.
1 week after we got home...Katie finally started allowing me to MOTHER her. It took her 3 weeks to accept that I was going to mother her. I was by no means her MOM yet though. I could care for her needs, and I could hold her without crying. She would even play with me a little. But it was more of a babysitter relationship kind of thing.
Did I mention we made VERY VERY VERY VERY slow progress with her? To this day Katie breaks through each "barrier" in the attachment process about 2-3 weeks faster with Dh than with me. He got her first hug. He got her first kiss. She cuddled and snuggled in with him first. She still wants Dh if she is unsure of a situation, I'm okay in those situations but Daddy makes her feel secure. I'm okay with this because I truly want Katie to do what makes Katie feel best, and I understand it better now. I am also very thankful that Katie had known love, and knew how to attach to someone. We are reaping the rewards of that now. But it has been a LONG slow arduous process. Totally and completely worth it, and yes, if we could at this point I would do it all over again.
Not sure how long this will stay up....but I know if I had read something like this while we were in China, it would have helped so much.
Reading that brought back some memories. Thinking about Katie crying for her Foster Mom, and thinking about it today as I cleaned the house opened up the floodgates on my emotions in Kunming. It was hard. I was in a very dark place and Cheri did something that made things so much better, actually they did more than one thing. I am forever grateful to them for that, and it is one reason why I would hesitate to travel alone in the future.
Prior to the trip I would dream about Katie. I would dream about her personality, dream about things we could do together, and I would fantasize about what our time in China would be like. I read and tried to prepare. I knew that there was a chance she would reject me. I KNEW that, but experiencing it was totally different. I didn't expect the level of rejection she threw my way, and it was so incredibly hard.
See, ever since I was a little girl I would think about the time in my life when I would have a daughter. When I was really little it focused on dreaming about dressing her up and doing her hair, when I was older I would think about and dream about the activities we could do together like shopping for her prom dress. After I had JM I started dreaming about playing dolls with her, and having tea parties with her...and then when I had Samuel I started dreaming about princess parties, and pink, and painting toenails, and yes buying her PINK sport equipment. Now, from having the boys, I knew that my dreams were just that. DREAMS. FANTASIES. Once we got Katie's referral, my dreams took on an excitement...an excitement of getting to know this child, discovering her personality, and I fell in love with her before we even saw her face.
5 months I stared at her photos. I dreamed about how our first days would go. I thought about every scenario. I tried to prepare myself for her grief and her rejection of me. I tried. I longed for the day I could hold her in my arms, and give her hugs. My arms ached with the longing to hold her and comfort her. I wanted to rock her and soothe her to sleep. I dreamed about taking her photos in China...of capturing beautiful photos of her IN KUNMING.
December 10th - she started out much like the Katie we know today with some crying...she played, she smiled, she performed. Then, she realized she was NOT going back to the people she knew. She turned to Dh for comfort and cried when I got near her. She'd calm down in my arms if I fed her. But when we left and got in the van, she ONLY wanted Dh. But she'd still look at me, and she even smiled at me in that van ride. By that night she was shut down.
The next day she started rejecting me. Not just whining or crying when I held her, but when I looked at her. Wednesday the 12th it had been over a full day from when she had smiled at me, over a full day since she had looked at me. With Dh she was fine by this point, not eating or drinking for him, but not crying when he was near. She'd play with him, babble when he was around, look at him and ask for her foster mom. Me? If she caught me LOOKING at her, she'd cry again. If Dh left her sight she'd scream.
I remember walking the hallway with her, with the cries echoing up and down the hall. I remember showing her the outside through the window in an effort to distract her while Dh grabbed a shower. He'd come out, she'd practically leap into his arms, and then she'd stop crying. If she stopped crying in my arms, she'd fallen asleep...a fitful sleep at that.
The dreams of her came crashing down. I doubted if I would ever have a close relationship with her or not. It hurt to have her reject me. It hurt to see her play with Dh. It hurt to see the other families in our group with their kids going to their Moms, and the Moms getting to hold them and cuddle them and comfort them. I could not comfort Katie at all. My arms made her scared. My arms terrified her. My arms...made her cry that terrible grieving cry. I started getting jealous of Dh. I started resenting the fact that he was caring for her, and Katie liked him better. Yet, at the same time I was glad Katie at least felt comfortable with him.
On Wednesday I forced the issue, I held her in the Ergo carrier. I carried her around the place I wanted so badly to photograph myself (the Stone Forest). My travel mates were so great in listening to her cry for so long in the van while I held her and she cried for me to give her to Dh. I cradled her while she cried herself to sleep. I wondered if I was doing the right thing, or was I making it worse? But my arms...oh they hurt from not holding her. My heart was breaking under the weight of my sadness that I could not comfort my little girl...this daughter I had longed for...dreamed about.
That night she started getting sick. I worried that I had made her sick from allowing her cry for so long, because I was selfish in wanting to hold her and try to start that bonding and attachment process with her. My need to hold her, quickly was out-trumped by her need for medical care which she accepted from Dh instead of me. He could get her to take the medicine dropper of water. He could get her to take her cough medicine. Me? I was useless. If I looked at her, she'd cry and scream then cause herself to vomit. I was really causing her more harm than good at this point. I could pull out clothes for Dh to dress her in (if I even thought about touching her she'd scream). All care for her fell to Dh. He couldn't even get to the shower easily (he managed to squeeze it in while she was sleeping with me terrified she'd wake up and only see me).
The next morning I went down to the lobby to meet the rest of the group early. I was superfluous in the hotel room. I was causing more harm to Katie than good and Dh was irritated because if she saw me she'd cry and vomit then he'd have to start all over. I went down to the giant lobby, sat down near the huge Christmas tree in a chair and tried not to cry. I watched people come in and out. I watched the time crawl slowly toward the time we were to head out on that day's adventures. I was feeling so small and insignificant. I was wondering why I even wanted to come on this trip when clearly Dh could have come alone.
Cheri came down with Lia and her Dh, saw me...and asked where Dh and Katie were. I answered that they were still in the room but would be down soon. Something must have tipped her off, but she realized that something wasn't quite right. She asked if I was okay. I told her that yeah...I was. She didn't believe me and pressed further, I told her that Katie was rejecting me and that it was just really hard. But I understood WHY and I knew it would be okay. It was just really really hard.
She gave me a hug.
Oh my gosh...that HUG. A single hug, a simple human contact with a look in their eyes that says that they are truly sorry I'm hurting...and, well, I cried. Just a little, enough that I didn't want to alert the others that I was seriously hurting inside because I didn't want to have to answer their questions or see their pity because I knew if saw any pity I would start sobbing. I continued to sit there and think and wonder.
I started thinking about how I was wishing that Dh would decide to stay in the hotel room with Katie and I could go on the day's adventure. I could have a break from the crying, the grief....and then I heard my thoughts. I was, in effect, pushing Katie away. I was trying to withdraw MY love and MY presence from this tiny little 16 month old who was confused, all because she didn't want me around because she was SCARED. Here I had been instrumental in changing up her entire world, in ways that were NOT good in her way of thinking, and I was expecting her to accept and LOVE me? It was ME that needed to change, to become the MOTHER she needed.
Dh came down with Katie, and she was just not looking like she felt all that well. He looked tired and overwhelmed, and I realized that he had NOT had a break. He was having to worry about Katie and about me with my hurt feelings. It was not fair to him. I'm an adult, and I could deal with the rejection. HE needed me to support him in caring for OUR daughter in the way SHE needed.
We ended up not going on the outing, and we asked the guide to help us get her seen by the doctors. We went up to the hotel room to wait, and I stayed out of sight as best as possible. I got Dh the things he needed, and I thought a great deal about how I could help Katie through this. I still hurt. I still cried whenever I thought about how difficult things were, and I started thinking about how it would be okay if Katie never wanted to do things with me...that eventually she would stop crying in my presence. I tried to make myself believe it would be okay if I could never hold her again. (I was a little emotional too obviously)
The guide took us to the orphanage to get her seen by their doctors, and we were scolded for not dressing her warmly enough. She started out in Dh's arms, but she wanted ME to hold her over the doctor holding her! The orphanage got her something to drink, then made us wait to see if she kept it down. I was able to feed her that bottle, and my heart turned over and I had a glimpse that it might all be okay. Katie let me look at her, hold her, etc. while we were with the doctors.
