Low points in my life

God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. - C.S. Lewis

I truly believe this is true. I can think of so many "low" points in my life, that ended up benefiting me in that it shaped me for the better. Just like every time I ask G*d for patience, I am given opportunities to LEARN patience. Now, that doesn't mean I appreciate those times while living them, but I do eventually appreciate them after they are done.

One such low point was when we were skipped over for LOA. We didn't know what was going on, we didn't find out exactly what happened, and no one could tell us how it would end up affecting us. We just had to be patient. We just had to wait and see. I'm so not good at wait and see. I saw the days go by, I saw those who got LOA when we should have get TA...I saw them make plans, all while still waiting on on our own LOA. I questioned it. I really did. I questioned if we would ever be able to travel to get Katie. I questioned if we were really supposed to adopt her. I wondered if I should I tell our agency to give her file to another family so she could be adopted by a family. I truly started wondering if we would EVER get to her. It was rough. I learned how to wait. I learned how to be still, to be quiet, to TRUST that it would work out and be great.

So, really, that is just ONE story behind a "low" point in my life. I have a few others. I have some "low" points that I fear will never be figured out what I was supposed to learn. But I do know, I have to keep re-learning the whole patience thing.

What have you learned during a low point in your life?

Thoughtful Tuesday - a day late...oh well

"The greatest gift my mother ever gave me was a messy house, and the knowledge that other things in life came before a tidy house."

What does MY house say about me? What do I place as important? If you look at my calendar, what is important in my life there? If you look at how I spend my days? What is important to me there?

I get so many of these kind of thoughts from quotes. Sometimes I have to stop myself and ask privately, in 20 years will I care that I did or did not do something? What will I remember? What will the kids remember?

Will they remember getting to eat a picnic in the floor for dinner while watching a movie? Or will they remember our dinners around the table more? Will they remember the day we went for ice cream just because then to the park to play? Or will they remember me always cleaning, cooking, and getting on to them? Hmmm?

1 year

I remember it clearly because I was "counting down the day" and unsure how we would survive or react.

Monday June 9, 2008 was the day we had told the satellite company to turn off our "connection" to their system. It was the day we moved to only what we could pick up with rabbit ears.

Y'all...we bought an HDTV LCD television in April of 08. Then, less than 2 months later I had killed the connection to television shows on cable. That TV, while we love it now, at the time could have had a sign put up on it that said, "Stupid Tax."

If you don't know what Stupid Tax is, please please go visit DaveRamsey.com. ;)

We do not consider ourselves very weird at all, but perhaps we are. We are loving life without cable television. It's not life without TV though. We still watch shows and movies. We just rent movies/shows/dvds through Netflix OR we stream things through the internet.

As we're a slightly "geeky" family, and as such had more computers than people (not really but not far off either), we now have a dedicated "dinosaur" of a computer that is connected to our TV and directly to our HIGH SPEED cable internet (oh how we dream of a T1 connection or our old really fast DSL). Nothing is on the computer anymore, it's a glorified terminal to the internet. It doesn't really have as much RAM as we'd like, so things are not perfectly smooth...but oh...all the shows you can see!!! Well, they do have commercials, but only 1 or 2 every commercial break period.

Except it seems more people are doing this so less and less are free, and more and more sites have fees associated with them...fees like $5/month. Netflix has instant play shows, and LOTS of them...shows like Engineering an Empire on PBS (yeah...we're a tad weird, but I have already admitted to being a geeky household).

I foresee a future though where instead of cable we're streaming tv shows, movies, news, etc. and watching on the tv. We'll have to pay for the service, but I predict that we'll be paying on a per site basis...so this household would pay for Sci-Fi and CBS most likely and leave the Golf channel alone. Oh, we'll have to pay for the NASA channel as well I guess as the boys seems to love it for some odd reason.

This was all part of a self-reflection on being wasteful with resources. We didn't really USE the cable television, we didn't get the $55+ enjoyment out of it every month, so why have it? It also started something in our lives where we were cleaning out all the unnecessary things, simplifying things somewhat...and it was all part of that quest for "finding family time" with each other doing things the old fashioned way...you know, not connected to electronic things 24/7.

Interesting quote

Stop the mindless wishing that things would be different. Rather than wasting time and emotional and spiritual energy in explaining why we don't have what we want, we can start to pursue other ways to get it - Greg Anderson



Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.

