1 year ago

1 year ago, Xi Xiao Lan was placed in our arms in a cold apartment like building down an alley in Kunming, China. It seemed like such an incogruous location for such momentuous occasions as adoption. But, that civil affairs building was the place where she became Katie.




I often look back over the photos and I see now just how frightened she was. I see the terror. I see the sadness and grief. It breaks my heart so much that I struggle to just see those images now. I love them for what they represent, but I hurt for the pain she was feeling, pain that we caused. I feel guilt over that pain. Yet, I love this girl so much and so thankful we took that leap of faith to say yes to having the chance to be her family.






(this one is from April, so 4+ months with us and we were getting lots of smiles, true smiles)


I think of her foster mother often, how much she had to go through to release this precious fiesty little girl back to the orphanage to be adopted by us. I know she was well loved by this foster family, and I know that this anniversary carries sad memories for them. I wish with all my heart that the orphanage there would allow us contact with the foster families. I would love to give them an update on our little girl. I know that their love, their affection, has helped her to become wonderfully attached to us. The foster family loved Katie fully and had to have deep grief. Katie herself grieved heavily, so heavily that it has taken this entire year before we have fully seen her personality. We have had to be very aware of attachment, bonding, and grief processes. Katie took a long time getting around to trusting us and loving us, but we're there. I know we still have work to go in this, but we know she's attached to us.

We still see this self-soothing technique.

But it often quickly turns into her showing us her personality!


For example, we did not get our first hug that we initiated until she'd been with us about 6-8 weeks. It took another 4 months before she would initiate a hug. It took her about 8 weeks to throw a temper tantrum when we told her no to something. It took her almost 12 weeks to "talk back" to us and disagree. It took 10 months for her give us a kiss. She still does not cuddle well, but she will sit in our laps (or beside us). It took months before she would let us out of her sight in the house. Those early months I knew she was trying to please us, and I could see that she was still fearful of us leaving her. I can mostly only see it for certain in looking back at the photos we have. I documented as much as I possibly could of her transistion, and today I can see how very slowly that adjustment to us took.


It's been an incredible journey, one I would love to do again. I do not know if we will ever go back to China to adopt another child, but at this point I hope we can. Katie is the center of attention in our family so often, and everyone in our family loves on her. I love seeing how well she has fit in, and it seems like she has always been a part of our family. We are so blessed to have her in our lives.