When we got to the taxi to head back to the hotel, she refused to look at me. She stayed in Dh's arms and started crying if I touched her (I stopped touching her). I didn't hold her the rest of the afternoon. I didn't get to look into her eyes (but I watched her sleep). Then, Cheri knocked on the door and asked if we wanted to go out with them to get dinner. Dh told me that he felt we should keep Katie indoors, and I agreed. Cheri asked if they could bring us back dinner, and I was going to order when Dh told me that I could go with them and at least one of us could have a break from the hotel room!
I spent that evening walking the streets of Kunming to get dinner with Cheri and her family. I got to smile at Lia and see her interact with her family. Cheri admitted to me that things were not that great for them with Lia that she was grieving as well and wanted her Daddy more than she wanted Cheri. It helped so much to hear I wasn't totally alone in that. Cheri suggested I ask online if anyone had any ideas to help Katie start the bonding process with me. They distracted me with the walking down the streets, and Cheri gave me another hug. Then, they came over INTO OUR ROOM with our sick daughter and spent time with us. Katie and Lia stared at each other with their daddies close by and played a little...while I sat across the room and for the first time got to see Katie play.
From that point on Katie stopped crying when she saw me looking at her. If I touched her, she still cried. If she was laughing, she sobered up if she saw me watching her. But my watching her and looking at her while in the hotel room stopped resulting in cries.
I took any progress we could make at that point.
On the flight to Guangzhou Katie sat in Dh's lap, and I did not touch her or try to interact with her unless she started it (which she did not). I helped Dh care for her, I got him things he needed...but Katie's care was solely his responsibility. Once in Guangzhou she allowed me to touch her if I were putting her blanket back around her. I could change her diaper as well. I was making very very very very slow progress.
Katie was laughing and interacting with everyone else in our group, even the women. I clearly remember sitting on the bus making a realization. It was that Katie was more than grieving, she was rejecting ME as her Mother because in her eyes she had a mother. She was fighting the idea of me. It helped to know this, it really did. Katie knew that I was supposed to be someone special in her life, and she did NOT want anything to do with me.
Cheri once again came to my rescue, and agreed to do a massage with me. I know it was not the best thing for her to go off and do as Lia's grieving was still going strong and Lia needed both parents there. But she came, and made me feel like it was something SHE needed as well (still wonder about that). But oh I needed that time, that time away from the stress and worries about Katie and how she was not attaching to me. Cheri would listen and give hugs. She'd laugh with me, talk with me, and encourage me. Cheri and I bonded over that massage experience!
By the end of the trip I could carry Katie in the Ergo in Guangzhou with her at most whining, but I had to be moving and walking around. Dh was in serious need of a break. I remember walking the halls singing to Katie with her doing the whine she would do before falling asleep, trying to block me out. I did my best to comfort her and start laying the foundations for her to trust me.
Let's just say it was a LOOONG flight home where she only wanted to be held by Dh and did a little regression in how she looked at me. I didn't feel so good either (major sinus issues and breathing issues). We were all tired.
Once home it was a whirlwind through Christmas, and while it hurt to see Katie allow the grandfathers to hold her...and I was sad to see her cry around the Aunts and grandmothers, it helped that she didn't want them as much either. Now, when she finally did allow her grandmothers and aunts to PLAY with her, when she had not allowed that with me...well that was really hard and I called Cheri who listened to me. Cheri comforted me. She encouraged me. She reminded me to go back to the China Adopt forums and RE-READ the posts to me where I asked for advice. She reminded me that Katie knows I'm "special" and that I'm her Mom. She was still fighting that.
1 week after we got home...Katie finally started allowing me to MOTHER her. It took her 3 weeks to accept that I was going to mother her. I was by no means her MOM yet though. I could care for her needs, and I could hold her without crying. She would even play with me a little. But it was more of a babysitter relationship kind of thing.
Did I mention we made VERY VERY VERY VERY slow progress with her? To this day Katie breaks through each "barrier" in the attachment process about 2-3 weeks faster with Dh than with me. He got her first hug. He got her first kiss. She cuddled and snuggled in with him first. She still wants Dh if she is unsure of a situation, I'm okay in those situations but Daddy makes her feel secure. I'm okay with this because I truly want Katie to do what makes Katie feel best, and I understand it better now. I am also very thankful that Katie had known love, and knew how to attach to someone. We are reaping the rewards of that now. But it has been a LONG slow arduous process. Totally and completely worth it, and yes, if we could at this point I would do it all over again.
Not sure how long this will stay up....but I know if I had read something like this while we were in China, it would have helped so much.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Katie in the field of flowers...
Michelle of Kindle the Heart Photography offered an absolutely awesome deal - portraits in the field of daffodils/buttercups! It was hard to work in the time to go up there with my busy schedule, but I'm so very very glad I did. As you can see those buttercups are just about "gone" and today was the last possible day she could have photographed Katie there. But next year? Oh start planning NOW for next year and get on her list!!!
(right click that and view it LARGE)
Then, there was this sage grass....and she had this awesome blue chair...and OH MY GOSH TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY....
Did I mention I'm so very glad I made that effort? *sigh* Now comes the difficult part - choosing which ones to order!
Please go to her blog and leave some comment LOVE there for her. :) If you are in Middle Tennessee I'm going to tell you that you can not go wrong with her either as a photographer - she's near Murfreesboro (and man did I spell that wrong).
(right click that and view it LARGE)
Then, there was this sage grass....and she had this awesome blue chair...and OH MY GOSH TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY....
Did I mention I'm so very glad I made that effort? *sigh* Now comes the difficult part - choosing which ones to order!
Please go to her blog and leave some comment LOVE there for her. :) If you are in Middle Tennessee I'm going to tell you that you can not go wrong with her either as a photographer - she's near Murfreesboro (and man did I spell that wrong).
Friday, March 13, 2009
Photography - Don’t forget yourself.
Pardon me while I get on my own little soapbox. I hear it all the time, "I don't want to be in the photo because I look so bad. I need to lose 10 more pounds. I didn't brush my hair. I don't have make up on. I am wearing my sweats and just back from the gym." I hear it all, both in sessions AND just taking snapshots at birthday parties and such.
Parents NEED to be in photos with their kids. Don’t worry about what you look like, how much weight you need to lose, that you don’t have make up on, or your hair is crazy. Or even that you don’t match your clothes. Your kids NEED to have photos of the real you. They need to have tangible memories just in case.
Family portraits should never be put off because I can tell you story after story that will break your heart of families who never expected something to happen…and then it was too late for a family portrait. Just do it. It’s a beautiful memory of how you look at this point in your child’s life. They know what you look like, and when they have children that are their current age…just think, how neat it would be to be able to look back and SEE what their parents looked like.
Think about your own parents. How many photos do you have of them? With the whole family? What about your grandparents? Great-grandparents?
When on vacation, please please please remember to give the camera to someone else and get photos of yourself on vacation. I remember looking at one vacation album and someone asked me if I had gone on that vacation or not? I was not in a single photo. On our recent vacation, the one with 910 photos? I was in 5-10, and I only got in those because my son was handed a camera. Less than 5 are of me facing the camera…one is of my rear. ;)
Parents NEED to be in photos with their kids. Don’t worry about what you look like, how much weight you need to lose, that you don’t have make up on, or your hair is crazy. Or even that you don’t match your clothes. Your kids NEED to have photos of the real you. They need to have tangible memories just in case.
Family portraits should never be put off because I can tell you story after story that will break your heart of families who never expected something to happen…and then it was too late for a family portrait. Just do it. It’s a beautiful memory of how you look at this point in your child’s life. They know what you look like, and when they have children that are their current age…just think, how neat it would be to be able to look back and SEE what their parents looked like.
Think about your own parents. How many photos do you have of them? With the whole family? What about your grandparents? Great-grandparents?