- HL Hunt

Can you tell where I am right now? What is important to me? What do I really want out of life? What can I do NOW to start me on the road to what I want.

Both of these quotes came from Dave Ramsey, and while I definitely SEE the link to financial things, I also see the link in them to other things going on in my life and head.

Um...when you are in debt it HURTS to fix the problem because you have to save money, not spend money, live waaaaay below your means and actually well...pay off that debt. It's "duh" but oh so incredibly hard to do. Well, we found Dave Ramsey and Larry Burkett and Money Matters budgeting software starting almost 10 years ago. We picked ourselves up, buckled down and just DID it. It hurt. We learned a LOT through that experience...like Kool-Aid does taste alright without a full cup of sugar. ;) Driving a car without an FM radio is okay, after all Dave comes on the AM stations. It's even possible to drive a car without Air Condition in Southern Arizona during the summer. Yes, indeed it is. The biggest thing though during this, we didn't complain to others constantly. Sure we vented to friends about how bad it was to drive in 110 degree heat without an AC. Imagine, if you will, a 36 hour drive by CAR across country without FM radio. Yeah. Add in a car sick cat as well....fun fun times. Marriage building fun times.

We still are not perfect with money and budgeting, and probably never will be. Afterall, Matilda Jane, Strassburg, Disney, and such still exist and my willpower is weak. Oh so very weak.

But one thing those early days taught me was that while it was tough...it was doable with ingenuity, humor, and lots of love. I have a good friend who is going through similar, but reading her blog you wouldn't know it. While we were buried under debt (thank you college degrees), she is living life as a Single Mom...and I would venture to guess that her daughters truly do not know all the sacrifices she is making. I would guess those girls do NOT feel poor, because they aren't. Poor is a state of mind. My friend is going through a financially difficult time, and she's humbled herself in order to get what her daughters need. She may vent and whine about a particular situation, but you know what? She does it once, then she fixes the problem or works to find a solution. Sometimes she vents a few times, but always she is working to make it better, usually with humor.

Then, there is the whole "I want to spend more time with my family" aspect that has been an ongoing theme for the past 2 years. I just have to DO it. Life has a crazy way of interfering with quality family time, but even if I'm not perfect with it...at least I'm making that effort. KWIM?

Lately, I've been paying attention to what I've been complaining about, and what irks me. Usually, that is a clue to something that I need to work on, to change in my life...and while it might hurt (like to give up carbonated beverages and start a running program) it's usually something that is BETTER for me. Like being out of debt.

Just don't expect an update anytime soon. Remember...I work SLOW. ;)

3 Things

Okay, so you remember my big huge idea concerning a day of rest and my lightbulb moment. Yeah, sometimes it takes me a little bit. We're still going strong with that 24 hours thing, and loving it.

However, well, the other 6 days of the week are still just too busy and I've been struggling with THAT this year. 2008 was the day of rest, 2009 is the 6 days of the week are just too busy! I'm starting to see a pattern here - my life is BUSY. ;)

So, one day I was chatting with my sister (oooh, how we did not get along that great growing up but now, in the past year or so we chat at least once a week if not daily...and I LOOOOVE it). Anyway, I was complaining to her that my life is just too busy. I try to not overschedule things, but it happens anyway. She was agreeing, and then she said something.

"I try to not schedule more than 3 things to do in a single day."

Huh? What did you say? 3 things MAX in a day? What do you mean? It turns out that Sis has a friend who was reading a self-help book that recommended you only schedule 3 things max in a day (well I guess besides cooking, dishes, etc.). ;) That invariably something would come up and need to be added to that day, but trying to keep it to no more than 3 things would help free you up.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!!!

But then, it got better. You know those BIG plans we always get involved in (well I do at least), you know like hosting a baby shower for a friend that you know through another friend, like say through monthly Bunco nights? Yes? Well, you are asked to help host, and it's on a date that you don't currently have 3 things scheduled...GREAT you can help. But can you REALLY? What else is needed to help host? Invitations mailed out 6 weeks prior (or however earlier?)...look at your calendar THEN and see if you do have time to devote to picking out, creating, addressing, and mailing invites? Is it booked solid with other commitments? Yes? Then you do NOT have time to help host, it would stress you out too much.

