I think I know what is so frustrating in this whole process.

The lack of control. I can only sit and wait, either on our government to process a form or on China to process the referrals. I must have patience. I must continue to live our lives day by day. I have no control. I am not good at waiting patiently. I like to be in control.

We've heard from our agency that they have a list of special needs children that just came in, and even knowing that we could hear something in the next couple of weeks is hard. Why? Because I want to know details. I want to know the likelyhood of us hearing from our agency with a referral. I remember how excited I was in December, and had almost convinced myself that we would have a referral. This time, I'm hopeful, but expecting not to get a referral. Why? There are 80-100 families on the interested families list. It's HUGE. There are 20 kids, 12 of them are girls. The possibility for us to get a call is slim. Very slim. I'm trying to tell myself that we will not have a match at this time, that it will be at least the next group or the one after that one. I try to tell myself that waiting for the non-special needs referral is okay too. I can make it.

I am so not good at waiting. I know I can do it though, I can distract myself with the myriad details of my life. I know I alone do not have to have the ability to wait and the patience required, but I know that G*d will help me with that. But giving control over to G*d is hard as well. I like to be in control. I thought I had learned all of these things when we struggled with infertility, but I guess I was wrong and need more practice at this. ;)

So, I am going to try very hard NOT to watch the group for our agency's special needs list. I'm going to try very hard NOT to jump on the phone to see if it is the agency calling. I'm going to try and focus on our house, getting it clean and organized. I'm going to focus on our family and our upcoming vacation. Perhaps that will give me a few more months to count down in this long wait.