When on vacation, please please please remember to give the camera to someone else and get photos of yourself on vacation. I remember looking at one vacation album and someone asked me if I had gone on that vacation or not? I was not in a single photo. On our recent vacation, the one with 910 photos? I was in 5-10, and I only got in those because my son was handed a camera. Less than 5 are of me facing the camera…one is of my rear. ;)
Monday, March 09, 2009
It still haunts me
It's been 14 months, no 15 months since we held Katie for the first time. We are quickly approaching the time when she has lived in America for longer than she lived in China (and yes that makes me a little sad to think about).
But, honestly, there is something that still haunts me. I can hear it, very plainly in my mind 15 months later. It was something Katie would say over and over and over. Especially when we tried introducing her to me as "Momma" and perhaps the way we said it...I don't know.
She cried for so much of our trip to China, so much of it involved me. It involved ME being called "Momma" to her. It involved her just crying when I looked at her. If that was all that happened, I would understand and probably NOT be so haunted now. But she would say something, a phrase, over and over and over. It sounded a lot like "My Mom" to me.
Tonight, I was reading a blog about a little girl who is recovering from heart surgery, and her parents mentioned she said, "Ma" to things she didn't want. In Cantonese it means no.
That lightbulb went off. Katie lived in Southern China, and quite possibly did not speak Mandarin. I KNEW this before we went, but I didn't think about it until TONIGHT. Ya'll...that's 15 months with us that I didn't make the connection that while I knew she probably only spoke Cantonese, that the baby words she spoke that our friends who spoke MANDARIN couldn't understand...well, duh, she was speaking Cantonese. Or most likely, she probably spoke a dialect of Cantonese, or at least understood it. Most likely though, at 16 months she was speaking some (and given the rate of language acquisition I would suspect she was talking quite a bit). Ya'll...I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK IT UP. I knew, instinctively, it had to do with her Foster Mom. It sounded too much like Momma. I just thought, "Hey that must be what she called her."
Jyutpin------------------------------pinyin-----------meaning
maa1*4 maa1------------------------ma1 ma5----------mother, mom
maa1 mai1 mi4 / mai1 mi1------------------------------mummy, mommy
maa1*4 maa1*2 dei6*2------------------------- not bad, not so good, so so, okay, etc
I have NO idea what those would sound like with those tones
In Cantonese, the "not" seems to be the letter m in front of the "word" which serves to negate it. What does that m sound like?
She could have been calling for her Mom or Mommy...or she could have been saying "Not Mom". Whichever it was, I knew it was not me she wanted. The grief she displayed was overwhelming to me. She babbled here and there, especially with Dh...and I wish I had been able to get that on video (she would stop as soon as she saw the video camera). But, my mind has perfectly recorded that wail with "My Mom" and it haunts me still.
I can hear her crying, sobbing, "My mom" over and over in my mind. I can picture the hotel room in Kunming, with Dh holding her while she cried. I tried to hold her and it caused her to scream in this terror filled voice that needed no translation. When I close my eyes while remembering this...I can smell that scent...that precious scent that was hers while we were in China.
And then my heart breaks again for all that she has lost. All that her Foster Mom lost. All that her Mom in China has lost.
It still haunts me. I think it always will.
But, honestly, there is something that still haunts me. I can hear it, very plainly in my mind 15 months later. It was something Katie would say over and over and over. Especially when we tried introducing her to me as "Momma" and perhaps the way we said it...I don't know.
She cried for so much of our trip to China, so much of it involved me. It involved ME being called "Momma" to her. It involved her just crying when I looked at her. If that was all that happened, I would understand and probably NOT be so haunted now. But she would say something, a phrase, over and over and over. It sounded a lot like "My Mom" to me.
Tonight, I was reading a blog about a little girl who is recovering from heart surgery, and her parents mentioned she said, "Ma" to things she didn't want. In Cantonese it means no.
That lightbulb went off. Katie lived in Southern China, and quite possibly did not speak Mandarin. I KNEW this before we went, but I didn't think about it until TONIGHT. Ya'll...that's 15 months with us that I didn't make the connection that while I knew she probably only spoke Cantonese, that the baby words she spoke that our friends who spoke MANDARIN couldn't understand...well, duh, she was speaking Cantonese. Or most likely, she probably spoke a dialect of Cantonese, or at least understood it. Most likely though, at 16 months she was speaking some (and given the rate of language acquisition I would suspect she was talking quite a bit). Ya'll...I NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK IT UP. I knew, instinctively, it had to do with her Foster Mom. It sounded too much like Momma. I just thought, "Hey that must be what she called her."
Jyutpin------------------------------pinyin-----------meaning
maa1*4 maa1------------------------ma1 ma5----------mother, mom
maa1 mai1 mi4 / mai1 mi1------------------------------mummy, mommy
maa1*4 maa1*2 dei6*2------------------------- not bad, not so good, so so, okay, etc
I have NO idea what those would sound like with those tones
In Cantonese, the "not" seems to be the letter m in front of the "word" which serves to negate it. What does that m sound like?
She could have been calling for her Mom or Mommy...or she could have been saying "Not Mom". Whichever it was, I knew it was not me she wanted. The grief she displayed was overwhelming to me. She babbled here and there, especially with Dh...and I wish I had been able to get that on video (she would stop as soon as she saw the video camera). But, my mind has perfectly recorded that wail with "My Mom" and it haunts me still.
I can hear her crying, sobbing, "My mom" over and over in my mind. I can picture the hotel room in Kunming, with Dh holding her while she cried. I tried to hold her and it caused her to scream in this terror filled voice that needed no translation. When I close my eyes while remembering this...I can smell that scent...that precious scent that was hers while we were in China.
And then my heart breaks again for all that she has lost. All that her Foster Mom lost. All that her Mom in China has lost.
It still haunts me. I think it always will.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
9 months without cable
Well, I thought it was time to update everyone on where we stood with our trial of "no cable or satellite" in the house. It's now been 9 months and honestly we are watching fewer actual shows that are still being shown. Those we are watching, well, we just see them a little slower than everyone else. ;) We are watching MacGyver (through DVD), Battlestar Galactica (thank you SciFi!), Stargate Atlantis (again SciFi), and Amazing Race. 4 shows people...yet we really don't seem to have any more TIME. Where has all that time gone?
In the past 9 months we have seen a huge leap in the streaming technology. We've also determined that streaming wirelessly with an older laptop is not the best idea either. Hooked directly into the network with a dedicated computer seems to give us a pretty good experience.
So, what exactly do we watch and how? Also, what else have we done to add to our need for TV. What specific things have we missed about not having cable?
1. We recently joined Netflix. Not because we could get unlimited movies delivered to our door, but honestly, because they offered the "Instant Play" feature for MANY movies and television shows (yes, most are older, but still we like watching reruns of many of our favorite shows). Which shows in particular do they have? Mythbusters, Sliders, Dr. Who (original), SeaQuest, Extreme Engineering, and so forth to name a few. They have CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, Numb3rs, and I believe NCIS and The Unit as well. We found quite a few family favorites from PBS on there, and many from the History Channel that the boys enjoy watching.
These are from NETFLIX people, so no commercials. :)
2. Did you know HGTV has ONLINE shows as well? SCORE for Me!!!! Full episodes of some of my favorites, and better yet...it streams continuously that ONE show. So, instead of moving into the next show as it does on TV, it moves into the next episode of that show. Love the Designed to Sell series...
3. Sci-Fi channel has our favorite shows on their full episodes list. These are currently Battlestar Galactica (it runs about 1 week "slow" and it's just about over), Stargate Atlantis (we're in the last season on this one), and Eureka (not playing right now).
4. Amazing Race is streamed online after the final showing in the US, meaning right after (or as it plays as I've not tested it) the Pacific time zone sees it, we get it streamed online. We typically save it for a night the boys can watch with us.
The boys? Well, they have not seen television shows designed for them since we cut the cable. No Disney Channel, no Nickelodeon, no Cartoon Network, etc. We have not shown them the Netflix instant play stuff yet, but probably will soon.