LIGHTBULB MOMENT #2!!!!

I always, always, always forget about the prepping stages of things. ALWAYS.

Now, I'm working on not being so busy and I recognized something important. I have been trying to put all sorts of therapy appointments, doctor appointments, etc. on days we were already leaving the house. Well, it's no wonder I got so stressed on those days as I had 5 things scheduled on some days. Phew. I started moving things around as best as I could and things are going better. Still not great, but better.

Just a hint, I'm counting FAMILY TIME as a scheduled event now. It doesn't necessarily happen daily, but I try to get time in for playing with my kids. They are only this little once. If I have days where I need to do MAJOR chores, then those get scheduled into the "daily plan" as events. If I have a project with the school to do, it gets scheduled. I schedule specific days for "business" work.

I'm still busy, but I'm finding that more often I am less stressed because I have my life more under control...well at least it's an illusion of control. ;)

Who saved them?

This has the potential to be controversial. It's one I hesitate to post, but it's something that I've been pondering for a long time now. Is it ME causing something good to happen or is it G*d causing something good to happen.

What if you were following a car, and were the witness to that car being in an accident. A TERRIBLE accident, so terrible the driver was near death. But, you had recently been through CPR, or were a doctor, or a nurse. You were "in the right place" to offer aid. Through YOUR actions, that person was saved. Did YOU save them? Or did G*d? If you believe it was you, and you had not been there...then that person would have died. If you believe it was G*d saving them, then you would have to believe that they would have survived without you there...possibly because G*d would have had someone else there.

What if, through your direct actions you were in the right spot at the right time to adopt YOUR child who needed medical care. Who needed medical intervention that you were able to provide (thinking of the twins who were hospitalized while in China), a little girl who was in desperate need of heart surgery, a little boy whose heart needed immediate intervention...what IF that were to happen to you? Did you SAVE your child? Or did G*d save the child through you? Do you think that had you made a different choice your child would have died in China? If so, then it was not G*d's plan that your child live, but if you believe it was G*d's plan that your child live...then HE would have had another family (or perhaps medical doctor or orphanage worker in China) step in and make the appropriate choices or provide a miracle healing.

After thinking about this, pondering this, I have come to believe that if/when I am in the place of being "in the right spot at the right time" that it is because I am being allowed to WITNESS firsthand the MIRACLE of a life being saved. If it is because I knew the Heimlich maneuver, or CPR, or some other reason then G*d just used me for HIS purpose.

If the miracle occurred because I adopted a child, I would not want that child to grow up hearing how LUCKY they were to be adopted by my family because we were able to provide their medical interventions. I would tell them that we wanted to adopt them to be a member of our family because G*d led me to that decision and we are GLAD they are my child. Their medical interventions are just a part of their story, not the main focus of it.

I think it all comes down to WHO you believe is truly in charge? G*d or yourself.

Personalities of our kids

Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them. - W. Clement Stone

In thinking about this quote I started thinking about my own life, and particularly how this will affect my children. Which led me to think about their personalities, and who they are.

While in China I remember telling Cheri that I felt like we were all given children with personalities and quirks that we were best able to handle. That something about the makeup of the parents' personalities fit in perfectly with what the child needed. With the boys it's something we just assume, they will have personality traits that match either myself or my husband.

But, really, is personality genetic? Or is it learned? Or is it a little bit of both. I mean, Katie could NOT have learned to be a grouchy grump first thing in the morning from ME on her first morning with us (she woke up JUST like I do and has continued to wake up like that). It was not learned from me, but is exactly like me. Is it a genetic thing, or is it learned from perhaps her foster parent?

When I was dreaming of my "perfect" daughter, I told my husband that I wanted a girl who would want to dress up like Cinderella but play sports against the boys and beat them....wearing her tiara in the mud. Can you see it? (another photographer I know) That link was the embodiment of what I wanted MY daughter to be like.

At our last post placement meeting with our social worker, I was asked about Katie's personality. When I mentioned that she was fit in perfectly with our family, with personality that meshed with the boys just as if she'd born to us. Our social worker commented that everyone feels that way.

Why is that? Why does everyone feel that way? Is it like voices, accents, talking, etc. that our kids can end up sounding just like us (yes Katie is going to have that lovely southern accent which is going to make learning Mandarin just that much harder). Is it because liking to play sports, or liking to watch NASCAR, or liking music, or liking games like spades or Monopoly, or any other thing that we consider part of the personality is environmental?

