What it felt like to be skipped for LOA/RA

It's been over a year, and I still have bitter feelings about what happened during our wait for LOA. It was a partially a product of my own doing by counting and analyzing so much. But at the same time, it was also something terrible that I really must move beyond.

We got our referral on June 26, and were LOI on June 29th. I knew that our file was very close to going into the review room because the box said they had finished reviewing July 2006 files, and it had been changed a good time prior to that, and in early July it did change to reflect that August 2006 was out of review. As we all know that the box only changes when all agencies are out of review, and I had reason to believe that my agency was ahead of the "changing box" by at least a few weeks.

So, from watching the LOI to LOA timeframes I expected to definitely be in under the 90 day average. I knew that my NSN group was in review in July most likely, and I was hoping that I had been LOI early enough to make sure it was moved in the correct stack. But regardless, my month's LID group was being reviewed so I thought we'd "move to the top" of the stack. KWIM?

Seems a little silly to think that now, but numbers back then, did lead me to think that around 60 days would be about right. Out of review took about 30 days, in NSN review took around 60, and not through review at all or near it took 90 days. Sure there were exceptions, but I totally ignored them.

I remember well the day that LOA/RA came in for the groups I thought I would be in. I had been calling my coordinator to check on things as I had noticed that other agencies with 9/06 LID had all gotten their LOA/RA for their clients. I was already a little scared, but I was trusting in our agency. They wanted to wait until it had passed 90 days (which was the week before their week long holiday), and then they wanted to wait until the next batch of LOA/RA came in. It did. I remember a friend calling me to say "I got it!!! Did you?" I was at karate and had not heard. I called, and my coordinator asked if had gotten my email. As I had been out of the house, No I had not. She gently told me, "Yours did not come. Neither did any for the people logged in during 9/2006." She told me I had been the TOP slot on their list as I had the earliest LID and the earliest LOI date, because I did not get it that meant that something was definitely wrong. She told me they were going to check into it, but it would be the next week before they heard back and to be warned it might not be very informative.

I asked all sorts of questions, and the only thing she could tell me was that at the very worst we would be starting the 90 day wait period over again. The best case was that the LOA was ready to send and we would get it at the end of the following week. My hopes for travel at the end of October were dashed. 100% dashed. I entered a very dark place at this time, a place where I felt like the adoption was never ever going to go forward. That I was going to not be approved to adopt her. I would fluctuate between calm acceptance and despair. Only Dh fully saw how the emotional turmoil was going on for me. Only he saw the stress it put me under. Someone in our agency, who was waiting to travel and had had her own set of rough wait sent me emails and encouragement. She truly helped me through those days.

The next week I got my answer, "We process according to LID and LOI date." Huh? So, the agency went back and told them about MY file and it should have been processed already. What was going on. We never received a clear cut answer, but the best anyone was able to figure out was that when we sent in LOI our month was in NSN review room. They pulled it and put the SN LOI with it, then let it finish up review. When our month came out of review it should have gone back to the SN department and we should have gotten our LOA. Something happened, and it never made it back to SN department is what we think. 9/2006 LID month was the first time the "out of review" box part took the longest time. Other families had had the exact same thing happen to them as I was experiencing, and it ended up being that after their month was officially out of review they got LOA.

While in my dark days, no answers, and constant wondering what was going on, I had to cancel my baby shower for Katie. We didn't even know if we would be approved. The group that got LOA when I should have, started getting their TA and setting up travel...I was still waiting for that LOA notice. I remember vividly knowing that the group I fully expected to be traveling with was leaving on November 1st. I did not have LOA yet, with no hope on the horizon as my LID group was not out of review room officially yet. The agency had long since done all they could and we were just waiting. We did not know if they were just now reviewing things, if I would have to wait until January to get LOA or what. All I knew is that my baby girl, that I had not had any updates on, was aging each day. That I did not know what her feet looked like. I didn't know her smile. I didn't know what her cry sounded like. See, her orphanage is notorious for NO updates or photos. It's very very closed. I found myself being so jealous for all the updates that others would get of their child.

In an effort to pull myself out of that dark place, I took the boys and focused on them on October 31st. I took them and made portraits (those at the blog header), and we spent the day goofing off. While I was not smiling much for Halloween, the boys did enjoy themselves and we enjoyed time as a family. I knew the group was leaving the next day, and all I could think about was how I was supposed to be leaving with them.

November 1st we got our LOA. The coordinator called to tell me, and I remember NOT wanting to answer the phone when I saw the area code/caller id. I just knew it would be more bad news because it couldn't be my LOA because I was convinced by this point that I would never get it. That my daughter would be forced to grow up without our love. I had thought about how unfair it was of us to request her file when it would take us so long to get to her, that she should have had a family that could get to her quickly because she so deserved it. But, I did answer. It was my LOA. The sun came out and the world was brighter...but it was that brittle kind of bright. KWIM?

We were told to expect to travel around the end of November. Of course there were delays with getting TA. Then CA were not readily available. But we managed to leave on December 6th, and get home on the 19th.

1 year later, I am still fighting some of the bitterness I feel in being skipped. In having my paperwork "lost" and losing a full month with my daughter. I still have some lingering emotions from that time. While the "extra" waiting I endured makes sense now, and I'm truly thankful to have traveled when we did....I will still always remember that wait.

Just like I will always remember the incredibly long wait for our DTC when I was doing everything I could to get it through. It took us 9 months, and had much to do with getting all the clearances that were required by our state.

Would I do it all again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Are we going to? I just don't know. I would like to, but right now, finance dictate we must wait...and we don't feel that tug to start just yet either. ;)