What have we missed? Well, we have missed certain things...like watching the Inauguration real time without having to tweak the antenna. Superbowl was a little noisy. Baseball's Homerun Derby was not shown on networks. That's the sum total of the things we've "missed" about not having Cable/Satellite hooked up. 3 things...in 9 months? Dh would like to go on the record that he does sometime miss the "channel surfing" aspect of having cable.
More Disney this week...more photography stuff...and homeschooling ramblings.
In the past 9 months we have seen a huge leap in the streaming technology. We've also determined that streaming wirelessly with an older laptop is not the best idea either. Hooked directly into the network with a dedicated computer seems to give us a pretty good experience.
So, what exactly do we watch and how? Also, what else have we done to add to our need for TV. What specific things have we missed about not having cable?
1. We recently joined Netflix. Not because we could get unlimited movies delivered to our door, but honestly, because they offered the "Instant Play" feature for MANY movies and television shows (yes, most are older, but still we like watching reruns of many of our favorite shows). Which shows in particular do they have? Mythbusters, Sliders, Dr. Who (original), SeaQuest, Extreme Engineering, and so forth to name a few. They have CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, Numb3rs, and I believe NCIS and The Unit as well. We found quite a few family favorites from PBS on there, and many from the History Channel that the boys enjoy watching.
These are from NETFLIX people, so no commercials. :)
2. Did you know HGTV has ONLINE shows as well? SCORE for Me!!!! Full episodes of some of my favorites, and better yet...it streams continuously that ONE show. So, instead of moving into the next show as it does on TV, it moves into the next episode of that show. Love the Designed to Sell series...
3. Sci-Fi channel has our favorite shows on their full episodes list. These are currently Battlestar Galactica (it runs about 1 week "slow" and it's just about over), Stargate Atlantis (we're in the last season on this one), and Eureka (not playing right now).
4. Amazing Race is streamed online after the final showing in the US, meaning right after (or as it plays as I've not tested it) the Pacific time zone sees it, we get it streamed online. We typically save it for a night the boys can watch with us.
The boys? Well, they have not seen television shows designed for them since we cut the cable. No Disney Channel, no Nickelodeon, no Cartoon Network, etc. We have not shown them the Netflix instant play stuff yet, but probably will soon.
What have we missed? Well, we have missed certain things...like watching the Inauguration real time without having to tweak the antenna. Superbowl was a little noisy. Baseball's Homerun Derby was not shown on networks. That's the sum total of the things we've "missed" about not having Cable/Satellite hooked up. 3 things...in 9 months? Dh would like to go on the record that he does sometime miss the "channel surfing" aspect of having cable.
More Disney this week...more photography stuff...and homeschooling ramblings.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Photography - My gear
I've gotten quite a few questions on what lenses I use, what camera I use, etc. Especially in Disney.
Well, I'm Canon. 100% Canon. I've used off-brand lenses and have not had the experiences that others have had with the off brand lenses being just as sharp. No, my experiences have been different (but then again I struggle with sharpness anyway). So, all my lenses are Canon.
With the Rebel XT (that my sis currently has and enjoying) - kit lens 18-55mm with variable ap of 3.5-5.6 I believe, off brand 70-200mm telephoto with variable ap 3.5-5.6. There might be another lens with that group, but honestly it's been close to a year since I've seen it. LOL
Canon 20d - this was my first DSLR, and is my backup to my backup. Or the camera I let the boys use to practice with when I'm with them. It's been heavily used, so it's starting to show signs of age. Sitting in the camera bag for this one I have a 28-135mm variable ap 3.5-5.6 lens. (I think that's the lens). It was the first "recommended" lens for portraits that I stumbled across that I could somewhat afford. I don't recommend it. LOL
Canon 30d - this is without a lens sitting in my camera bag - it's my back up, and during a session if I get a wild idea for something, I will typically pull it out and run with 2 cameras. If I'm shooting a wedding, this is typically slung over my shoulder with the 85mm or 50mm lens on it. The 20d would then be sitting in my bag JUST IN CASE. This is the camera I took to Disney.
Canon 5d - this is my "session" camera. LOL I hardly EVER use it for my own kids (use the 30d a lot). I would say, 90% of the time it has the 24-105mm f/4.0L lens on it. LOVE THIS COMBO! Canon sort of built these to go together, and they function beautifully together. I wish the 24-105 opened up wider, but for me and my focus issues...f/4.0 is good.
Lenses in my bag: 50mm f/1.8, 85mm f/1.8, 70-200mm f/2.8L IS
THAT is it!
Notice, in my bag I do not use variable aperture lenses. This is because when I set a setting, I expect it to stay the same. With variable aperture lenses if you "zoom" in or out, the aperture setting can change on you and then you will be off on exposure. So NOT a good thing.
Also, notice the 50mm lens is the CHEAP one of that variety. I think at bhphoto it costs around $75. It's made out of plastic, but I'm not using this lens for portraits, it's a "details" lens for me. A 50mm lens has some distortion with it, and it will make noses bigger and wider, and foreheads bigger, and so forth without changing the size of the rest of the head...not pretty. So, I just use it for details (or animals). I would like to get the 50mm 1.4 version, but honestly, until I use the 1.8 version more I don't need it. Incidentally, this is the lens that lived on the 30d in Disney. I never took it off, and all dSLR images are taken with this lens. Of course I took only this lens and the one that lives with the 20d 24-135mm variable aperture lens so it's not totally surprising. ;)
The 85mm lens is MUCH better on the distortion, but I can not get as close as I would like typically. I love this lens outdoors. Adore it. I drool over owning the 85mm f/1.4L or is it f/1.2L version.
The 20-700 MONSTER lens...that's for sports, and teens, and crying children who are terrified of me OUTDOORS! This lens seriously weighs 5 pounds by itself. It's huge. It's a monster (just ask Lia's Mommy as I took it to China and everyone laughed at me). It takes some GORGEOUS images, but I am weak and thus I shake when I hold it for long periods of time. I also need a TON of room with it. Not good for indoors - the 24-105 is much better for indoors. This lens is named "Harold" because I really can't remember why...I think friends just felt the need to have a NAME for this monster lens when we were all talking about it.
OKAY, I'm sure you've noticed the L I've attached to designations on some of these. That L means it's "professional" quality lens. Dh jokes that it means "LOTS of money" as it does indicate a more expensive lens to purchase. L lenses typically have a better quality glass in them, are typically sturdier built (no plastic), and have no chromatic aberration (meaning there are no mis-aligned anything).
One thing I have learned is that camera type is important, yes. But put your money into quality lenses. A photo taken with one of my L lenses on the RebelXT (and yes I have put one of them on it) looks much better than if I had taken it with the kit lens.
I also have all sorts of "extra" fun stuff like flashes (never ever use the flash that came on the camera...and well, to be honest the 5d doesn't have that flash). I have both the 580EX and 580EX II flashes made by Canon (again, I like sticking with Canon brand). I highly recommend the 580EX II flash, but honestly, I still have not figured out all it can do!
Computer side of things - I use CF cards, shoot RAW format, and download directly through a CF card reader (not using the cord that came with the camera or the canon software). I edit all photos in Adobe Photoshop CS2 or CS4 (switching over to CS4 currently). I have also recently purchased Lightroom, but I'm struggling with it. Lightroom is your basic darkroom, where you can edit the entire photo and adjust the exposure and color. You can use basic actions, and truthfully if I could learn the software this is where I would do 100% of my proofing. Detailed edits are done in Photoshop.
So, this leaves me recommending Canon lenses (or Nikon lenses for those using Nikon, or Sony for those Sony, etc.). If you need to go off-brand, Tamron is the lens manufacturer I've heard good things about. ALWAYS...ALWAYS ALWAYS purchase camera gear from a reputable shop. bhphoto and adorama are the only two I buy online from, and with good reason. Remember that Canon and Nikon both do NOT run sales unless it's a global sale (meaning bhphoto also has it). If an online store has a GREAT deal, check the store ratings...because there are many bait and switch camera sellers out there. Also, if you live in the US, you want to purchase the US versions of things or else the manufacturers warranty will not be valid. ;)
IF I had to recommend a specific lens for you to learn with, without a HUGE outlay of expenditure...go with the 50mm f/1.8. It's not the best lens out there, but it's a GREAT lens to learn with. IF you are looking at other lenses, try not to go with a variable aperture lens. Yes, they are cheaper than the fixed aperture lens, but if you shooting in manual modes then you must constantly be aware of the chances of change in the aperture which could change your exposure. BTDT and it's not fun.