Will Katie be strong willed because of genetics or because of her environment? Will she be patient? Will she be honest? Will she be thoughtful? Will she be demure? Will she be an extrovert or introvert? Will she like science and math OR will she like the arts?

With the boys we sort of figured that they would be more science and math kids (with 2 "geeks" for parents did they even stand a chance?). But with Katie we don't know. It's actually kind of fun and interesting to see her develop her own interests and personality. I'm anxious and excited to see what and who she becomes as she grows.

But to be honest...she's the female version of our boys in likes, dislikes, personality traits, interests, and such. It's enough to make you go, "Hmmmmmm....."

Taking a Day of Rest

Last year I was incredibly busy, busy all day long, every day, and every weekend. So busy that I was tired...and worn out...and I looked back over the year in December and thought, "wow...I missed out on A LOT by being so busy."

I had let "things" overtake what was truly important in my life, and it was brought home to me through so many ways over a very very long time. I'm a wee bit stubborn and it takes time for me to "LEARN" a lesson it seems. At least time to get it through my thick head, think it through, then put an action as a reaction to it.

I remember last May, being on vacation when SCC's daughter Maria Sue was killed in an accident. I remember hearing the news a day after I yanked Samuel back from stepping off a sidewalk into the path of a charter bus in downtown Washington D.C. Yeah...it brought it home in a way NOTHING else could have. I had loved the song Cinderella prior to this, but after May I cried every time I heard it. My heart ached. My soul yearned. I felt sorrow for Maria's family, but this was a personal ache...and personal thing going on...a stirring. A quiet little voice told me to spend more time with my family...to keep the Sabbath holy.

Did I mention I'm stubborn? Well, in September or thereabouts I went to see someone I have nicknamed "The Magic Hair Lady" because she makes my curly hair beautifully straight. ;) Her neighbor at the salon was not there as she had been. I remember for some odd reason getting on to a subject about this neighbor hairstylist and the days/times she takes off. See, I had noticed on Friday late afternoons in the winter she was rushing out the door so as not to be late getting home before dark.

Y'all...she's Jewish. I knew that, but it didn't HIT me until that day talking with Magic Hair Lady. Y'all...I KNEW Jewish businesses closed at "Sundown" on Friday and reopened "Sundown" on Saturday (just look at BHPHOTO.com to see WHY I know this). I knew Jewish holidays would close businesses (again, thanks to bhphoto.com). I had taken college classes from a Jewish professor, and it was a 6 day a week intercession course...we didn't meet on Saturdays AT ALL and he had our final exam moved from a Saturday to a Monday. I KNEW THIS PEOPLE!!!!

It hit me. This neighbor stylist to "Magic Hair Lady" was keeping the Sabbath HOLY.

Okay, perhaps I should back up...remember the stubborn me hearing a quiet voice inside my head tell me to keep the Sabbath Holy? I had tried. But the 24 hours that are Sunday was too tough. I was staying up too late to start working AFTER Midnight so it was Monday. I was frantically trying to cram as much as I could into SATURDAY so I could take the Sunday off...and it was stressing ME out. I couldn't do it, and thus I was "failing" as this taking the Sabbath Holy.

Of course I had not mentioned it to my husband at all so I wasn't getting support in my endeavors from THAT direction either...but that's MY fault. ;)

I left that salon with beautifully straight hair, and a HUGE BIG IDEA. One I could not implement at all due to an overfull calendar. In November, the day after Thanksgiving when I had a photography session that I realized that I truly did need to "carve out" time for my family. I had to keep it sacred. I realized I needed accountability and support.

I told Dh about the now 6 month thought process and struggle. I told him my BIG IDEA, and we chose to make it a WRITTEN GOAL for 2009. See, we're big on written goals and not resolutions. We don't make many, and those we do we really strive to complete....we're not perfect with it, but we're better than if we didn't write them down. I told him that while I had been literal in the "Sabbath Holy" portion, what I now felt like was that I was to take a day of rest...a literal 24 hour period, not a day on the calendar. 24 hours...that starts at some predetermined time...and what better than with a visual clue of NIGHT FALLING?! Then I exclaimed how it was so great that even though sundown changes throughout the year (and thank you Daylight Savings Time for making it really late or really early), but even though it changes Sundown to Sundown remains just about a 24 hour period!!!

He gave me that look. He didn't get the big huge lightbulb revelation thing y'all.

It's now been a year since that voice started nagging me, and here is what we do:

From Sundown on Saturday evening until Sundown on Sunday evening, we do NO WORK on business related things or household chores that MUST be done. We don't work on school stuff (not sure if this would work if we weren't homeschooling). We set aside time to play games with the kids if we feel like it. We set aside time to watch a movie. We go outside and play. We ride bicycles. We go on trips. We do things around the house that we WANT to do but never seem to find time to do. However, there are times when something MUST be done, like a crunch time at work when Dh worked 80+ hours in 1 week....he HAD to.

I no longer have the stress of trying to get things done Saturday so I don't have to stay up late on Sunday (I still do but I can start the Sunday work related things I do to set up the week when the kids go to bed). We do more with the kids. It was freeing to us to have a day at home that NEITHER of us were required to do something, like laundry, or pay bills, or a thousand and one other things. I don't get jealous of the time Dh spends playing games, and he doesn't get jealous of the time I spend reading a book...it's our DAY OF REST and I have come to guard it closely in just 4 months!

We have more Cinderella moments now...like on Saturday evening recently (before SUNDOWN too) when I took Katie outside to swing and she giggled those great big belly laughs and told me to push faster! The neighbors were smiling at her JOY. She didn't want to stop swinging, then finally she moved on to the slide and I had to stand RIGHT THERE and she played with me so happily and excitedly...a perfect memory in my mind now.

Oh...and for those who are wondering. If Sunday had not fit in with how things would have to be for our family, then we could have chosen another day such as sundown Friday until sundown Saturday...or even a weekday if neither of us worked on a weekday. The day of the week is not important in this for me, it was a day that we could decide on was going to be the best day for us to spend as a FAMILY. Yes I still cook, but it does not seem like a chore. :)

Why do bad things happen?

In all my pondering of destiny and fate, I have to think about the bad things. The times when children die. When a mother gets very sick. When a father is killed in an accident. So many bad things happen every day, so many times I ask WHY?!

Like the children who have died a few days after being adopted by their parents. Or when the adopted child dies within a few months of being home. What is the point of that I ask? WHY did that have to happen?

I've learned that I am someone who wants to KNOW that something good has come out of a bad situation, and sometimes I just can not see it.

Just like one of my IVF friends whose 5 years struggle to have a child ended in a full-term still born baby due to a knot in a cord. The baby passed away around 4 hours prior to the scheduled c-section, the decision on the parents and the doctor's part NOT to do a c-section on Thursday caused that child to die. In her case a new "cause" was created, a new "project" so to speak. The Baby James Project *I hope all my friends who are pregnant READ that link*

If you want to the full story, there is a link on there to James' story, and the photo essay of his birth (as a photographer the Mom had another photographer friend schedule to photo the birth)....so be prepared if you view the photo slideshow. It's powerful, and emotional, and very very tastefully done...and yet another reason WHY Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is such a great organization.

In her case, I was able to SEE the good eventually. I know her, and she has mentioned that some people have emailed her and told her that finding out about kick counting SAVED their child. She has mentioned it's hard to hear, but each time she does it gets easier to deal with Baby James' death.

But what about when it seems senseless? Such as another friend's child born with Trisomy 18? Or my own nephew who was born at 23 weeks and did not survive? What was the point?

I think this is one of those unanswerable questions.

Go forth and SAVE an orphan!

I truly can NOT stand that phrase. Saving a person? I know it's personal choice, much like the use of GOTCHA, but for me..."Saving an orphan" is somewhat offensive. We didn't SAVE Katie. We didn't SAVE an orphan. We adopted a child. We promised to love her and cherish her, but we didn't save her. The phrase "Saving an Orphan" is more what I consider the thought of "I'm going to rescue this poor helpless little child who has no future except to grow up in this awful orphanage never knowing love and growing up to live in this country where the water is bad, the air quality stinks, they can't vacation to Disney, or wear nice clothes...and where they will never be able to know G*d. What a terrible life they would have had if it were not for me doing this wonderful work of adoption."