On Canon lenses - L is good. IS is good. USM is good. IS is Image Stabilization (meaning the lens has a mechanism to help with hand held shaking). USM is Ultra sonic movement, meaning it typically moves to focus faster (another good thing). I can live without the USM. If the lens is heavy I go for the IS. Whenever possible I go for the L (and this now means I wait to purchase a lens until I can afford the L version).
Well, I'm Canon. 100% Canon. I've used off-brand lenses and have not had the experiences that others have had with the off brand lenses being just as sharp. No, my experiences have been different (but then again I struggle with sharpness anyway). So, all my lenses are Canon.
With the Rebel XT (that my sis currently has and enjoying) - kit lens 18-55mm with variable ap of 3.5-5.6 I believe, off brand 70-200mm telephoto with variable ap 3.5-5.6. There might be another lens with that group, but honestly it's been close to a year since I've seen it. LOL
Canon 20d - this was my first DSLR, and is my backup to my backup. Or the camera I let the boys use to practice with when I'm with them. It's been heavily used, so it's starting to show signs of age. Sitting in the camera bag for this one I have a 28-135mm variable ap 3.5-5.6 lens. (I think that's the lens). It was the first "recommended" lens for portraits that I stumbled across that I could somewhat afford. I don't recommend it. LOL
Canon 30d - this is without a lens sitting in my camera bag - it's my back up, and during a session if I get a wild idea for something, I will typically pull it out and run with 2 cameras. If I'm shooting a wedding, this is typically slung over my shoulder with the 85mm or 50mm lens on it. The 20d would then be sitting in my bag JUST IN CASE. This is the camera I took to Disney.
Canon 5d - this is my "session" camera. LOL I hardly EVER use it for my own kids (use the 30d a lot). I would say, 90% of the time it has the 24-105mm f/4.0L lens on it. LOVE THIS COMBO! Canon sort of built these to go together, and they function beautifully together. I wish the 24-105 opened up wider, but for me and my focus issues...f/4.0 is good.
Lenses in my bag: 50mm f/1.8, 85mm f/1.8, 70-200mm f/2.8L IS
THAT is it!
Notice, in my bag I do not use variable aperture lenses. This is because when I set a setting, I expect it to stay the same. With variable aperture lenses if you "zoom" in or out, the aperture setting can change on you and then you will be off on exposure. So NOT a good thing.
Also, notice the 50mm lens is the CHEAP one of that variety. I think at bhphoto it costs around $75. It's made out of plastic, but I'm not using this lens for portraits, it's a "details" lens for me. A 50mm lens has some distortion with it, and it will make noses bigger and wider, and foreheads bigger, and so forth without changing the size of the rest of the head...not pretty. So, I just use it for details (or animals). I would like to get the 50mm 1.4 version, but honestly, until I use the 1.8 version more I don't need it. Incidentally, this is the lens that lived on the 30d in Disney. I never took it off, and all dSLR images are taken with this lens. Of course I took only this lens and the one that lives with the 20d 24-135mm variable aperture lens so it's not totally surprising. ;)
The 85mm lens is MUCH better on the distortion, but I can not get as close as I would like typically. I love this lens outdoors. Adore it. I drool over owning the 85mm f/1.4L or is it f/1.2L version.
The 20-700 MONSTER lens...that's for sports, and teens, and crying children who are terrified of me OUTDOORS! This lens seriously weighs 5 pounds by itself. It's huge. It's a monster (just ask Lia's Mommy as I took it to China and everyone laughed at me). It takes some GORGEOUS images, but I am weak and thus I shake when I hold it for long periods of time. I also need a TON of room with it. Not good for indoors - the 24-105 is much better for indoors. This lens is named "Harold" because I really can't remember why...I think friends just felt the need to have a NAME for this monster lens when we were all talking about it.
OKAY, I'm sure you've noticed the L I've attached to designations on some of these. That L means it's "professional" quality lens. Dh jokes that it means "LOTS of money" as it does indicate a more expensive lens to purchase. L lenses typically have a better quality glass in them, are typically sturdier built (no plastic), and have no chromatic aberration (meaning there are no mis-aligned anything).
One thing I have learned is that camera type is important, yes. But put your money into quality lenses. A photo taken with one of my L lenses on the RebelXT (and yes I have put one of them on it) looks much better than if I had taken it with the kit lens.
I also have all sorts of "extra" fun stuff like flashes (never ever use the flash that came on the camera...and well, to be honest the 5d doesn't have that flash). I have both the 580EX and 580EX II flashes made by Canon (again, I like sticking with Canon brand). I highly recommend the 580EX II flash, but honestly, I still have not figured out all it can do!
Computer side of things - I use CF cards, shoot RAW format, and download directly through a CF card reader (not using the cord that came with the camera or the canon software). I edit all photos in Adobe Photoshop CS2 or CS4 (switching over to CS4 currently). I have also recently purchased Lightroom, but I'm struggling with it. Lightroom is your basic darkroom, where you can edit the entire photo and adjust the exposure and color. You can use basic actions, and truthfully if I could learn the software this is where I would do 100% of my proofing. Detailed edits are done in Photoshop.
So, this leaves me recommending Canon lenses (or Nikon lenses for those using Nikon, or Sony for those Sony, etc.). If you need to go off-brand, Tamron is the lens manufacturer I've heard good things about. ALWAYS...ALWAYS ALWAYS purchase camera gear from a reputable shop. bhphoto and adorama are the only two I buy online from, and with good reason. Remember that Canon and Nikon both do NOT run sales unless it's a global sale (meaning bhphoto also has it). If an online store has a GREAT deal, check the store ratings...because there are many bait and switch camera sellers out there. Also, if you live in the US, you want to purchase the US versions of things or else the manufacturers warranty will not be valid. ;)
IF I had to recommend a specific lens for you to learn with, without a HUGE outlay of expenditure...go with the 50mm f/1.8. It's not the best lens out there, but it's a GREAT lens to learn with. IF you are looking at other lenses, try not to go with a variable aperture lens. Yes, they are cheaper than the fixed aperture lens, but if you shooting in manual modes then you must constantly be aware of the chances of change in the aperture which could change your exposure. BTDT and it's not fun.
On Canon lenses - L is good. IS is good. USM is good. IS is Image Stabilization (meaning the lens has a mechanism to help with hand held shaking). USM is Ultra sonic movement, meaning it typically moves to focus faster (another good thing). I can live without the USM. If the lens is heavy I go for the IS. Whenever possible I go for the L (and this now means I wait to purchase a lens until I can afford the L version).
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
SNOW!!!!!!!
It actually snowed here! Of course, being true to where we live I think we might be able to wear sundresses a week after the "big snowfall"
So, those of you in the North...you know where this is considered a dusting. Know that they canceled CHURCH for this, had it be a weekday then school and non-essential working people in gov't offices would have been told not to come in. Pay particular attention to the ROADS. Yeah. It had been in the 60s less than 48 hours prior.
as this is my LIFE we now know WHY I was shocked when Kia mentioned netting to hold the snow back...
Opportunity for Middle Tennessee folks...
Buttercup Special Event
A photographer I know in Middle Tennessee is offering these special sessions in the middle of this buttercup field (all wild growing in the middle of this big field) coming up in the next couple of weeks and she has VERY limited space available.
Can I just say I'm drooling over the idea of Katie in this field? Absolutely totally drooling...only problem is that I'm not sure I will be able to make it there for it. I wanted to give those who are closer to Middle Tennessee the option of it though.
A photographer I know in Middle Tennessee is offering these special sessions in the middle of this buttercup field (all wild growing in the middle of this big field) coming up in the next couple of weeks and she has VERY limited space available.
Can I just say I'm drooling over the idea of Katie in this field? Absolutely totally drooling...only problem is that I'm not sure I will be able to make it there for it. I wanted to give those who are closer to Middle Tennessee the option of it though.
We now own a toilet lock
But only in the upstairs bathroom that is attached to Katie's room.
Why? Well, I was tired of finding the following:
Wet baby wipes floating in the toilet.
Wet baby wipes with lots of droplets of water on the floor around the toilet.
Wet baby wipes with lots of water across the bathroom.
Wet baby wipes with lots of water in her room....
Katie with wet hands, sleeves, and outfits.
Katie with wet HAIR, hands, sleeves, and outfits.
Dolls that were wet.
Stuffed animals that were wet.
Toys that were wet.
Furniture that was wet (see above wet baby wipes in her room).
but in particular, I was TIRED of Toilet Water Tea Parties!!!!
Interestingly enough, she ONLY ever played in her bathroom toilet. Mine and Dh's she has not touched (yet). The boys she has not touched (yet), and the downstair's guest/half bathroom has a sink she can reach so she ignores the toilet. ;)
*sigh*
Why? Well, I was tired of finding the following:
Wet baby wipes floating in the toilet.
Wet baby wipes with lots of droplets of water on the floor around the toilet.
Wet baby wipes with lots of water across the bathroom.
Wet baby wipes with lots of water in her room....
Katie with wet hands, sleeves, and outfits.
Katie with wet HAIR, hands, sleeves, and outfits.
Dolls that were wet.
Stuffed animals that were wet.
Toys that were wet.
Furniture that was wet (see above wet baby wipes in her room).
but in particular, I was TIRED of Toilet Water Tea Parties!!!!
Interestingly enough, she ONLY ever played in her bathroom toilet. Mine and Dh's she has not touched (yet). The boys she has not touched (yet), and the downstair's guest/half bathroom has a sink she can reach so she ignores the toilet. ;)
*sigh*
Monday, March 02, 2009
Disney 2009 - Chapter 4 - Disney Hollywood Studios (H31l day)
Another early morning, although Clone2 slept all through the night without coughing fits! Bonus for him, not so much for me because I had to get up and check to make sure he was still breathing as Moms are wired to do that sort of thing.
We arrived at Hollywood Studios just a few minutes later than we would have liked, and were happy to see our friends waiting at the turnstiles! Yippee!!! We sort of kind of explained that it would be a giant crush of people getting to the new ride, Toy Story Mania, and if they could at all hang with us for that, then the rest of the day would not be so bad. Good times getting the stroller and trying to maneuver up the street in the crush of people. I had not anticipated what effect limited Fantasmic! would do to the park, nor had we been to a park on an EMH day in the past few trips. It was more crowded than I thought it would be, but we managed.
Dh was FPV for our family and luckily we had explained that to Friends so Dad/Husband was FPV for them for Toy Story Mania. I had the stroller with Clone2 and kept up with the Friends. Clone1 and Princess Peanut stayed with Dh. I would say Dh managed to get up toward the middle of the front of the pack while I was in the middle of the back of the pack. It all worked out as we got our FP for Toy Story Mania, got the stroller parked, and got in the long line that wasn’t too bad as we ended up constantly walking until we picked up our 3D glasses. I rode with Clone2 while Dh had Clone1 and Princess Peanut (who was not able to be held for this ride, so she just held her blanket up to her face instead until she started laughing at the movement of the vehicles). First impressions of this ride are that it is GREAT and not too difficult to score fairly well. This is important because Clone2 has been discouraged on Buzz for not getting very high scores like his Daddy does (yeah me too Clone2 me too). We all finished around 100,000 points, and we all could not wait to ride again!
We guided Friends to a place to grab breakfast as they had not eaten, and we took the boys to ride Star Tours and get a rider swap for it. Flight to Endor was it’s usual bumpy self, but the boys loved it. We chose to skip the Jedi Training Academy at that point (regretted it actually later in the trip as it would have been easy to see if the boys could be picked). Friends caught up with us and we went to see Muppet Vision 3D. Princess Peanut almost liked this one. The boys laughed, Friends seemed to really enjoy it. We walked the Streets of New York and San Fran for a few minutes, then made our way to Sci Fi for our dining reservation. I played FPV for our family and walked to get Rockin Rollercoaster Fastpasses while they finished up lunch.
It was around Noon by this point, and characters were not something Princess Peanut was at all interested in nor was Clone1. Clone2 could have seen them, and I wish I had made the effort to find Buzz and Cars for them. As it was, we got on the Great Movie Ride after I took Clone1 back to Sci Fi to get his ears he’d left behind. Everyone loved the ride, and Princess Peanut even watched some. We are making progress!!
Once we left the Great Movie Ride we decided to use our fast passes for Toy Story Mania. Fun again and all the scores improved a little! I noticed that it was time to quickly make our way to Lights Motors Action, and I had based our touring plan on previous trips and expected there to be plenty of room in the stadium. There was not. We managed to get seats, but they packed this stadium full and had to turn people away. It was the first I had ever seen that happen, and it was then I looked at Dh and we both started thinking about Fantasmic! that night. Friends and the clones enjoyed LMA of course, and it took forever to exit (big huge crowds).
We knew were Monsters Inc were, so we went to stand in line to meet those characters (Friends had specifically asked to meet them). The Clones and Dh with Friends’ 14 year old went to watch Jedi Training Academy, I stayed with Princess Peanut as she wanted to meet Mike. Wow. She was all for it as long as she was at least 3 feet away from him, so definite progress had been made there! We joined up with the Jedi hopefuls to find out they had not been picked, and then they rode Star Tours again while the girls of the group went on to Indiana Jones. Once again I was expecting a mostly empty arena, but found it was starting to get crowded already. We grabbed some seats, and the boys joined us.
Friends’ Dad/Husband was chosen for the evil laugh, only they really should have used his real evil laugh as I’ve heard it and it’s really good! LOL Having a friend participating made it a fun show for me and Dh. The Clones thought it was great as well.
Phew…I’m tired just remembering all of this. I do remember Clone2 having some major issues with coughing and breathing coming out of Indiana Jones, and as we were walking toward Narnia (Clone1 really wanted to see it) I remember other people staring at him and yanking their kids away from us. Cough variant asthma really does sound bad. Clone2 felt a little warm to me, and with how he’d been coughing I decided to call the pediatrician to check in and double check okay meds for him and dosage amounts. Clone2 and I sat outside Narnia while I called the doctor’s office. Clone2 was just about literally turning flips inside the stroller (obviously he didn’t feel THAT bad). I got through and the nurse saw Clone2’s chart and decided that the doctor really did need to review it all before she advised me (duh…). So I had to wait on a return phone call. Fun times indeed.
It was now around 5:30pm, and Dh and I had decided if we were going to attempt Fantasmic! at 7pm that we needed to head to find a seat about now, and as we had fast passes for RnR, Dh, Clone2, and Friends’ Dad/Husband all went to use them. The rest of us found seats in the over half full stadium. Yes, long before 6pm it was over half full. I spread my bags and jackets out and waited. I saw the stadium fill up around us, and heard the complaints as people saw my “saved seats” but I knew I had to keep them saved. The boys rejoined us, we got our snack dinners and chatted with our friends. I could tell they were tired, but I hoped they weren’t too bad off as we had spent more of the day sitting than previous days. Well, at 6:40 or there abouts we got the 10 minute warning on show start. Huh? I noticed at that time that the stadium was completely and totally full. Dh told me that at 6:30 when he was up a Cast Member had mentioned that standing room was full as well. Fantasmic! started at 6:50pm. It was wonderful as usual, and I felt very sorry for the people down in the “mist zone” as it was a windy night and rather cool. I know they got soaked.