When I was growing up, we heard "Save the Whales!" and "SAVE the planet!" and "Save the Purple Spotted Beetle Bugs!" (Okay the last isn't real, but it seemed like everything we heard was save this thing or that thing.) I don't think of Katie in those terms. I don't think there was anything particularly terrible about her circumstances in China. I think, had she grown up in China, she would have led a happy life. I truly believe that. Even if she had only lived in the orphanage, who am I to say that her life there would have been worse than the life she has with us? Sure, knowing the love of a family is great. But in the end, will the love we give her be enough in her mind to overcome all that she has lost. I like to think it will, but only Katie will be able to answer that. Do material possessions matter? Do trips to fun places? Do all the opportunities we can give her? Or could it have been a matter of since she knew no other life? Only Katie can answer that question when she is older. I hope she feels like she has had a GOOD life, a HAPPY life despite being adopted, despite being removed from her birth culture, and despite all the wrong things we as her parents will possibly do in the future (like deny her that brand new car for her 16th birthday). So, really, it is only Katie who can possibly answer if our adoption of her was a good thing, or not. While I think it is, that is only from MY viewpoint. Not hers. When I think of all she lost I feel sad for her. I think about the things I take for granted, things that she will not...and I feel saddened by that because I can NOT fix it, or make it better. It is what it is, and I can only support Katie in any feelings she has about it, I can only support her in endeavors to learn things that should have been hers by birthright (and yes, that means we as a family WILL be taking Mandarin in the future).

So, did I SAVE her?

No. I changed the course of her life. I believe, after choices were made by her parents in China through their own free will (and well, governmental pressures as well), that she was then placed on a course for US to be able to adopt her and change HER life. Do I think it was for the better? I like to think we are able to give her a better life, but it is not necessarily true and again only Katie can answer that question for herself. Only Katie can answer whether or not her life was bettered by being adopted into an American family.

I think that there is a reason she was chosen to be OUR daughter, just like I believe that our sons were given to us to be our sons. I believe that our children have a "destiny" to fulfill, but I believe at this point in time there are several paths, several destinies ahead. Each has a purpose. Perhaps all are not wonderful, but I believe each path has a purpose. I try very hard NOT to put any pressure on my kids to be anything but HAPPY. If becoming a rocket scientist or an astronaut will make them happy, then great. But if they'll be happy becoming a gardener at the botanical gardens, then great too. However, they will all know that if being happy in their lives means still living with parents when they are 30, not working, and just playing video games or something...then...well...that is so not okay. ;)

I believe that G*d has a purpose for our lives, and He knows all the possible paths those lives will take. But I also believe that He has given us FREE WILL to choose those paths. It was through the CHOICES we made, CHOICES Katie's parents in China made, and CHOICES that were made on her behalf in China that led us to become family. I believe that had other choices been made, our daughter might not be the Katie we know and love today...but rather someone else equally special. I believe that we as her parents were chosen to be her parents because we are able to give/do/be something to her that she will need in the future (just the same as I believe for our boys).

I stumble across so many people who vehemently deny that they "Saved an Orphan" but in reading and talking to them, it is apparent to me that perhaps they actually think in those terms. They make comments about how much better their lives are here with them, how much of a brighter future they have now, how lucky the child is that the parents decided to ADOPT...and it all leaves me feeling kind of sick inside. They talk in front of their daughters (and sons!) about how wonderful of people they are because they went to China and adopted those poor unfortunate souls who live in orphanages. Their negativity toward China in front of their children astounds me. I truly think, that had Katie stayed in China that she probably would have had a wonderful life as well. There is a reason she became our daughter, and I am looking forward to living life with her and watching her become the person she will become.

Making assumptions

Assumptions are the death of possibilities. - James Mapes

We are a Christian family. We attend church on Sunday AND Wednesday for most of the year. We've even been known to attend on Sunday nights and special event nights on other nights of the week. The kids have all grown up attending church, and it's easy to assume that they will be Christian. That they will live a Christian life.

But you know, they might not be. I hope they are, but it's THEIR decision. It's not an easy decision either, to choose that path. I happen to believe it's an easy way of life, I enjoy it. But my children may feel differently.

Will I love them any less if they choose differently? Will I think of them differently if they turn from their roots in Christianity?