Friends LOVED the show. As we were sitting in the 3rd from the top row, we thought we could exit easily. No such luck. Exiting this show was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. Imagine a mob of people standing shoulder to shoulder, front to back, with only the ability to shift your feet forward about ½ an inch at a time. Then because you have little kids walking with you people think there is an opening, so they shove into that space. You become separated from your 6 year old because of this, and before you can blink there are 4 adults between you and you have to shout ahead to the 14 year old to PLEASE keep an eye on your 6 year old. Which is when you notice that your 10 year old is with said 14 year old. You look around and Dh with Princess Peanut (age 2) asleep in his arms is at least 6 people behind you. Friends? Well, they are behind Dh. No amount of “excuse me my child is ahead of me and separated” gets you any further ahead. After 5-10 minutes (scary ones as you imagine your child getting trampled) you finally make it to the restroom area of Fantasmic! and you tell the 14 year old to pull the kids off to the side so all the adults can catch up. From that point on we hug the right side of the exit area so someone could dart ahead and get the younger kids if we had to. Only, others have this same idea and push forward trying to get ahead so you really have to watch your child. Your asthmatic child who is coughing yet again (stress is one trigger). We finally make it to the Tower of Terror area, and our hopes of things clearing out are dashed. Not only does it seem more crowded (we’re back to ½ inch steps) but there is a group of smokers with a heavy cloud of cigarette smoking hanging over the area we must walk through. I know this will trigger Clone2’s asthma, as it will also trigger my own and Princess Peanut’s. We do our best, I give Clone2 a throat drop to suck on hoping it will help keep the coughing spasms from getting bad. Dh covers Princess Peanut’s head with her blanket. I don’t let Clone2 stop for coughing, we basically drag him along with us as I know he has to get away from that area.
Now, you would think, YIPPEE we’re on Hollywood Blvd. We’re OUT OF THERE! Only, we’re now. Imagine this mob you’ve been traveling with, the crowd of people around you all sensing the freedom of the open “road” to travel in. It’s half blocked on the left by the people waiting to get in the 8:15pm showing of Fantasmic! The sidewalks on the right are full of the masses streaming into the RnR and ToT for their EMH night of riding as well as the various carts and trashcans on the sidewalk. As we hit the road with the left half blocked off with the mass of people waiting to enter Fantasmic! there is a cart, one with light up toys parked horizontally on the road. It literally is blocking all but 3 people widths around it. Our exiting mass has to further squeeze down into 3 single file lines to get by. This is compounded by strollers, wheelchairs, and scooters. People see the open areas where a stroller is and push into it not realizing they are pushing into a stroller. I saw the same thing happen with wheelchairs and scooters. We did NOT have our stroller with us as we knew it would be insane. Clone2, still slightly coughing, was walking beside Dh. I was in front of Dh with the diaper bag on my shoulder. Princess Peanut was on his shoulder. 2 adults pushed their way forward, pushing into Samuel and pushed him into Dh and myself (with the bag). I couldn’t move over any because the cart was there. They looked at Dh and me and said, “We’re just trying to exit Fantasmic!” Dh replied, “So are we!!” I looked at them and said, “and you just squished my asthmatic 6 year old!!!” Yes, complete with evil Mommy bear glare. No apologies. Dh did not realize, even after I said that, that Samuel had been squished between us. Clone1 was on the opposite side of the cart with Friends. Right after this, I drug our group to stand beside a trashcan (protection from the surging mass of people), so we could wait on it to die down some.
Friends chose to go shopping and dove through a break into the shop. Dh insisted we move on ahead with me in front, Clone2 behind me, Clone1 behind him, and then Dh. Everyone moved single file, holding on to the shirt in front of them. We passed a larger cart (popcorn maybe?), and got to the restrooms halfway down the road and finally the crowd started easing up. We moved faster and finally were able to walk almost normally, got outside of the park as quickly as possible. Dh took the kids to the bathroom, I found the asthma rescue meds, and we finally were able to take care of Clone2 and his breathing. I knew the fumes from the buses would further irritate him, and had him take my sweatshirt jacket and breathe through the material.
I was never so happy to get into our van as I was that night.
Dh and I have promised to never see another Fantasmic! as long as this kind of chaos is going on with it. Luckily we know this was not a normal Disney experience because it would have severely colored our judgement on what Disney is like. If someone were to ask me what my single most horrid experience at Disney has been, this was it.
We got back to our hotel, and Dh took off for a pharmacy as we needed some more decongestant/cough meds. I finally got the return phone call from the doctor and after some back and forth had a plan for Clone2’s asthma. Dh had to return to the pharmacy (caught him on the drive back to the hotel) for a new cough med that the doctor thought might work better with the myriad medicines Clone2 had to take. Luckily the next day was our rest day.
Recap of the day
FPV Toy Story Mania
Toy Story Mania - Standby
--drop friends off for breakfastStar Tours Standby & get rider swap
--Dh FPV for Star Tours
--friends meet back up with us
Muppet Vision 3D
Streets of New York (friends loved it)
Sci-Fi for Lunch
FPV - Rockin Roller Coaster
Great Movie Ride
Toy Story Mania with Fast Pass (at least I think we did this prior to Lights Motors Action)
Lights Motors Action
--Meet MIKE
--Jedi Training Academy
Ride Star Tours
Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular
Narnia thing
--Get seats for Fantasmic!
Rockin Rollercoaster
Survive H-E-double hockey sticks
Get back to hotel.
We arrived at Hollywood Studios just a few minutes later than we would have liked, and were happy to see our friends waiting at the turnstiles! Yippee!!! We sort of kind of explained that it would be a giant crush of people getting to the new ride, Toy Story Mania, and if they could at all hang with us for that, then the rest of the day would not be so bad. Good times getting the stroller and trying to maneuver up the street in the crush of people. I had not anticipated what effect limited Fantasmic! would do to the park, nor had we been to a park on an EMH day in the past few trips. It was more crowded than I thought it would be, but we managed.
Dh was FPV for our family and luckily we had explained that to Friends so Dad/Husband was FPV for them for Toy Story Mania. I had the stroller with Clone2 and kept up with the Friends. Clone1 and Princess Peanut stayed with Dh. I would say Dh managed to get up toward the middle of the front of the pack while I was in the middle of the back of the pack. It all worked out as we got our FP for Toy Story Mania, got the stroller parked, and got in the long line that wasn’t too bad as we ended up constantly walking until we picked up our 3D glasses. I rode with Clone2 while Dh had Clone1 and Princess Peanut (who was not able to be held for this ride, so she just held her blanket up to her face instead until she started laughing at the movement of the vehicles). First impressions of this ride are that it is GREAT and not too difficult to score fairly well. This is important because Clone2 has been discouraged on Buzz for not getting very high scores like his Daddy does (yeah me too Clone2 me too). We all finished around 100,000 points, and we all could not wait to ride again!
We guided Friends to a place to grab breakfast as they had not eaten, and we took the boys to ride Star Tours and get a rider swap for it. Flight to Endor was it’s usual bumpy self, but the boys loved it. We chose to skip the Jedi Training Academy at that point (regretted it actually later in the trip as it would have been easy to see if the boys could be picked). Friends caught up with us and we went to see Muppet Vision 3D. Princess Peanut almost liked this one. The boys laughed, Friends seemed to really enjoy it. We walked the Streets of New York and San Fran for a few minutes, then made our way to Sci Fi for our dining reservation. I played FPV for our family and walked to get Rockin Rollercoaster Fastpasses while they finished up lunch.
It was around Noon by this point, and characters were not something Princess Peanut was at all interested in nor was Clone1. Clone2 could have seen them, and I wish I had made the effort to find Buzz and Cars for them. As it was, we got on the Great Movie Ride after I took Clone1 back to Sci Fi to get his ears he’d left behind. Everyone loved the ride, and Princess Peanut even watched some. We are making progress!!
Once we left the Great Movie Ride we decided to use our fast passes for Toy Story Mania. Fun again and all the scores improved a little! I noticed that it was time to quickly make our way to Lights Motors Action, and I had based our touring plan on previous trips and expected there to be plenty of room in the stadium. There was not. We managed to get seats, but they packed this stadium full and had to turn people away. It was the first I had ever seen that happen, and it was then I looked at Dh and we both started thinking about Fantasmic! that night. Friends and the clones enjoyed LMA of course, and it took forever to exit (big huge crowds).
We knew were Monsters Inc were, so we went to stand in line to meet those characters (Friends had specifically asked to meet them). The Clones and Dh with Friends’ 14 year old went to watch Jedi Training Academy, I stayed with Princess Peanut as she wanted to meet Mike. Wow. She was all for it as long as she was at least 3 feet away from him, so definite progress had been made there! We joined up with the Jedi hopefuls to find out they had not been picked, and then they rode Star Tours again while the girls of the group went on to Indiana Jones. Once again I was expecting a mostly empty arena, but found it was starting to get crowded already. We grabbed some seats, and the boys joined us.
Friends’ Dad/Husband was chosen for the evil laugh, only they really should have used his real evil laugh as I’ve heard it and it’s really good! LOL Having a friend participating made it a fun show for me and Dh. The Clones thought it was great as well.
Phew…I’m tired just remembering all of this. I do remember Clone2 having some major issues with coughing and breathing coming out of Indiana Jones, and as we were walking toward Narnia (Clone1 really wanted to see it) I remember other people staring at him and yanking their kids away from us. Cough variant asthma really does sound bad. Clone2 felt a little warm to me, and with how he’d been coughing I decided to call the pediatrician to check in and double check okay meds for him and dosage amounts. Clone2 and I sat outside Narnia while I called the doctor’s office. Clone2 was just about literally turning flips inside the stroller (obviously he didn’t feel THAT bad). I got through and the nurse saw Clone2’s chart and decided that the doctor really did need to review it all before she advised me (duh…). So I had to wait on a return phone call. Fun times indeed.
It was now around 5:30pm, and Dh and I had decided if we were going to attempt Fantasmic! at 7pm that we needed to head to find a seat about now, and as we had fast passes for RnR, Dh, Clone2, and Friends’ Dad/Husband all went to use them. The rest of us found seats in the over half full stadium. Yes, long before 6pm it was over half full. I spread my bags and jackets out and waited. I saw the stadium fill up around us, and heard the complaints as people saw my “saved seats” but I knew I had to keep them saved. The boys rejoined us, we got our snack dinners and chatted with our friends. I could tell they were tired, but I hoped they weren’t too bad off as we had spent more of the day sitting than previous days. Well, at 6:40 or there abouts we got the 10 minute warning on show start. Huh? I noticed at that time that the stadium was completely and totally full. Dh told me that at 6:30 when he was up a Cast Member had mentioned that standing room was full as well. Fantasmic! started at 6:50pm. It was wonderful as usual, and I felt very sorry for the people down in the “mist zone” as it was a windy night and rather cool. I know they got soaked.
Friends LOVED the show. As we were sitting in the 3rd from the top row, we thought we could exit easily. No such luck. Exiting this show was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. Imagine a mob of people standing shoulder to shoulder, front to back, with only the ability to shift your feet forward about ½ an inch at a time. Then because you have little kids walking with you people think there is an opening, so they shove into that space. You become separated from your 6 year old because of this, and before you can blink there are 4 adults between you and you have to shout ahead to the 14 year old to PLEASE keep an eye on your 6 year old. Which is when you notice that your 10 year old is with said 14 year old. You look around and Dh with Princess Peanut (age 2) asleep in his arms is at least 6 people behind you. Friends? Well, they are behind Dh. No amount of “excuse me my child is ahead of me and separated” gets you any further ahead. After 5-10 minutes (scary ones as you imagine your child getting trampled) you finally make it to the restroom area of Fantasmic! and you tell the 14 year old to pull the kids off to the side so all the adults can catch up. From that point on we hug the right side of the exit area so someone could dart ahead and get the younger kids if we had to. Only, others have this same idea and push forward trying to get ahead so you really have to watch your child. Your asthmatic child who is coughing yet again (stress is one trigger). We finally make it to the Tower of Terror area, and our hopes of things clearing out are dashed. Not only does it seem more crowded (we’re back to ½ inch steps) but there is a group of smokers with a heavy cloud of cigarette smoking hanging over the area we must walk through. I know this will trigger Clone2’s asthma, as it will also trigger my own and Princess Peanut’s. We do our best, I give Clone2 a throat drop to suck on hoping it will help keep the coughing spasms from getting bad. Dh covers Princess Peanut’s head with her blanket. I don’t let Clone2 stop for coughing, we basically drag him along with us as I know he has to get away from that area.
Now, you would think, YIPPEE we’re on Hollywood Blvd. We’re OUT OF THERE! Only, we’re now. Imagine this mob you’ve been traveling with, the crowd of people around you all sensing the freedom of the open “road” to travel in. It’s half blocked on the left by the people waiting to get in the 8:15pm showing of Fantasmic! The sidewalks on the right are full of the masses streaming into the RnR and ToT for their EMH night of riding as well as the various carts and trashcans on the sidewalk. As we hit the road with the left half blocked off with the mass of people waiting to enter Fantasmic! there is a cart, one with light up toys parked horizontally on the road. It literally is blocking all but 3 people widths around it. Our exiting mass has to further squeeze down into 3 single file lines to get by. This is compounded by strollers, wheelchairs, and scooters. People see the open areas where a stroller is and push into it not realizing they are pushing into a stroller. I saw the same thing happen with wheelchairs and scooters. We did NOT have our stroller with us as we knew it would be insane. Clone2, still slightly coughing, was walking beside Dh. I was in front of Dh with the diaper bag on my shoulder. Princess Peanut was on his shoulder. 2 adults pushed their way forward, pushing into Samuel and pushed him into Dh and myself (with the bag). I couldn’t move over any because the cart was there. They looked at Dh and me and said, “We’re just trying to exit Fantasmic!” Dh replied, “So are we!!” I looked at them and said, “and you just squished my asthmatic 6 year old!!!” Yes, complete with evil Mommy bear glare. No apologies. Dh did not realize, even after I said that, that Samuel had been squished between us. Clone1 was on the opposite side of the cart with Friends. Right after this, I drug our group to stand beside a trashcan (protection from the surging mass of people), so we could wait on it to die down some.
Friends chose to go shopping and dove through a break into the shop. Dh insisted we move on ahead with me in front, Clone2 behind me, Clone1 behind him, and then Dh. Everyone moved single file, holding on to the shirt in front of them. We passed a larger cart (popcorn maybe?), and got to the restrooms halfway down the road and finally the crowd started easing up. We moved faster and finally were able to walk almost normally, got outside of the park as quickly as possible. Dh took the kids to the bathroom, I found the asthma rescue meds, and we finally were able to take care of Clone2 and his breathing. I knew the fumes from the buses would further irritate him, and had him take my sweatshirt jacket and breathe through the material.
I was never so happy to get into our van as I was that night.
Dh and I have promised to never see another Fantasmic! as long as this kind of chaos is going on with it. Luckily we know this was not a normal Disney experience because it would have severely colored our judgement on what Disney is like. If someone were to ask me what my single most horrid experience at Disney has been, this was it.
We got back to our hotel, and Dh took off for a pharmacy as we needed some more decongestant/cough meds. I finally got the return phone call from the doctor and after some back and forth had a plan for Clone2’s asthma. Dh had to return to the pharmacy (caught him on the drive back to the hotel) for a new cough med that the doctor thought might work better with the myriad medicines Clone2 had to take. Luckily the next day was our rest day.
Recap of the day
FPV Toy Story Mania
Toy Story Mania - Standby
--drop friends off for breakfastStar Tours Standby & get rider swap
--Dh FPV for Star Tours
--friends meet back up with us
Muppet Vision 3D
Streets of New York (friends loved it)
Sci-Fi for Lunch
FPV - Rockin Roller Coaster
Great Movie Ride
Toy Story Mania with Fast Pass (at least I think we did this prior to Lights Motors Action)
Lights Motors Action
--Meet MIKE
--Jedi Training Academy
Ride Star Tours
Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular
Narnia thing
--Get seats for Fantasmic!
Rockin Rollercoaster
Survive H-E-double hockey sticks
Get back to hotel.
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