I can tell you, with having a child on the cusp of making a profession of faith, that not interfering...not pushing that profession has been one of the hardest things I have done as a Christian. I want him to make the choice I did, but if I push it then it might not be HIS choice, and that would truly be the worst thing to have happen.

All I can do is LOVE my child. No matter what choices he or she makes.

If I assume that my child will be a Christian, then what does that assumption do to them...what pressure does that place on them? Will they think, perhaps, if I don't make this choice then Mom won't love me. The choice to become a Christian then, isn't defined by anything but whether or not they are going to keep Mom's love. That is so not right, so I'm trying NOT to assume that my children will become Christians....but it's so hard because I want them to so badly.

Just like I ASSUME my children will attend college. They may not. I assume they will most likely become Enginerds like their father, or at least have something to do in the science fields...but what IF they don't? What pressure does it put on them to choose a career if I've told them all their lives that they should be an Enginerd? What if their true "calling" is to be more...oh...less "geeky" or something? Will I embrace that as much? Will they feel comfortable enough exploring THOSE possibilities?

What if I assume they will do something GREAT, and they define greatness differently than I'm defining it? What if they do not live up to their own definition of what it means to be something great? What then?

What exactly do I WANT for my children? I want for them to be HAPPY. I want for them to be PRODUCTIVE CITIZENS (meaning that while I think they'd be happy doing nothing but play video games, I want them to actually do something more productive). I want them LOVE others, especially their siblings. I want them to know that we LOVE them, unconditionally and completely....even if they only want to play video games all day long.

The "cool" thing

I'm talking about Home's Cool...errr Homeschool. It's that time of year that we are making the decision on whether or not to homeschool next year or send the kids off into the big bad world.

That's a joke people.

I have been feeling lately that people around me turn to homeschooling as the "cool" new thing to do. I've fielded a LOT of questions from Moms at church, Moms at ball practice, Moms at the grocery store, and even Moms at the therpist's office. I'm quite frankly getting tired of the same questions.

"What about SOCILIZATION?!"

"How are you going to teach CALCULUS?!"

"I could never do that!" *gasp*

"I would kill my kids if I had to be around them that long. How do you handle it?"

and oh so many others. I have smart aleck responses for each and every one of them. I have honest and truthful answers for each and every one of them. But you know, lately, I have found that unless someone brings UP homeschooling I just sit quietly.

It's become the "cool" thing here though. I fear that many of these parents will hit the hardships of teaching their own children, and then their failures will reflect badly on those of us who succeed. I don't want them to fail, and more than for my own benefit...but honestly, when homeschooling fails many times that child ends up in a school setting where the teachers roll their eyes and "teach that subject" and then...oh then...I get the JOY of sitting next to those teachers at a ballgame. I hear, first hand, from them how awful homeschooling is when that teacher sitting next me at the ballgame has NO clue I homeschool.

Or I'm at church and I overhear some people talking negatively about homeschoolers (and yes it has been church staff as well as members). I hear how they perceive a homeschooled child as being out of control and unruly (when in reality that child was just being a child). Or how it is not fair that a homeschooled child gets to be on a city travel ball team that is zoned by schools. Or I hear about how those awful homeschooling mothers are sheltering their kids and not letting them experience the big bad world. The people I overhear are talking about how those children never get taught how to socialize. Many times this is said in front of me because they have NO CLUE I homeschool my children, and yes they know my children.

I have had church members teaching my children tell us that I should not make my child do schoolwork on a school holiday while my child was standing there. I've been told that I should allow my child to have a summer break without school work, because the public and private schools are "out" for the summer. I've had my children questioned in front of their peers WHERE they go to school, and the teachers not accepting "home" as the correct answer until I explain that yes indeed I DO homeschool.

I wonder how the new homeschooling families will handle those situations, and if they are truly prepared to defend what they are doing. Then there are the situations of how will these new homeschooling families deal with the "quizzing" that seems to happen everywhere we go.

My child has learned to say the name of the cover school instead of "homeschooled" in certain situations. Why? Because other children have said that they must be weird because they are homeschooled. My child has been quizzed by everyone they meet, just to see if they are learning enough at home.

They've asked my Kindergartner what 4x3 is then gotten upset when he did not know. They have asked my child how to read a sign (when they were in K or 1st grade) and the sign was one of the statement kind of signs at the bank or grocery store. I've had another patron in a grocery store, standing in front of me, quiz my child about each of the colors and all the letters they could find in my cart until they were satisfied my Kindergartener was not just watching television all day while I ate bons bons or something. I've had one ask my child about capitals of the different states, and then got upset when they did not know the capital of Iowa (we're from the Southeast). He was 7. Strangers have asked my children to spell things, and not all words that are age appropriate...like giraffe for my Kindergartener.

ALL of these questions were asked AFTER they found out I homeschool. Usually it follows the questions of "Oh are you in school?" Yes. "Well what grade?" I usually give them the age grade. "Where do they go to school?" I answer their cover school. "Where is that? I've never heard of it." I tell them, and then it usually comes out that it is a homeschool cover school.

I cringe when those questions are asked because I know what is likely to follow. I know that had I answered they went to a public school, or a traditional school the person asking the question would go on to ask if they LIKED school, or what their favorite subject was. It would be assumed that my child would know what they needed to know.

Homeschooling is not for the fainthearted. It's not for everyone. It's HARD. It doesn't mean you sleep in and have these idyllic days with your children exploring the universe and seeing when they learn new and exciting things. Sure, those things happen sometimes...but most likely your day will be filled with more frustrations of trying to balance family life and homeschooling. Balance the cooking, cleaning, tending to younger children, running errands, answering the phone, and then teaching.

But homeschooling DOES allow you to go to Disney World in February, count a Saturday family trip to the Zoo as a school day, and yes, while I school "year round" my kids get multiple 2 week breaks throughout the year. The flexibility it gives us is amazing. We hardly ever have "homework" to do in the evenings, so our evenings are for family time. We almost never have work to do over the weekends either. Sure we have projects that have to get done, but I can schedule them for when it's best for our family (like I made sure a project was not due right after we got back from Disney World).

Like all things in life, there are good and bad things about homeschooling.

Where are the religious quotes?

Those who know me only through the internet are often a little surprised to find out how religious I am. I don't proclaim it loudly. I don't tend to even leave comments with references to my beliefs.

I wish I could say I'm not that way in person, but if you walk into my home you will not see scripture all over the walls. Nor will you hear me talk about scripture, or spout off religious homilies.

But honestly, I've felt guilt for not witnessing loudly and vocally and in all ways. I remember trying to force it in college, and I decorated my dorm room with posters and such that reflected my beliefs. While I liked them, I always felt uncomfortable asking my friends in my room. I could not figure it out until a meeting with the BSU director over something. It is strange that I can not remember what it was about now, but I remember the gist of the conversation. It was one of those lightbulb moments for me.

The reason I always felt uncomfortable with having friends come into my dorm room, is that my friends were, for the most part, NOT big on the whole Christianity thing. In fact, many were non-Christian.

Okay, so, in talking with this leader that I respected, I felt like I should be a more vocal witness to them. His response to me was that if I felt like I should be doing more, then I should. But I responded to him that I felt like I was pushing it, and pushing them away. That something was trying to get me to hold back, and I thought it was my own natural shyness regarding that. My own "uncomfortableness" if you will. He told me that perhaps these friends did not need to be vocally witnessed to, that perhaps they needed to SEE the actions lived out in a life more. That words on a wall (or a blog), spoken words said by rote, not followed up by actions can do more harm than good. Many times non-Christians are turned off by the very things that Christians thrive on.

I choose not to put scriptures on my walls at home or here on the blog. Not because those things are not important to me, but because I don't want to cause visitors who might not feel the same way to feel uncomfortable. I would rather my actions and thoughts on this blog show them I am a Christian. It is a "habit" born from my college years, I want them to feel comfortable HERE. If I want to "witness" to them, to show them the love that Jesus shows me, then I must not make them so uncomfortable that I run them off. If my home is full of things that would run them off, then perhaps I'm not witnessing to them...but rather to other people who believe as I do. That is not my goal.

My promise to them is that this is one of the few posts on this subject.

If you do like having scripture, and talk about religious subjects on your blog...that's NOT wrong. It's just not how I do things. I'm not less of a Christian because of it though. It's taken me a long time to realize that fact.

However, there are times when I feel strongly that I should discuss things. Thus, the birth of the Thoughtful Tuesday posts, and sometimes those WILL have to include religious references.